mydarlingcurse.com

yesterday was my brother’s birthday. he’d have been 47.

when i think back to where i was a year ago, chances are probably in a car, somewhere between the twin cities and rochester. chances are i’d have been wiping tears from my cheeks. i remember being really worried about my dad, and how he was coping. i remember thing my brother’s mom is a big bowl of crazy and that it was so sad that my dad was going through all of this with her, without my mother’s help.

the only way i felt that i could help was to tell my brother, in our private last moments, that things would be ok. that death was nothing to fear. i’d make sure the kids were looked after and taken care of and that i’d always be a part of their lives. i told him there was a place waiting for him - without pain and i gave him ever ounce of courage i had so he’d let go of this and get to that place.

i broke down at his bedside. i tried so hard to draw down my mom and my aunt jan from heaven, a place of compassion and mercy - desperate to end his pain - please take him, take him now, make it quick, make it soon. but he wasn’t ready. he lasted for hours after that.

my poor sister-in-law, slootie. she can’t stand my brothers’ mom, or that other son of my dad’s - who was there. she couldn’t be in the same room with them. she said she didn’t understand the whole “bedside vigil”, she thought my brother wouldn’t have wanted people to watch him die. she was down the hall in the lounge, i brought her blankets and a pillow. and i told her what the last few hours were going to be like.

when someone dies in a hospital, time doesn’t stop. your heart breaks in half and you find yourself amazed at your own ability to walk, but the hospital machine keeps a-runnin’. i told slootie how unemotional the process is - how sympathetic the staff will be, but the big thing is all the business. do you want an autopsy done? where would you like the body sent? they give you something to sign after they pronounce your loved one dead. you have to sign it. you have to collect all of your things from the room and vacate it. you bring all these things to your car and you leave a corpse behind. same person, same bed, same room, but a corpse.

my brother celebrated his final birthday at the hospital. four days later he died.

personally, i don’t dwell on these things, but i know that some people do. i talked to slootie yesterday and they were doing to maybe go to Bro’s fave restaurant and she said that the kids wanted to bake him a cake - angel food. she’s thinking about taking them to his grave on tuesday. they haven’t seen the headstone i picked out for him.

my dad spent the day out on the ice fishing with buddies. old man therapy. i checked in on him, and told him i loved him. we didn’t talk too much about it. it sounded like he was handling it better than my mom’s one year anniversary.

i just did what i said i would do, looked after things.

yesterday was the family x-mas. it wasn’t nearly as bad as i though. my stoner cousin had a little fit about shitbagfuckface being so late and my dad not being organized, but sometimes you just have to let people learn their own lessons. the stoner cousin can handle a dose of reality, believe me.

i was really uncomfortable yesterday with being pregnant, not with being around family. i made it a point not to work myself up about that. i learned on x-mas eve that i need to step back and not get involved too much.

when SBFF showed up, thankfully boo was ready for a nap. so i got a chance to lay down for a bit, that helped. but with all the stuff leading up to yesterday, i’m left exhausted. i’m not bitching here, but it was *me* who did all the shopping this year, it was *me* who wrapped all of the gifts. and i’m done. i’m spent. christmas is finally fucking over.

i was looking forward to a lazy day today. doing little things here and there, but not really being on a schedule. however, hubbin is really motivated today and we are just so not gellin’. so while he’s downstairs organizing the office and guest room (his reasoning here is that he wants boo to have a dedicated space to color and do art projects that are not in the kitchen), boo and i are upstairs going through my side of the closet since one of those great charity groups is picking up stuff tomorrow.

i love those groups by the way. the send you a bag, the call you to set up a pick up, the take your stuff and leave you a tax receipt. i bet they’d come clean your closet out too if you asked. i got one box filled and needed a break. while i am glad to get rid of things that i haven’t worn in over a year, i’m a little disgusted at my own excess. some of these things are practically new. and there are a few things that i know my mom gave to me. there are even some of her clothes that a year ago i couldn’t bear to part with. now, i hear this little voice saying, you’re not really keeping this green stripey t-shirt because you remember me wearing it, are you? no mom, i’m not. it’s going in the box.

