First off, we’re fine. We’re all fine and no one was hurt.
But there should be some other phase for when you get rear-ended at a Railroad Crossing with your daughter in the car. Freaked the fuck out doesn’t quite cover it. I am no longer ashamed of having a healthy supply of xanax in the house. Days like this, that shit comes in real handy. Especially when, after talking to my Hubbin for a few minutes he asks me if I have any or have already taken some. The answer is a big fat YES.
Thank god too, because Boo was really looking forward to today with me and I’ve been on the phone and excusing myself constantly to regain composure. She’s so awesome. More than awesome.
Currently she’s dancing around in her new ballet stuff - she starts class tomorrow - to a Tinkerbelle song and it’s warming my heart and making me relax and breathe easier. God I love her.
I hate to gush about a TV show, because it makes me feel really insipid. Oh I love this show so much I have to BLOG about it, it feels pathetic in a stay-at-home-mom way that just makes me cringe. At least it’s not about Oprah.
I was watching Twin Peaks last night and I got to the episode (ep. 14 or 15) when Ben Horne is in jail for Laura Palmer’s murder and his brother Jerry comes to visit. There are bunk beds in Ben’s cell and Jerry says, Ben remember? Me on the top bunk, you on the bottom bunk and Louise Dembowski dancing on the hook rug with a flashlight? Then the scene changes and this Angelo Badalamenti 50’s-rock music starts playing and it’s about a minute of this girl in bobby socks dancing slow-mo with a flashlight and it’s one of those moments from childhood that is so wonderful and sweet it makes your heart swell. Ben and Jerry pause and look off in the distance sighing and smiling, thinking of an easier time. Then Jerry says, Lord, what’s become of us? And we’re back in the jail cell with two men who aren’t nearly as successful as they think they are.
It is one of my favorite scenes from the series and I had completely forgotten about it. It is the antitheses of the whole Twin Peaks series and David Lynch’s filmmaking philosophy. In jail for murder, flooded by this great memory. Aching for a simpler time, for a chance to go back and make things right. Having no choice but to move ahead toward your doomed fate. All of Lynch’s characters are doomed on Twin Peaks. All of them. Every single one. Even my beloved Agent Cooper.
I used to think that the whole world was like that. That no matter what we did, we were doomed, more specifically damned. But we aren’t. There is an abundance of love in my life and with the slightest effort I can open my mind and receive it. We all can. No matter how bad your day, there is a moment of love waiting for you. Be open. Be ready.
Sometimes it’s the simple things that fill me with joy and extreme contentment. Like hosting a dinner with some wonderful friends. My BFF, her crack-up hubbin, my hubbin, Il Pirata, his lovely wife and I are all going to have an adult meal with no kids. The stars indeed are aligned.
On the menu - because you know how I like lists….
Brie en Croute with fresh grapes, toasted nuts and crackers
Spinach Quiche (and Quiche Lorianne).
Roasted potatoes and parsnips with herbs and tomatoes
some kind of funky salad
asparagus
fresh bread
and
The BFF is bring dessert…
Pair all this with some delicious wine and some belly laughs and it will be on par with NYE. Except Lori wouldn’t be showing off her wet t-shirt skills and let’s face it, that really was a highlight.
Today has been an off day. Everyone that I’ve talked to is just surly and grouchy and pissy. And on days like this, nothing cheers up me more than a random Black Crowes song. While driving to and fro today I caught “She Talks to Angels” on satellite radio. This used to be my favorite Crowes tune, but it was replaced last year by “Walk Believer Walk”.
I have a couple of good memories of “She Talks to Angels”. One is, while I was working at the bar Greg the DJ always played it when I asked. It’s a good slow grind song. And one night my boyfriend Tom was in drinking with friends and when the song came on he just pointed to me and pointed to the dance and away I went. Tom was a big guy with a nice smelling chest and strong arms. He knew it was my favorite song and he always held me close while we danced.
To clarify, Nerd Girl is not the same as She Geek. Although in the Trivial Pursuit foxhole, you’d want one or both of them with you.
Today I am nerding out on all the authors who have e-mailed me this last week. Bill Scheft, Jonathan Carroll and Kevin Sampsell have all given me their attention this week and I cannot tell how darling this makes me feel.
Mr. Carroll was a huge surprise. I loved The Ghost in Love. Loved it the way I love Adien Brody and Chris Robinson and Keith Olbermann. I didn’t think the brief review I gave it here and on Minnesota Reads quite did it justice, since in reality I could talk about that book for hours. Mr. Carroll’s comment floored me. IT FLOORED ME! And here is what is so… ethereal…about it; I was awake at the time. It seems like it was meant to be. Mr. Carroll resides in Vienna, so there is an eight hour time difference. It was damn near three in the morning here. The Buns staged a coup around 12:30 AM that night and didn’t calm down until well after 2AM. I was so overly tired and jazzed from the whole ordeal that I clicked into Netflix’s free streaming and watched an episode of Lost. So while I’m swooning over Sawyer I get the little blip of a new e-mail. And I just couldn’t believe it!
