wonders of the season:

- boo thinking that snow is "bubbo" or bubbles.
- hubbin picking up the advent calander heirloom two weeks after i told him about it.
- once again tig and i say "merry christmas" to each other, but it means a whole lot more.
- hubbin and i wrapping gifts, having a drink, and listening to "a charlie brown christmas", my absolute favorite holiday tradition.
- gift wrapping for charity at barnes and noble and talking to people and looking at the books they buy.

on of my favorite lines from the soprano's is when bobby bacala has to play santa at the pork store - and he's terrible. and while all the mob guys are waxing on his terrible performance "you mad santa mad, not you're not getting nuthin'!"

sil says they'll need to send him to santa school next year, and paulie says "fucking Ho Hum" and it cracks me up every single time.

but that kinda the mood around la casa lately. hubbin is feeling it too. it hasn't snowed yet and the halloween decorations are still up. we don't have a tree, because there isn't a lot of room due to the basement remodel and most of our decorations are packed away.

i have gotten some of the presents wrapped, but with no tree to put them under, it doesn't seem very festive. hubbin was saying that boo deserves more of a christmas proper and i totally agree, but she still doesn't get it yet and i'd rather have her discover the wonder of the season on her own instead of keeping her on Target's schedule of when christmas should start, you know?

i am going to make time this week to put charlie brown on the CD player and sit down with hubbin and have a drink, it's our little tradition. but i don't know if i can pull out the santa music box yet. my mom and i would wind it up at some point every year, sit on the couch and cuddle and look at the tree. i'll miss that this year, but am looking forward to starting the tradition up again with boo next year.

hoppy hell-a-days!

after talking to tig, way too much and for too long, i've come up with the following list of thoughts:

- i am going to create a new energy drink and call it "calibrate".
- remote control pocket vibrators make great christmas gifts, notice, i didn't say stocking stuffers?
- semantics schemantics
- blue moon detective agency, addison and hayes, ten years later some of us never change our ways.
- out of all my "frieds", only two of them actually listen when i have something to say. hubbin not included, natch.
- the undeniable charm of grease 2 is universal
- water crackers and christmas m&m's are NOT a suitable guilty pleasure
- i need to put away the halloween decorations
- you can't listen to "candy" by iggy pop and kate pierson enough times to have it really bother you or stick in your head

i feel like too many people read this now, and i can't be myself. probably paranoia, but still.

on wednesday, november 8 i woke up and felt nagged by the fact that i was going to have to pack up boo and bring her over to my parents house. i don't mind seeing my parents and i don't mind bringing boo over there, but at that point it was more that i HAD to bring her over there, than just "hey, let's go see nana and papa." i've referenced my dad's guilt trip before.

around noon i called to let them know that we would be leaving soon. and my dad told me that the hospice was there and that they were taking my mom to the hospital. i talked to my dad and he didn't think that it was that serious. i told him that i would wait to hear from them. it's the worst feeling in the world to know that events beyond your control are happening, happening without you, happening regardless of your part.

my mom called a few minutes later and said that she was fine, but that she was having trouble breathing and that the nurse said she might have fluid in her lungs and that they were bringing her in to check her out. she wasn't worried and so therefore i shouldn't be worried. my mom, the worry wart wasn't worried. that scared me.

i called hubbin and told him he needed to come home. then i called aunt iowa and uncle arizona and told them that mom was going into the hospital, and that they didn't think it was serious, but.....

i got to the hospital around 2:00 PM and was ahead of them, they got my mom settled into a room around 2:45. the nurses were really nice and did their best to make sure my mom was comfortable. the nurse listened to my mom's chest and lungs and told us the doctor would be in soon. i looked around and knew that my mother was going to die in this room, not when, but that she was, she just was. but she kept saying that she wasn't worried.

people involved in hospice care know that they are terminal, there ususally isn't much hope of recovery. my mom knew this, and after talking to the doctor, the nurse, the hospital chaplin, she chose comfort over treatment and it was the bravest thing i've seen a person do.

there is so much talk about a person's right to die, and the point that is missing is, their comfort. it's a choice that not too many people get to make, and in actions that were true to form, my mom made a tough decision with dignity and grace. it's hard not to support that.

my dad had a tougher time with this decision, i however, was relieved to hear it. to hear it from her, to know that she was in control and this was her choice.

my dad left the hospital thinking that my mom would come home in a few days, that with some rest and pain meds, she'd find some strength and get a little better. i left hoping that he was right. i dodn't call my mom at the hospital that night, because i knew that she wasn't able to reach the phone. i was hoping that they were giving her lots of pain meds so that she would sleep. i wasn't expecting that she'd slip so much overnight.

but thursday is a different story.

remember that seinfeld episode when george leave a message on jerry's machine and all it says is "it's george.......i got nothing to say."

cracks me up every time.

totally how i feel though. i could probably go a week without talking. i just don't have anything to say.

everyone leaves today. i am dropping boo off at daycare and then taking the last of them to the airport around 11 AM. i knew this was coming, that some day she'd leave me. and i can't think too much about her going into the ground on a windy december day, but that's what happened.

don't freak out for me. no i don't want to talk about it. i am doing as well as i can. yes, i know it's going to get better, but not now.

i am tired and weak. i need sleep, and i need to clean. i need my mom to help get me in gear. she's doing it from above, i know. but for now, that's just not enough.