the biggest heartbreaker, honestly, is that soooo many of my clothes, her clothes, our clothes, were from dayton’s or marshall fields. my mom worked there in gift-wrapping and got crazy discounts. and i miss the Field Manor line desperately. but life goes on and when i’m no longer pregnant, recovering from pregnancy, or depressed, i promise that i’m going to start shopping at a place other than target.

and while this is all well and good, and yes i’m being productive, i can’t help but think, this isn’t the sunday i wanted. but that’s ok. JCSG and i have plans to get together next sunday. we are actually going to resurrect Bookclub Bitches and review Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal (no pun intended), and watch Rock of Love 2. and i can’t wait, i just cannot wait!

can we just stop? please? can it be just before christmas for another week?
it’s not that i’m not ready, i don’t really care if i’m ready.
but for everyone else….can we just stop?

much to the dismay of my family, my dad’s other son decided he will be joining us. and he wants to participate. this throws a monkey wrench into the whole deal. so i spent an hour on the phone with my dad working it all out and explaining again what the deal was with christmas. and because my dad’s other son is such an asshole, he won’t buy stocking stuff for anyone but my dad, and no one wants him to. it’s bad enough the ape is going to be there, no one wants him buying gifts.

and….my dad’s family wants to do brunch on christmas day. like out. so i spent much of the morning calling places to see if they were open christmas day. and guess what. the only place that’s open is denny’s. so fuck that.

christmas eve is shaping up nicely, i think. i am glad to hear that aunt iowa is coming early, so she can help get things together for my dad. but as of today, we are 22 for dinner. no way can he pull that off, no fucking way!

hubbin’s family has not given us any information about christmas day dinner. things are very much up in the air with all that, naturally. more on that later though.

boo is feeling much better but still has a cough. hopefully a few more days on the antibiotics will clear that up. but don’t think i don’t notice.

so can we just stop? can we postpone and reschedule? i’m so not up for it.

so i have been purposefully not talking about baby A on here since i got back from arizona. i think i’ve been pretty clear about how conflicted i am about the whole thing. and i’ve tried really hard to balance that with care and the love that i have for all involved. especially baby A.

while i was in arizona i came to the realization that it’s probably best for everyone involved if i remove myself as much as possible from the entire situation. currently, i am further along in my pregnancy than Crazy SIL was when baby A was born. and i can’t help but think - when i remember looking at baby A in the isolette - that’s about the size of bunny. what’s out in the world working so hard and struggling so much is safe inside of me, protected and continuing to grow. baby A is being supported by artificial systems that are a poor substitute for the real deal and bunny is getting all the benefits of staying tucked inside. but it could be us. who knows what can happen.

now, i don’t keep myself up at nights thinking these things, so don’t worry. but those thoughts seem to have an effect on ALL of my dealings with the whole baby A situation. i ask too many questions, questions they don’t know or don’t want to know the answers to. all along i have been thinking the biggest challenge for this little guy is going to be lung development and respiratory issues. and guess what, it’s here. he has a Staph infection either from heart surgery or from being on the ventilator. and they diagnosed him with pneumonia.

we haven’t been to seen him since before we went to arizona. i am ok with that. i’d love to go and tell him that i love him and that it’s going to be ok. but i guess he’s really sensitive… touch, light, sound, everything. and with an infection and pneumonia, i don’t want to chance it. and i don’t know if i could go. it seemed easier when i was less pregnant.

my Crazy SIL had to have an emergency c-section early saturday morning and gave birth to a 1 lb. 3 oz. baby boy at 23 weeks and 6 days. from what i’ve heard baby is doing well.

this is the drama that started brewing while i was in ireland. she’s been in the hospital for almost two weeks now. apparently when she went in for her 20 week ultrasound, they noticed that her cervix was funneling. they told her she needed to have a stitch placed in her cervix to prevent it from dialating. they took her to the hospital and before they could schedule the surgery, her water broke. however, she did not go into labor at that time. she spent a week in the hospital before the emergency c-section.

i have so many thoughts about all of this. it’s hard to sort them all out. i am glad that baby is doing ok, but i can’t like feeling he shouldn’t be here yet. and it’s going to be hard to seperate this experience from my own. i just had my 18 week check-up and things are great with bunny. but who is to say that in four weeks that couldn’t change? also, and this is the most difficult for me - there were signs early on that something might not be completely OK with this pregnancy. not only with the deal at boo’s b-day, but apparently she had an ultrasound a few weeks before the 20 week one and they told her there was a problem with her cervix then.

