mydarlingcurse.com

i’ve seen examples, back in the day, of parents letting their children drink a little gin before bed time, or putting whiskey on a theething child’s gums. i’ve also read of people being strapped into their beds as children, not harshly, just to prevent them from getting up or sleepwalking.

after the 45 minutes of sleep i got last night, these all sound like pretty good ideas. at least hubbin was sharing in my misery. we’ve never been a couple of “it’s your turn”, since i am a stay-at-home mom, it’s always my turn. but last night he did his share and after the kids were up he let me crash for an hour. i woke up groggy in a huge pile of drool - sleep of the junkie i call it.

thankfully, both kids are happy today, not fussy and playing well with each other. i on the other hand am seriously considering putting them on the doorstep for the gypsy’s to take away. just for a little more shut-eye.

i am looking forward to establishing a routine this week. boo’s school schedule was somewhat truncated last week, but things are full-blown this week and i can’t wait to get things settled down. the buns has to get back on schedule too. he used to sleep through the night and now he wakes up sometime between 2-4 AM.

this kills me because i’m low functioning insomniac. once i get up during these hours, it’s well after 5:00 AM before i am asleep again. but you’re a stay-at-home, can’t you sleep during the day when your baby sleeps. the answer is yes, duh. but i don’t like to spend my time that way. when the buns is sleeping, i’d rather be doing stuff, packing up clothes or looking up Keith Olbermann on the internet. fun stuff.

i read last night that you have to love the moment you are in. even if it sucks, love it. don’t love it for being craptastic though, find something nice to love. so here it goes: this morning the buns spit up on me. on my pant leg. and i haven’t changed pants because the spit up smell is canceling out the cigarette smell that seems to be lodged in my nasal cavity. for this i am grateful. i’d rather smell cute baby boy spit up than smoky cigarettes.

last night was boo’s “back to school picnic” at the french immersion school. i was looking forward to it in a this-will-be-a-completely-new-experience kind of way. then i remembered that completely new experiences give me anxiety and shoot my already low self esteem even lower. not helping matters was the fact that we went completely american and stopped by Subway for food. it wasn’t that bad when we got there, hubbin had to make a mad dash home for sweaters and jackets. and while i was stuck on the blanket with the baby, lots of people stopped by to say hi.

seems that most people at the school have a french spouse, or a canadian-french spouse. so it was a little disappointing not meeting another non-french speaking family. the people that we did meet were very reassuring. not that hubbin and i questioned our decision about putting her in the school, and we were never hesitant about sending her there, but it is/was a risk. and to hear how well other kids adapted and how quickly they started speaking french was amazing.

and for the first time ever, boo went off and did her own thing while we were around. she usually wants one of us with her all the time, but i guess she knows that the school is a safe place and it’s ok to do your own thing. which is great to see as a parent, but it’s hard to get used to such instant independence.

i met a really nice woman, married to a frenchmen. she reminded me of JCSG, short red hair, glasses, communications major, infectious laugh and just as critical of cindy mccain as we were. her son is a grade above boo. she didn’t ask for my number, but she did ask if we were in the school directory. so that was good.

it’s hard for me to meet new people. i stay at home with my kids, it’s important, but not very interesting. not when the gorgeous architect just got a job in Morocco and the other woman’s husband is Croatian and they had be living in Montenegro for the summer. i pulled out my best frances mcdormand “fargo” voice on the way home, if only to make myself feel better.

today has been a test of patience. the buns was up on and off from 3-6 AM. then boo got up and we geared up for her first day of school. a shortened day, but first day nonetheless. shorter still since their playground time was cut short due to rain. i’m tired and have that shaky feeling you get when you’re running on empty.

boo had an absolute fit when we tried to get her ready for school this morning. she was so excited all weekend, and we had a practice run putting her uniform on and everything. then this morning, she completely fell apart. i tried to take pictures, but a lot of them have tear streaked cheeks and pouty looks.

school went really well. her teacher is very nice and there were other parents there. as usual, on the first day of school, i didn’t talk to anyone. boo met some of the girls. and i got the feeling that some of the parents were there for a photo opp. i’ve never been one for skin tight designer jeans with high heel black strappy sandals, but apparently it’s a look i can hope to pull off well past forty.

we sang songs and did an art project, then snack and play time. boo didn’t want to leave. there was tolerable whining when we left. she woke up from her nap and cried for 45 minutes straight and for the life of me i can’t tell you why. it’s so easy, when one is so tired, to just give in and give her what she wants. to keep the peace. but fuck that. part of being a good parent is not taking the easy road. it’s doing what you know needs to be done even though it’ll end in tears. for both of you.

even though the calendar says that summer isn’t over until the equinox sometime between september 21-22, we all know it ends on labor day.

