ok i'm back and totally busy. neice comes in thursday night, unlce arizona comes in friday, visitation friday night, mass and stuff saturday, family sunday, internment monday.

all in all i am feeling pretty good. although i hate the fact that everytime i call my dad he cries. i am amazed at how he is handling this. it's neither good, nor bad. there is no wrong way to deal with grief. i can't imagine losing my life partner. but it breaks my heart to see him so....unprepared....to deal with the loss. i am starting to think he wasn't seeing the big picture, and now it's blindsiding him, pardon the puns.

i have been crying for over a year about the loss of my mother. it started when she was still here. i have been on a shrink's couch every week for over six months working through all of it.

i just wish there were some way that i could help him. he doesn't seem to draw strength from others. if he doesn't have it within himself, he doesn't have it. that seems very lonely to me.

let the exhaustion come
be open to the sorrow and pain
accept the sadness and grief
don't fight loss
deserve happiness in all things
look for it
we share sadness, we rejoice in laughter too
ease your mind
forgive these happenings
relax your weary heart

love is here - always

full moon morning
blinds me from sleep
and gently moves me
from comfort to
mysticism

full moon morning
begs me to pray
Sister Orb
with you hallow light
grant me surrender

in this empty hour
between pitch and pale
all souls are desolate
yearning to be warmed
by another's skin

not by the sun
but from the light within

i have lost the ability to think straight. i am lashing out at my dad. he wants HIS way over every little thing, not mom's way. and i'm just so tired of having a discussion and defending every choice i make.

i can't imagine what it would be like to lose a life partner. i know full well what it's like to lose a mother though. he and i are on the same time, so why are we arguing?

after three days in the hospital, my mother passed away. i didn't think that i could be there at the end, but i was. both my dad and i were. it was so peaceful and beautiful and mysterious. i could tell when she had gone. i kept telling her that it was ok, she could go, dad and i would be ok, boo was home and safe and in bed dreaming about her, her work was done and now it was time for her to rest.

i am drawing strength from my sorrow, but i'm not sad. i'm not sad that she no longer has to struggle to move her body. i'm not sad that she is no longer in pain. i'm not sad that she isn't choking down 25 pills each and everyday, having a hard time swallowing them and then waiting for them to work.

you only miss people when they are gone, and she's not gone. she's upstairs in the rocker watching boo sleep.

i am grateful that there was nothing left unsaid between my mom and i. i wanted to hear her say "i love you" one more time of course. i wanted to have her hug me one more time. and right now she is.

services are going to be after the thanksgiving holiday. we are all still going to phoenix. i am planning some great things for her memorial service; she's going to love it.

take a deep breath ya'll. turn your face to the sun and let it warm you. give hugs today. lots and lots of hugs. know that the world is missing a beautiful, gracious soul, but that you can fill the hole by being kind to others.

i wouldn't say that i had a grand plans this morning when i woke up, but there a couple of things that i wanted to do. freaking out, not spending time with boo, having hubbin come home in the middle of the day, and going to the hospital did not make the list. however, that's what i did today.

around noon dad called and said that the hospice nurse wanted to take mom to the hospital. she has pneumonia, but it's not a wild, raging case. however because of the MSA she is too weak to cough, can't sit up to cough and doesn't have productive coughs. so the gunk sits there.

she has decided not to treat the pneumonia. so she's at the hospital, in the hospice wing, and they are giving her oxygen and keeping her comfortable, but she's not on any antibiotic or anything. taking antibiotic's would be an "aggressive treatment", people on hospice usually aren't looking for agressive treatments. if she chooses to have it treated, it bumps her out of the hospice catagory. it's fucked up. and that's not even covering half of it.

i feel like a ghost, my mind is somewhere outside of my body and i'm just wandering around making noises. i'm not ready for this.

she's been gone from me for a long time, it started when she was healthy. everything else around her was falling apart and she had to hold the center up. i wasn't a part of it, but i needed her too during that time, but felt undeserving. going through IVF is different from going through radiation. but to lose someone who is still here, someone that you still talk to everyday and see all the time, that's hard.

don't get me wrong, she's not at death's door. there is no white light that she's heading towards. the voices of the dead aren't calling out to her. if anything auntie jan is slipping st. peter a mickey and barring the gate herself. it's selfish and snotty and cruel, but i don't want to deal with MORE complications in my life.

