mydarlingcurse.com

So, it’s be quiet here lately. Yeah. And here’s the thing, I don’t want this to be my virtual tampon for every gush of something wrong or unpleasant. I mean, let’s get down to brass tacks here. I am a housewife, mother of two. I spend my days with a rambunctious two-year old who is at the stage where every time you say “No” or do something he does not like - he throws a huge screaming and crying fit. Seriously, it looks like the kid has been tasered when he gets going. It’s awful and something you just have to ride out. But it’s draining as well.

This is also a hard time of year for me. My brother died on February 5 2007. He celebrated his last birthday in the hospital. My parents’ wedding anniversary is around this time too. My Dad and Annie Oakley just got back from two weeks in Mexico. I guess that’s how he deals with it. Granted there are no right or wrong ways to dealing with death. Running off to a beach with your girlfriend and buddies pisses me off, but it must make him feel better. And I don’t agree with him just taking off. My cousin and my niece have a really hard time with all this death in the family. He could at least be around to call his grandkids - especially the two who lost their father. I understand that you need to take care of yourself. You need to cope and grieve. But as head of the family - which he reminds us all of so frequently - he needs to reach out and help others heal as well.

In unrelated news, I hate that today is Super Bowl Sunday. I am still so mad and hurt by the Vikings loss that I swear and choke up still when I talk about it. And here is why everyone is so broken up about it. This is the closest we will get to it. This was the year, this was the team, this was the QB. Chickenshit Childress had no answer or strategy for the Saints’ “Let’s Get Favre” defense and he should have. They fucking talked about it all goddamn week on ESPN. All the fucking time you heard “N.O. is going to force the turnover, the are going to attack Favre and try and strip the ball.” I head that shit every day!! Was Childress deaf to it? I hate it, hate it, hate it when games come down to a field goal. Because when that happens it means you fucking up some sweet opportunity earlier in the game and now you’re not play as a team, you’re counting on one guy. I was there at the Dome in 1998 when we missed the FG against Atlanta. It was awful. I’ve never recovered. And when the Vikings were gearing up for the FG….the FG that would have sent them to the Super Bowl I knew deep in my bones that they would fuck it up. I KNEW IT! Hubbin and I were pacing and clenching our fists and I had tears, seriously. And when it all went to hell I wanted to punch the TV and then stick my bloody hand in salt and lemon juice. I wanted to put a toothpick in my eye. I wanted to kick every single O-Line guy in the throat and then in the nuts. I wanted to box ears. I don’t give a fuck that N.O. has never been to the Super Bowl. I don’t care about healing the city or whatever. I want to peel the skin off of every FB friend who is rooting for N.O. I take some comfort in the fact that no way do they have a chance to win. But it should be us. A dear friend really, really, really, wants us to come over for the game and I don’t want to. I just don’t care. Sorry.

A few good things - it’s been about 30 days since my last cigarette. I think about smoking maybe once a day, but nothing is tipping the scales one way or another. Which is good. I coordinated a Bake Sale at Boo’s French school. We made about $700 in three days. I’m really proud of that. We are working on going to Arizona and I might take Boo down to Iowa during her February break. It was this time last year that I had emergency surgery down there. Oye!

- Packing for the trip was not as bad as I thought.
- Nice drive down - fall colors…ahhh.
- Cold white wine upon arrival.
- Hubbin sleeping in on his birthday.
- Getting manicures and pedicures with my cousin and daughter.
- Having my nails painted black and having halloween designs airbrushed on, toes too!
- Birthday dinner with family.
- Chocolate cake with family.
- Seeing Pezzettino in B-Sides‘ living room.
- Talking with Pezzettino afterwards (I wanted to put her in my pocket and take her home).
- Hugging B-sides, his pretty wife, and awesome daughter. I’ve missed them and didn’t realize how much until I saw them again.
- Hubbin having a good birthday.
- Boo making me a necklace with Aunt Iowa.
- Drive back, fall colors again and Viking game.
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Slootie is on lucky ass bitch! For the crime of Facilitation of Mortgage Fraud through Identity Theft, Slootie was sentenced to 90 days in a half-way house on work release, 300 hours of community service, and $17K restitution to the bank. One. Lucky. Bitch.

The judge was obviously swayed by the fact that she was a single parent to children who lost their father. He said that he believed that the kids needed her, and “needed her bad”. The regular federal guidelines say a sentence of 18 months minimum. Her own sentencing report said 24-30 months. And all she got was 90 days in a half-way house.

I am really happy for the kids, really happy. But such a deviation from the sentencing guidelines seems troubling.

So, it’s going to be an interesting summer. I’m sure we’ll get the kids for a week or two, which is great! But still, I feel bad that there will be a revolving door at their house this summer and no consistent care. Slootie has friends and neighbours lined up for a week at a time. Seems like there can be a better way of doing that. But what do I know?

As a Gemini, I have two sides to me, always. This whole Felony business is now really starting to eat at my craw. Slootie gets sentenced this week. On Thursday, to be specific. On Thursday, 4 June….my birthday. Since it’s still not all out in the open yet, I feel that it’s not my place to talk about all of it here, yet. Let me just get a few things off my chest.

First off, Slootie deserves what she gets. I am not fiercely protecting the image of my dead brother here, so don’t get me wrong. But anyone who knowing breaks the law, and who knows better, should be punished. Do I want her to go to jail? Hell no. Of course not. Do I agree with the principal of her going to jail and serving punishment for a crime, absolutely. However, sending her to jail has a warped sense of justice about it. Sure, she’s being punished, but what of the two innocents she has to leave behind? KK and Bubba - my niece and nephew - have already had a shitty enough hand dealt to them in their short lives. And I don’t see how the system punishing her (even rightly so) does not in some way ultimately punish them. I have a huge problem with that.