Jonathan Carroll’s writing resonated with me on so many inexplicable levels. I only wish that everyone, everyone! connects with such an author. I wish for everyone that there is some author or musician out there that “gets” you. Not that you get them, but that they speak to your heart and soul on such a level that it practically makes you weep. That is what Mr. Carroll means to me.
Needless to say that his comment meant to world to me and being the Nerd Girl that I am, I set to constructing a Thank You e-mail at once.
Basically, I thanked Mr. Carroll and then said something to the effect of I wish I’d discovered him sooner, but that I had another one of his books on my night stand. And then I thought about how I was going to frame the e-mail and display it next to my college diploma. Mr. Carroll was kind enough to e-mail me again and suggest a different title with a quick explanation of why I should read the books in the order he suggested. Congratulations Mr. Carroll, you are my new internet boyfriend!
And here is the last thing. The title he suggested is White Apples. So, I click over to B&N.com and type in “White Apples”. And what comes up? Fucking Golden Girls DVD. How funny is that?! I mean, I totally get it - white apples, who WOULDN’T think of The Golden Girls, right?
Yesterday was an amazing day. I told three people who I thought would get what this means to me and they all got it. So I feel really blessed with great friends and family. And I cannot thank Mr. Carroll enough for his kind words and suggestions and for taking the time.
Sweet Chocolate Jesus! I love tattoos. I do. Men with tattoos are hot. I just love it.
I waited until I was 35 to get my first tat. And it was meaningful and significant and I’ve been plotting my next tattoo ever since. So imagine how pleasantly surprised I was when while watching Firefly last night, I catch a glimpse of Nathan Fillion’s hip tattoo. Holy Hannah! How much hotter does this Canadian get? I mean, I don’t usually go for the blondes, but damn!
I must admit that I’m at little late to the Nathan Fillion Fangirl party. I didn’t watch Castle last year and I didn’t watch Firefly. I only started watching Castle this year because Kelly Osbourne is on Dancing With The Stars. So really it’s Kelly Osbourn’s fault. But I’m happy to say that I’m catching up on everything with the help of Hulu and Netflix. Plus I can stalk him on Twitter, which is always fun.
And it all comes back to me really, really thinking it’s time for my next tattoo.
I went back and reread the posts from the last three years. In no way am I over my Mom’s death. The last 36 hours have been hard. I feel this day coming and it puts me in a bad mood. Then when it gets here I’m grouchy and sad. I should be. I lost my Mom to a horrible disease. She was young and pretty and deserved more. Much more.
I would love to say that her passing has brought my Father and I closer, but it hasn’t. Not yet anyway.
It’s just really hard to go through this day without a kind word from anyone close to me.
7. Leaves - On grey days, you can still see fire all around when the leave change their colors. And crunching leaves on the ground, the smell, raking…it’s all good.
6. Let The Right One In - if you haven’t seen the movie, read the book. If you have seen the movie, GO READ THE BOOK. Intense and horrifying, a good scare all around.
5. Little Kids - Like all holiday’s they are geared to children, but Halloween give us the freedom to let our freak flag fly, not matter how young we are. Whatever kids want to do, whomever they want to be; on Halloween, it’s okay - you are accepted for your weirdness. If only we encouraged that feeling more.
4. The Dead - Supposedly on Halloween night, the veil between our living world and the spirit world is at it’s thinnest. I have lost more important people in my life than is healthy for someone of my age. On Halloween night I bring out their pictures and light my candles. I let them know they are missed and loved and any messages they have I will receive with joy and gratitude.
3. Pumpkins - Pumpkins are a complete tactile experience. The smell good, they look good, they last good. Give them a few thumps, they even sound good. Smooth and cool, rough or bumpy. You grip a pumpkin stem in your hand, there is nothing like it. Carving pumpkins, squishy flesh, toasting seeds. You don’t get more bang for you buck.
2. Candy - I’m not going to lie. I love candy. I have a sweet jaw. I buy things I won’t eat now to give out on Halloween, so I’m not that bad lady who hands out a toothbrush. I’m not big on the suckers, so that’s what we’re doing this year.
1. The Nightmare Before Christmas - A whole town of Halloween?! When can I get in on a condo? I allowed my four year old to watch this, supervised of course. She can’t get enough. She likes the characters and the music. She sings The Halloween Song randomly. Last night she even said that Jack was “The Santa of Halloween” and I added “Maybe he’s The Skeleton of Christmas” We agreed he was both.
In a dark time, the eye begins to see,
I meet my shadow in the deepening shade;
I hear my echo in the echoing wood–
A lord of nature weeping to a tree,
I live between the heron and the wren,
Beasts of the hill and serpents of the den.
What’s madness but nobility of soul
At odds with circumstance? The day’s on fire!
I know the purity of pure despair,
My shadow pinned against a sweating wall,
That place among the rocks–is it a cave,
Or winding path? The edge is what I have.
A steady storm of correspondences!
A night flowing with birds, a ragged moon,
And in broad day the midnight come again!
A man goes far to find out what he is–
Death of the self in a long, tearless night,
All natural shapes blazing unnatural light.