so without blame, i can’t hep but wonder if any of this could have been prevented.

i pray for this little soul - fighting and struggling for life - but there is something so very wrong with a baby being born before 24 weeks. so wrong. i hope he makes it, i truly do. i just don’t think we are out of the woods yet, not by a long shot.

not only do i come back from ireland to a house of pestilence, boo with watery eyes and a runny nose and hubbin with a cough, but the drama - oh the drama!

Crazy SIL is in the hospital on bed rest. she is between 23 and 24 weeks and her water broke. and at some point, most likely very prematurely, her baby will be born. i hope that all the miricles surrounding situations like this are not reserved only for reality TV. but my god, i can’t begin to imagine.

on the plus side, i had my 18 week appointment and all is well. i can’t help thinking though that it will be difficult to seperate my experience from hers, especially if, god forbid, the worst happens.

day by day i guess.

so after i told my mother-in-law that boo wasn’t going to be home, but that she could stop by anyway, i guess she took that to mean, everyone can meet at my house, not to see me or boo, but because it was on the way.

Crazy SIL and uncle montana had some business to do, so MIL brought zeno with her here, then SIL and unlce montana come over to pick up zeno on their way to the Fair. like the whole thing was really convenient for everyone but me. it is good seeing zeno, but like i said, he doesn’t like me much. and if grandma is around - forget it.

i did get one thing out of it, uncle montana agreed to finish off a closet and do some other small handyman stuff for us. and i got to show him what we wanted done. and i talked to the Crazy SIL about starting an account for zeno. naturally, she hadn’t discussed it with unlce montana. sigh.

a week ago she was bitching about having to buy his niece a b-day gift, and then they go to the Fair. i just don’t get it. the fair is going to cost more than $50. i mean the two of them, parking, gas, food, etc. i’m sure someone can go to the Fair for $50 bucks, but i don’t see rachel rey around, do you?

so sadly, i am more than done with the lot of them. it’s had to have respect for people who do absolutely nothing to help themselves. and i feel bad more my MIL, cuz who is going to say no to their kids and grandkids? thankfully, she will get some time with boo on sunday. hubbin and i have decided to sneak out to a movie - something low key and fun. but i’m willing to be that if we don’t call her to babysit, she won’t see boo until we do. and i feel that MIL should have more choices than that.

and i keep asking myself - how the hell do i deal with this? i mean, it’s so bullshit bitch to keep my mouth shut and play along, but how do i bring up something that pissed me off over a month ago and is now tainting almost every interaction i have with them? and is it even worth it? i mean can the damage be repaired? does it matter?

so after the whole fiasco with my uterus, things have calmed down. i’m still feeling woozy, but who wouldn’t. and despite doctors orders not to vacuum, the inch of dog hair covering my floors won out. other than that, i am doing my best to stay still.

i took boo to school this morning, she’s on 3 days a week during “recovery/house arrest/bed rest”. but my mother-in-law called and is stopping by with zeno. also, why i vacuumed. zeno is cute, but he doesn’t really like me since i don’t put up with his bullshit. boo doesn’t like me much sometimes either, but fuck if i’m going to let a two year old tell me what to do, or when she should sleep. huh-uh. if it doesn’t work with my own, why would it work for anyone else. he’s cute, but he’d not that cute.

and this visit has my blood all riled up again over the Crazy SIL and what happened at boo’s b-day party. and now i’m all pissed off again.

during our course of financial planning, hubbin and i are discussing 529’s (we’re SO adult), and things to do for our kids (yeah, plural, I KNOW!) and maybe some family - like zeno and his sib, TBD. i mean, zeno turns one if about a month and we’d like to do more than just give him a toy, you know? i mean, they aren’t going to baptize him or name god-parents (although Crazy SIL takes the role and title very seriously, but she’d never do it for anyone else, weird). so hubbin and i kinda thought, we’d be the ones to kinda help out in that area, you know, unoffically.

