mydarlingcurse.com

Medication Needed

Post on March 3rd, 2010 by Jodie

First off, we’re fine. We’re all fine and no one was hurt.

But there should be some other phase for when you get rear-ended at a Railroad Crossing with your daughter in the car. Freaked the fuck out doesn’t quite cover it. I am no longer ashamed of having a healthy supply of xanax in the house. Days like this, that shit comes in real handy. Especially when, after talking to my Hubbin for a few minutes he asks me if I have any or have already taken some. The answer is a big fat YES.

Thank god too, because Boo was really looking forward to today with me and I’ve been on the phone and excusing myself constantly to regain composure. She’s so awesome. More than awesome.

Currently she’s dancing around in her new ballet stuff - she starts class tomorrow - to a Tinkerbelle song and it’s warming my heart and making me relax and breathe easier. God I love her.

Category the love i have for you, medication needed, momdom | No Comments »

Little Pink Pill

Post on March 1st, 2010 by Jodie

I tweaked my shoulder, neck and back over the weekend. I don’t know how. And after self-medicating (my favorite hobby) with some Chardonnay, my dad gave me two little pink pills called darvocet. I think.

I cannot really take pain medication without getting horribly nauseated. So as much as I’d like to be a pill popper - the lining of my stomach does not allow it. However I did have one anti-nausea pill left in the back of the cabinet. So last night, when I couldn’t stand the pain anymore and after I had iced my back, shoulder and neck, I broke down and took the pills.

They both worked great, and after seeing the chiropractor this morning I’m on the mend. However I had a really vivid dream.

I was in Boston at an old theatre/playhouse. I was carrying around this beat-up paperback novel with me with a green and white cover and real flowery art. I think I had written the book. But I kept opening it and flipping pages trying to remember something or looking for a clue. Then it dawned on me, I was looking for Jason Bateman because I knew he liked old-timey typewriters and the theatre had an “historical display of Early American typewriters”. So I was hoping to run into him and tell him I’m sorry I left. That I still loved him and then I was overcome with weepiness and sorrow at the thought that he might not want me back.

THEN the play started. It was Macbeth - staring (get this) Jeremy Irons and Cher. I got so caught up in the unnaturalness of the thing that I stopped looking for Jason Bateman and became utterly engrossed in watching what turned out to be a really good show.

Category medication needed, dorkdom, dreams | No Comments »

Not cheating, but not putting any effort in either…

Post on November 13th, 2009 by Jodie

Holidays

by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The holiest of all holidays are those
Kept by ourselves in silence and apart;
The secret anniversaries of the heart,
When the full river of feeling overflows;–
The happy days unclouded to their close;
The sudden joys that out of darkness start
As flames from ashes; swift desires that dart
Like swallows singing down each wind that blows!
White as the gleam of a receding sail,
White as a cloud that floats and fades in air,
White as the whitest lily on a stream,
These tender memories are;–a Fairy Tale
Of some enchanted land we know not where,
But lovely as a landscape in a dream.

I saw this on Ann Leary’s blog a few days (weeks) ago and loved it. And on days like today wherein I have too much to say and can’t say it all; days like today wherein I can feel myself already editing things I haven’t written or said, I feel it’s best just not to say or do anything. So I pull a poem off of somewhere else to give you a least a little piece a beauty, because I feel so horribly horribly shitty.

Category medication needed, NaBloPoMo, poetry | No Comments »

Eleven Eleven

Post on November 11th, 2009 by Jodie

I went back and reread the posts from the last three years. In no way am I over my Mom’s death. The last 36 hours have been hard. I feel this day coming and it puts me in a bad mood. Then when it gets here I’m grouchy and sad. I should be. I lost my Mom to a horrible disease. She was young and pretty and deserved more. Much more.

I would love to say that her passing has brought my Father and I closer, but it hasn’t. Not yet anyway.

It’s just really hard to go through this day without a kind word from anyone close to me.

I miss my Mom. Terribly.

Category the love i have for you, medication needed | Comments Off

On cheering myself up…

Post on October 28th, 2009 by Jodie

I have been up on and off since 4:30AM. It’s abysmal. And for once, it’s not The Buns waking up with his five alarm fire scream and subsequent two hours of crying. This was all me. Boo crept up into our room at about 4:18. We went back down to her room and then she and I were awake for another half hour. For whatever reason she was just wide awake and wanted to talk to me. She fell asleep between 5-5:15 and then slept until 6:30. I, on the other hand, wafted through anxiety-ridden wakefulness, half-sleep, deep relaxation while awake and maybe a cat-nap. I feel barely functional. Like maybe I shouldn’t drive small children around.