i know i sound like a spoiled brat, and i am, i totally, totally am.i just want her to be at peace. i want her to have a day without drama or pain. i want her to come home again and see boo playing at her feet and tickling her. but i am so tired and frustrated i can't see past the end of my nose.

jcsg gets a gold star though. i called her tonight crying and she made me laugh and feel human and normal and better. and as i was losing it (finally) on the couch a moment ago, i really felt alone. like, no one could possibly understand what i'm dealing with and what a false, pathetic statement that is. because i'm not alone. i might feel alone and be alone, but i am not alone. not by a long shot.

i am at capacity with my parents and all of their bullshit. i wish that i was young enough to emancipate myself from them. aunt iowa is up and she was telilng me about some weird bullshit with my dad changing his plans and not telling her and over-explaining everything. and it's all because of the trip to the lawyers office a few weeks ago. he can't wrap his head around the concept that when two people buy something, and they both sign for it, and they both pay for it, that it's THEIRS, not HIS.

he still thinks i am a coniving sneak, and aunt iowa even more so. he called me greedy - this from the man who taught me by everything short of the belt - that you have to work for what you have. and while he has poured his life into working for what he has, he had someone there beside him THE ENTIRE TIME. but she isn't entitled to get what she wants, she has no business securing her last wishes. and for whatever reason, that's my fault.

so i'm a bad daughter. and And AND i was told YET again, that i need to bring boo over there more.

hell no

i am full of piss and venom from that place it's so fucking toxic and i'll be bend over a barrel if i include my daughter in any of it. sure it's all m&m's and kisses when she's there, but there is always some action or remark made that instantly makes me regret having come over.

aunt iowa is totally confussed, mom is sending mixed messages, dad doesn't like the hospice people, and has tightened his reigns even more around everything that he possibly can. namely me.

and i want to not see them or talk to them or deal with them for at least a week and that is impossible. i have these fleeting thoughts of gratitiude that boo will have no memory of the grandparents that she actually has now. she'll only remember the memories that i tell her.

i am exhausted even thinking about it. those old depression red flags are starting to pop up again. fear of sleeping, then sleeping too much, not eating, then eating too much, wanting to crawl into bed and never come out, waking up and crying.

i can't take it anymore. but fuck if aunt iowa didn't just call and tell me that mom really wants to see the baby and i should come over, today, as soon as possible.

i feel cleansed. like a weight has been placed and removed. like i can think clearly for the first time in months. it might be the two xanax i've taken today, or it might be the fact that truth is much better than fiction.

tig has come and gone. and it was outstanding seeing him again. i didn't want him to leave, but i definately didn't want him to stay. and now that he's on the road heading home we have nothing to talk about.

i felt like it was the first time that i had seen him as a grown-up (so to speak), and i was thrilled when he extended me the same courtesy. we didn't rehash much of the past, there is little point in that with us, it always leads to a fight. but it was nice to be with someone from your past who wants to know you now.

there were some weird moments, and it was hard to say good-bye because i know i'll probably never see him again.

but the best thing was, knowing, deep down in my bones, how right hubbin and i are for each other. that seems like a weird jump, and it's not about "oh thank GOD i didn't end up with that person", but more of not having to explain everything. to reference something in my own life now and have it make sense. tig always thinks i edit, and i don't edit, it's more of pulling the abstractions down from the ether of my mind and putting them into words, not worrying about what the right words are.

because sometimes when i am with hubbin and i'm trying to put words to my thoughts, he gets it anyway and he's dead on, so there isn't the need for me to say anything sometimes. and with tig, there is always this huge fear of misinterpretation.

truth is, he's going to think about this a lot more than i am. and i don't want that. but i also don't need one more thing to worry about, so i'm not.

boo finally caught her first icky-sicky virus gunk from daycare. last night in the mist of halloween craziness (baby zeno came over dressed as a bee), and lots of time in the purpleglitter dressy dress, i noticed that one of her eyes was red and watery. and i guess i'm that kind of mom where i don't instantly freak out.

but she woke up this morning and hubbin said she needed to go in, both eyes were red and puffy and gunky. and sure enough, pink eye.

so i called my SIL and told her to watch zeno, and i called they daycare and told them. my guess is, some little punk with have it too by the end of the week.

we got some drops and she's taking a nap, so things could be worse. it got me out of having to see my parents today, so i'm really greatful for that.