but now it’s like, is it even worth it? i mean, i know it’s not zeno’s fault. so he shouldn’t suffer because of his parents lack of planning or judgement. and a part of me, and hubbin, feel like THEY should be the ones thinking about this stuff. they should be the ones responsible for his future, and planning for it. and we should just help out on birthday’s and christmas and stuff, because that’s what they want. i mean, my god-daughter heidi, all her brothers have accounts and so we started one for her, that’s what her parents said they wanted. and when i asked Crazy SIL - she had no idea and said she’d talk to uncle montana and get back to me. surprise surprise that hasn’t happened yet.

the whole thing just upsets me. but i am more sickened by myself. not saying anything, playing false when i’m in front of them, etc. i guess i’m just a bad person.

and i’d love more than anything to be able to wash it all away with some chard, but no.

might have something to do with early pregnany, but obviously there is not enough sleep in the world for me, not nearly enough.

after hubbin came home from his week in Little Rock, we went to his brother’s, CK, b-day party/picnic. which was hard because i am a little fed up with some members of his family. and it was a nice party, although the main course was peanut butter and jelly sandwiches - yeah, don’t ask.

and while we were all enjoying a quiet sunday morning, my wacky neighbour comes over for like two hours with her little boy - and they won’t leave. then in a weird twist of events my SIL slootie calls and is concerned about the kids. KK and Bubba went up to the cabin with my dad and annie oakley for six days. they were calling slootie everyday and crying and saying that they wanted to come home - when was i planning to go up to the cabin and save them?

i had just decided that morning that i wasn’t going to go, i was exhausted and had lots of stuff planned for early in the week, plus hubbin had only been in town a little over 24 hours and i didn’t want to take boo away so soon. now, i know slootie didn’t call to get me to go up there, she was just concerned, but i knew it was going to happen. my dad has no concept of how to deal with people on their level, he bends them to his will, and that doesn’t work well with tweens he hasn’t seen all summer. plus it was annie oakley up there, not my mom.

i don’t need to go into how much i miss my mom, i’ll just say it’s heartbreaking and just the thought sometimes makes me cry for hours at a time. and i think the kids miss her too.

my dad and annie oakley have become very affectionate over the last few weeks, uncomfortably so. and i was a little surprised at how selfish they are with each other, especially with the kids and me around. so it was hard.

but i packed up my shit and boo and drove up there and did what i could. however, it was just me taking care of the boo, so there was not a lot of sleep involved with that. and when i come back home, everything that i had scheduled for monday and tuesday got pushed to wednesday, then hubbin and i have it out and i can’t take it anymore.

to make matters worse, i am co-hosting a couples shower this weekend for psycho jen and her hubba. so i need to shop and do a bunch of cooking prep today.

and i think that technically i’m about 6 weeks along and am hitting the wall, there are times when i can’t keep my eyes open and i can’t explain it to anyone so they understand and there is no one to help. and i can’t do it on my own, but feel forced to. i don’t want to start cutting people off, but i think i am going to have to start. it’s the only way i am going to survive.

it’s impossible, literally impossible for me to have a family function without drama. thankfully, surprisingly, this time my family wasn’t involved. it was hubbin’s fam that ruined the day.

boo’s b-day party was sunday, and it really was a great party, we were outside there was a bit of a breeze, but not unbearably hot. however, as i was running my ass off (the trainers would be so proud) i came across my SIL - the one married to uncle montana, they are both sitting on the couch and she’s crying. so, as a good hostess and a good SIL, i go over there, check up on things. “is this a deal, you guys want me to leave you alone?” and she says no. and keeps crying. uncle montana bows out since he has zeno and has to keep him entertained.

so Crazy SIL and i go upstairs and she tells me what’s going on. well, she’s 8 weeks pregnant, and they had rought sex last night and now she has pain and is spotting, and she’s feeling sick, etc. ok, i say, that’s kinda normal. well, it never happened when i was preggers with zeno. well guess what sister, 2nd pregnancy, all bets are off. this seems to upset her more.

it’s not heavy she says, but it’s been going on for over 8 hours. ok, i say, should we go up and call the nurse line? will that put your mind at ease? probably, she says.

and here my darlings is where i lose all better judgement….

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