I also have a huge problem knowing what I know about the case. I find her motivation abhorrent, even though it has been stated that she did what she did with the best of intentions. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. No one signs another persons name over and over for the purpose of greed with good intentions. Fuck that! And the fact that she is still seeing this “good intention” after taking the fall for him, I find it very difficult to respect women who have no respect for themselves.

On the other hand, I feel the need to be there for her, to be there for the kids. She calls and I don’t hang up. She asked me to write a letter to the judge on her behalf and I did. It was a hard letter to write since I couldn’t in good faith actually plead for leniency. I only stated that my main concern was for the kids and that after seeing their father go through such a long and horrible illness, after losing him too soon, their Mother has been there to help them cope and they still need her. Which is true.

I am embarrassed as hell that my family has boiled down to this. But in a way it hasn’t. I have my own immediate family, and I think they are just swell. It’s this “family of origin” that I feel I’ll have to explain……she’s not a bad person, she’s just an incarcerated felon.

I am getting seasick from the fluctuation of feelings I have about all of this. How is justice served by putting her in jail and orphaning those kids? But how can I ever look her in the eye again if she gets off with a slap on the wrist?

I guess we’ll find out Thursday.

Too many things happening here at once. The cookbook is great, but not without drama. The felony thing is….not without drama. Annie Oakley “moved in”, on a trial basis of course. The Buns has had a fever for two days. I have a cold and am getting the big P. I really want to work on the Alaskan’s Poet show. I want to drink. Easter is a week away and I’m dreading having Easter dinner with the family. Especially now since Annie Oakley is fucking living there.

And it’s all negative bullshit.

I don’t want this blahg to be my emotional tampon - although sometimes I have no other place to go.

I still want to write about Wesley the Owl and I’m finishing Let The Right One In. But for whatever reason, I’m just hurt. Hurt and broken and I feel that I have no time to heal.

I have several things looming over my head at the moment. At the forefront are these felony charges. More on that later. No one has been sentenced yet, we don’t even know when sentencing is. But with the convicted being a single parent I am greatly concerned that my little family of four will become a family of six (with teenagers!). Another thing is finishing writing about The Worst Trip to Iowa EVA! I’ve been writing about it, but haven’t had time to proofread or edit. The Frenchie stuff is now taking up more of my time too. Fundraising is exhausting. And I’m working on two cookbooks, one for my family and one for the school. And I want to write a review of the very sweet Wesley the Owl.

Most importantly, I’m not feeling well. Some of it is left over from the surgery, but my sinuses are kicking back in and it’s almost impossible to get up in the morning. My head feels like it’s full of stale oatmeal.

Joking about having a convicted felon in the family = Ok. Actually having a convicted felon in the family = heartbreakingly weird.

Went down to Aunt Iowa’s for X-mess and things were a blur. The kids did not do well at all. Boo was coughing and feverish when we left and on Dec 25 at 5am, instead of waking us up to see what Santa had brought for her, she woke us up crying because her ear hurt. Target Clinic confirmed an ear infection last night.

The Buns did a little better, but not much. He’s teething and that makes him feverish and cranky. It was great to be around so much family. Uncle Arizona and I won the pool tourney, but I felt like Hubbin and I we constantly doing damage control, so it was impossible to relax and enjoy the moment.

Went to bed early and slept in, so that helps. Boo got about 12 hours of straight sleep. And Hubbin and the Buns are napping now. We were supposed to go up to Stearns County for family X-mess, but with the kids on the brink we’re not going. Which I’m really grateful for.

Hope you had a Merry merry.

i didn’t feel it coming on the way i usually do, but i can’t say i was surprised.

so, after a year of not dealing with it, i got the big P. and i feel like i’ve been dumped from the “new mom” category into the “normal woman” category. it’s nice.

also, on the legal side of things…hubbin and i “got our affairs” in order the other day by signing the final copies of our Wills, etc. and something weird came up that i reacted very strongly to.

in our Wills, there is a catch-all clause, which basically says if something very, very, horrible happens and the four of us are together and no one survives, our estate is then given in equal shares to our remaining heirs and heirs-in-law. half to my side, half to his basically. and i thought if the plane goes down while we are all on it going to AZ my Dad and that shitbag other son of his would get half of what i got from my Mom and half of what hubbin and i have built together.

i got two words….FUCK NO!

i was so adverse to the idea that i made the lawyer change both Wills to say that my half goes to my Aunt Iowa, because i feel deep down in my heart that that’s what my Mom would want. and i trust Aunt Iowa to distribute things evenly amoung my remaining nieces and nephew.

but it was unnerving having that strong of a reaction. the things with my dad are slowly working themselves out because i’ve made a huge effort to approach it as a “long con”. just plant little ideas until he gets the big idea and then it’ll be like he thought of it all himself in the first place. isn’t the best approach with all men though?

these issues with my Dad, to big and hurtful to mention here, are messing me up today.

i’m trying to write him a letter and i get two sentences down and start weeping. then i walk away from it, and come back only to gouge the wound even more and cry.

my chest hurts.

he’s off in AZ with annie oakley this week, doing his thing. which is fine. i’m working myself up so much over this thing, it’s probably better that he’s not within striking distance.