i keep thinking i didn’t do anything this summer. and that’s true, except for the fact that i gave birth in late spring, and nursed through june. so while that is a major accomplishment, it kept me tethered to my children. not that i am complaining.

in “that’s so awesome” news….went to see The Black Crowes at the MN State Fair saturday night. we had tickets on the mezzanine level and three or four songs in, due to my awesome chair dancing skills, some uberchick comes up and says, “We knew we couldn’t stay late, and you look like you’re having such a great time….have our tickets. They are 16th row, center stage.” SHA! so hubbin drags me, giggling and screaming “that’s so awesome”, down to 16th row center. cannabis and corn dogs - can’t beat it.

today we are home - a family day. boo starts school tomorrow, even though it’s only a few hours and i’m going with her. still, first day of school…summer’s gone, summer’s gone.

boo has an imaginary friend who lives in the toy closet down in the basement, her name is Jezebel. she isn’t so much an imaginary friend as she is a ghost, but a nice ghost. funny how Jezebel turned up as talk of the “new school” came into play.

just got an e-mail from boo’s new uppity immersion school.

I
AM
SO
EXCITED

back to school thrills are like no other. i can’t wait to see her in her little uniform!

yesterday, convinced that our tin foil covered windows were what was causing hubbin and i to frequently implode, i tore the foil off with flourish and instantly felt better. the buns got a little scared at my enthusiasm, making a cute little face close to crying, but you could tell he wasn’t sure. and when i smiled down at him and said it was okay, he totally believed me.

the last week we’ve been working on getting the kids’ room in order, yes they are sharing a room. boo’s princess bed is set up now, and we are working on transitioning the buns to the crib. i hate to admit it, but he sleeps so good in the car seat, it’s hard to give up. he got TEN HOURS of sleep in the car seat last night. if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

hubbin thought that boo would have a hard time falling asleep in our room if the foil was off - not true! she was out by 9PM, which is early for her. and now it’s coming up on 7AM and she and hubbin are still asleep.

i didn’t realize it until after hubbin came up that i had passed out with boo, usually i stay up and read, but guess not.

**dream post ahead**

and i had a dream about my Mom. i’m having some issues with my Dad (big, major, Oprah issues) and i so desperately want to talk to her about it. and last night she showed up, but it was a “good day” for her up to a point and i didn’t want to spoil anything. the weird thing is, is that she was wearing red eye shadow, which she’d never do in real life - but in the dream world, she pulled it off. then the pain started to get the better of her and she wanted one of her pills, she handed me a pill case and when i opened it to the right day and dumped the pills out there were so many of them that i had no idea which one was the one she wanted. and i didn’t get to tell her about my dad. so i woke up happy to have seen her, but glum that she’s gone.

then, for the first time, i had a dream about my family in my house. i’ve never had dreams about this house before, and we’ve lived here like ten years. but in the dream, i was in my kitchen and had made a quesadilla. hubbin came along and totally snatched it. and when i said, hey, i just made that! he grumbled something about my nutrition and threw it in dishwater. i got made and left and couldn’t find boo, i was walking up the street calling for her, and then she came running to me (in that way kinds do on TV). there was such a feeling of elation at that moment, such joy and peace that i started to cry. i swept her up in my arms and woke up.

weird.

the family is gone and the party is over. boo is three and the buns has been baptized. i’m exhausted and frustrated. when i get tired my patience with the kids decreases and it shouldn’t since they are dog tired too.

so we are having a mellow day. i’d love to get out and go to the park, but i think i’m going to fix lunch, give boo and bath and try to get the both to sleep.

how do these women do it all the time? i just don’t get it.

i’m bored to tears. there is plenty to do around here, the entire house could be dusted, but i don’t have any motivation for anything. i feel toxic and prickly. i simply feel like i only take up space - a large amount of space, but more on that in a minute.

i love my children. i would kill and be killed for them. i went through so much to bring them into our lives and for whatever reason i feel sad and guilty when they don’t complete me. granted, they aren’t supposed to. not at all. but being a stay at home mom just isn’t for me. i mean, i’m not a huge success someplace else in my life where being able to stay home is a luxury. hubbin and i decided that this is what we would do, that he would work and i would stay home (not that that’s not work). it’s just so menial and ungratifying. i can’t be happy everyday. i just can’t. it’s no longer in me or a part of who i am.

i feel orphaned by my family and abandoned by most of my friends. i feel than hubbin does only the minimum required and i have completely shut down. i never have a minute to myself without one of the kids needing something so why bother. even now as i type buns is crying and working out some gas and boo is impossible to please since she only slept for less than an hour during nap.

i also hate the body i’m in. i weigh more now than i did at the height of my pregnancy and that is enough to make me want to cut myself.

poor me.