Luckily, The Buns goes into daycare today. Which leaves me home with Boo. And we are still struggling with her attitude and willingness to do what she’s told. It’s wearing me down. This is my favorite time of year and I don’t feel like I can fully enjoy it. I’m seriously considering buying her the new Tinkerbelle movie, just so I don’t have to deal with her. And then when she watches it and wants to watch it again right away, I’ll say yes and sleep.

I hate feeling this way. I confuse it so easily with anxiety and depression. Then I start thinking there is something deeply wrong. And soon I’m in a panic spiral thinking I have all kinds of terminally diseases which all stem from the fact that I am morbidly obese and every other woman in my family is dead.

We went to the pumpkin patch last night with the kids and they have this hay-bale picture area with pumpkins and mums and gourds, etc. We have our family picture taken there every year. It’s just my thing. When I look back at the those pictures it’s so obvious that I have gained a good 70-80 pounds in the last four years. This year’s was the worst. Even when you crop it, so it’s just our faces there is still a very fat unhappy girl underneath it all. One of my favorite things and I’m not happy.

I feel like I will snap out of this, I want to. But even if mentally I’m feeling better, physically there is still the fat issue. Maybe I’ll apply the Betty Draper diet to myself, just drink red wine and have cigarettes for dinner - pick at but not actually eat a salad - coffee for a snack. The upside to that is you get Don Draper for dessert. Yum!

Category just the day, medication needed, momdom | Comments Off

Poor Me

Post on October 23rd, 2009 by Jodie

All month long Hubbin and I have been struggling to keep the kids active and doing fun things. October has been especially shitty here in Minneapolis. It’s rained 9 out of 10 days and the temperature has barely been about 40 degrees. It’s depressing. Kids should be out enjoying cool, dry air and jumping in leaves. But it snowed at the beginning of the month and it’s been a wet muddy sink-hole since.

It can be stressful constantly planning things to do. Because on days like today; slate-gray, wet, and 35 degrees, you can’t go out and play with your 19-month old. Slides are wet, leaves are wet, puddles are icy, and he’s got a runny nose already. So I’m running out of ideas.

This weekend however is so overbook that I’m in tears trying to figure it out and let people down easy. We have been invited to a birthday party down on a friend’s farm for their one-year old. It’s going to be horses and apple-bobbing and fall/harvest type stuff. The kids are going to love it. Boo is all into the horses now. We have also had plans to go up to my BFF’s house with another groovy couple for silliness with all the kiddos. My BFF has two-year old twins, and the other groovy couple has a 3 1/2 year old boy. It’s the perfect blend for my little darlings. And I love love love my BFF and the other groovy couple. There is also a local music scene I want to check out, and one of Boo’s school mates family is hosting a bunch of the French teachers over for a Crepe Cook-off. Holy shit, have you ever had crepes with Nutella?! It’s manna from heaven bitches. Seriously.

AND I’ve been invited to see a musical tonight with aforementioned BFF and her Mum and brothers. I can’t go tonight, but I want to. Not really to see the musical, but to see BFF and her family.

All month long we’ve been struggling to come up things to do and then everything happens on this one weekend. I know, I know, I sound like an ungrateful socialite. Sorry, darlings, I just have TOO much to do. Bleh.

It would help if I weren’t a total shut-in every other weekend, but to have so much fall on this one day, it’s frustrating. And naturally we want to do what is going to be the most fun for the kids, not what’s most fun for us. How’s that for mother-of-the-year mentality? Did I just lose all sense of myself as a person and not just a mother? Hmm…I’ll have to look into that. Surprisingly, for once, Hubbin has an actual opinion about this weekend. He never weighs in unless it’s really important, so I can’t just discount that, even if it’s the exact opposite of what I want. Hmm..Did I just lose all sense of myself as a person and not just a wife?

Days like today, the weather, the stress, just make me want to hide in bed. I’m not a non-confrontational person. I’ll bring it to the mat every time. However, I hate to disappoint people, and that’s going to happen no matter what. Sigh.

Category just the day, medication needed | Comments Off

Summer doldrums

Post on August 18th, 2009 by Jodie

I have a category called ‘medication needed’ and it’s for things like this. Unhappy, tired, negative bullshit. As much as I consider myself an independent woman, when my relationship with my husband breaks down I’m at a total loss. I can handle crisis from just about every angle, but when I come home to a void its just beyond lonely.

Unfortunately the only one to help me fix this is the one person I want to avoid. Funny how that seems to work. I have been thinking that I need to get back on the meds though — that’s the truth. I can’t take the purple ones due to the tinnitus side-effect. So I need something else. And going into the doctor to discuss it is just a chore, so I don’t want to do it.

I think a good dose of Chardonnay and a long, slow screw from Adrien Brody would do wonders.

Category just the day, medication needed | Comments Off

And not another word after this…

Post on July 31st, 2009 by Jodie

This Octomom bullshit really gets to me. And I feel that while everyone has an opinion about this, I’ve actually taken fertility drugs, so I know more than the average person about this. But I don’t want to waste my time, breath, and efforts on this woman.
But now that she’s inked this deal for a reality show about her kids, well….that’s just too much for me.

Why the world is still paying attention to this woman is beyond me. She’s a mercenary and thank CHRIST that someone has gotten involved on behalf of her children. Let’s set aside for a moment that women, human women with half a brain in their heads, are not supposed to have a litter of babies. Not all at once anyway. Let’s set aside the fact that her doctor should be publicly stoned for his questionable practices, both before Octomom and after. Let’s set aside that her own mother thinks she’s a bad mom and shouldn’t be taking care of the 14 kids she now has. Let’s not look at the two million couples waiting to adopt a baby. Let’s just look at this poor excuse of a woman and help her out.

Shame on you, reality TV assholes. Shame on you.

I am not going to waste another thought or type another word about this women.

Category shut up already!, medication needed, momdom | No Comments »

Cold snap

Post on July 18th, 2009 by Jodie

Whenever the weather dips below seventy degrees I instantly start thinking of the Ex-English Teacher. It’s such a bad habit, but so completely out of my control. It is a horrible seasonal thing, but wonderful too. I KNOW it’s not even remotely autumn but this recent cold snap here in Minneapolis is delightful. I just feel the need to be with him and talk to him. Not that I have anything interesting to share, but just to be with him, almost to re-calibrate in some way.

When I was going through my Deadwood phase, there was a scene that wasn’t that significant, but it explained a lot about two characters. One of the characters, Trixie, was a whore and her pimp, the main character of the series, Al. Trixie eventually gets out of “the business” but whenever anything bad happens, or a major change shakes up her life, she’s right back in Al’s office consulting with him. She tries to explain it to her new boyfriend, who is fully aware of her past employment/employer. She has no explanation other than, that’s just what whores do, they go back to their pimp since it’s the closest thing to a father or home they know.

Not that the Ex-English is a pimp, HA! Far from it. And while I’ve been called a “whore”, I’ve never actually been a whore. But this need to return to him, to be with him, I can’t explain. It’s as sick and wrong as Trixie makes it sound, but I can’t help myself.

Here is a more flowery version, from Shakespear’s Much Ado About Nothing. Not sure of the act and scene….

Benedick: Suffer love. a good epithet, I do suffer love indeed, for I love thee against my will.

Category just the day, the love i have for you, medication needed | No Comments »

Employment Dispute

Post on July 15th, 2009 by Jodie

The average american worker puts in about nine hours a day. 45-50 hours a week, roughly. Probably more. The average american worker gets paid time off and sick days.

Not me.

My sick days are like any other day. No concern, no sympathy, no time off.

Where the fuck is my HR rep. I have a serious bone to pick.

Stay at home mom is a shitty shitty job. Your projects are never completed and your task list is immense.

Yeah, sure, you’re molding the bright minds of our future, but at what cost? Mental and physical health that’s the cost. My fucking mental and physical health.

No time off though, never.

And here I am bitching. Two beautiful children, healthy, normal, smart and funny. Both in daycare two days a week. I should be cutting my right arm off in sacrifice I’m so lucky. If only I had a day off to do it.

Category shut up already!, bitch!, medication needed, momdom | 1 Comment »

Archive for the ‘medication needed’

Medication Needed

Little Pink Pill

Not cheating, but not putting any effort in either…

Eleven Eleven

On cheering myself up…

Poor Me

Summer doldrums

And not another word after this…

Cold snap

Employment Dispute

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