i'm not a huge fan of oreoes, but sometimes they just hit the spot. i thought that i would make an amends for missing class last week, by bringing in a treat. i picked up some oreoes at a gas station along with a big gulp. the tray had to pass around the room three times before there was even a visible dent made in the cookies.

all these older women looking to write their memiors, all on weigh watchers.

"each cookie is only half a point", i snarked. the preacher's ex-wife with the cat earrings, long skirt, woolen black stockings and felt clogs next to me said, "like you know who's counting points."
"i just assume everyone does," as sweet as i could.

the cat earrings really got me. they resembled the "hang in there" kitties from assorted wack-job posters and stuff. the earring it's self was the head of the cat and the post was the rest of the body. so it looked like the cat and clawed its way through her earlobe to poke its head out and dangle there. it was disturbing.

the long skirt, woolen stocking and felt clogs were a no brainer, if it had been summer she'd have been wearing a denim sleeveless dress with a white t-shirt underneath and keds. i'm simply going to refer to her as "the ex" since she is divorced from her preacher husband.

after class was over, there was still a sleeve of oreoes left in the tray and since vodo's class is just down the hall from mine, i meandered in there and offered him a cookie, knowing full well the vodo cannot turn down any type of free snack.

we walked out together discussing the oddities and merits of talking bears (see paul westerberg's soundtrack to open season). vodo thought the cgi talking bear was too much, while i vehemetly defended the honor of smoky and told vodo the reason why he wasn't dead from a forest fire was because of a talking bear.

he inadvertantly walked me to my car and stood around chatting for a bit. he had another cookie and we talked about our moms. his mom is sick too and it sounds pretty intense. we made a tentative plan to meet for drinks after class next week and i left feeling like he thought it was nice to see. but it could have been the oreoes.

--- topic change ---

my moms birthday was a complete bust. hubbin, boo, the neighbour lady and i were the only ones there other than my parents. my dad got a big cake and everything. there were all these expectations and pressure and it was terrible. apparently, my dad had been witholding some pain medication from my mom and hubbin told me about it later. she started sobbing the second i hugged her and talked about how scared she was that this was her last birthday. how she didn't feel well and was in pain.

i did what i could while i could, but then had to leave for class, and i was very clear about my plans from the get go. that's part of the reason i went over there on wednesday, i knew thursday was going to be a 'thing'. but she was so sad and looked like she was in pain and i hated leaving her.

i am also incredibly pissed off that no one else in my family was there. my brother, the one with cancer, is in CA getting more drugs for the trial that he's on, but slooty and the kids didn't show because bubba had a soccer game. they could have come early or late, but they didn't. my stoner cousin and her hubba didn't come either because lexi had gymnastics. and they could have stopped by either earlier or later and didn't.

then she calls me this morning and asks me if going to AZ is a good idea. and i started to weep. "no mom, it's not." she's gone down hill in the last six weeks physically, so it's likely that she'll continue to decline over the next six weeks as well. it's a scary thought, but totally realistic.

now, i have to prepare myself to go over there this evening and talk to my dad about the medication situation. how he absolutely cannot hold back pills from her. he can't tamper with her medication or the timing of it. when she needs it, she needs it. it's not about him.

that's going to be hard. but i am forgetting my earlier plan to treat them like children. i'll just speak softly and sweetly and say please and thank you. think it will work?

today is my mom's birthday. it's her last and i can't for the life of my wrap my head around that. i was over there last night making dinner and generally hanging out. my mom said that boo and i could move in and she'd kick my dad out. i said, do you realy want me to move back home. no, she said, just her, and pointed to the baby.

boo was pretty hilarious last night. my dad, "papa" was kneeling by her highchair and she was feeding him bits of macaroni and corn. then she psyched him out and went to give him some macaroni but popped it into her own mouth instead. since my dad is blind, this is even funnier. she's tricking you papa, she's prentending to give you a bite and then she puts it into her own mouth. papa laughed. she did it three more times and got my mom laughing outloud which hasn't happened in about a month. she made this little noise too that let you know she was tricking, a little "ahhh" that went up at the end and then she's giggle. it was amazing.

the downer of the evening was talking about hospice care. it's going to happen within two weeks and i'm not ready for that. the problem is, is that my mom doesn't want to die - but there is no way out of the pain. she wants to live differently and she can't. she can't tolerate the pain she's in, it's making her more sick. there are hardly ever any pain free moments in her life. her left leg and foot are one big charliehorse. i rubber her foot last night until my hands hurt and i couldn't get it to relax.

it makes my stomach hurt in a way that makes me think my soul lives there. it's like bone-peeling fear and sadness and it lives inside of me, but it's not coming out or going anywhere or doing anything yet. just this pulse of inevetability, and it carries me through each day.

this is not my life, i tell myself. oh but it is. and there are moments so wonderful i stop breathing, but it's not balancing out the rest of the stuff.

man, thank god i go see my shrink today...sheesh!

i have a deep need to be a better person. this lack of motivation is bordering on mono or epstein-barr. but i don't care.

something truly,deeply is wrong with me. i am not normal. i have no emotion, just lethargy.

i am starting to put things off, cancel appointments, make excuses, etc. not a good sign. i just never thought that i could be so crippled by so many extranious things. it's like i don't even have me own life. i am just passing through waiting to react to what everyone else does.

boo doesn't like me anymore. she prefers her dad. he comes home and i no longer exist. it's horrible, how vulnerable you are when you have children. i wasn't especting that.

little zeno has been in the hospital since wednesday. he's not eating well and his billiruben is high. but sister-in-law just called and he's coming home today.

more importantly though, boo isn't feeling well. she woke up with a temp and while hubbin and i were out last night, auntie sharon said that she had the feeling boo had a tummyache or something. she went to bed early, woke up screaming an hour later, took more bottle, and then was out until like seven this morning. boo took an early nap and i haven't been able to put her down since. she's just been very snuggly and needy. and i totally don't mind, it's the best part of being a mom i think. but other than tylenol, there isn't much i can do for her. teeth need to come in.

to top it off, i'm supposed to spend the night at my mom's since my dad is out of town. my aunt from iowa is coming up tomorrow, but she was supposed to come tonight. i was planning on staying as late as i needed to, but now i'm there overnight and half of saturday.

i just want to take care of boo. that's all i want to do. but now my hand is forced. and that makes for a hard day.

it's coincidence that boo has a fever today, it's no ones fault that my aunt can't come up sooner, my dad has a choice about when he does things and he made that choice. i however just deal with the consequences.

i just want to be here for boo. with zeno in the hospital i'm feeling very motherly. i couldn't imagine giving birth, coming home and then having to go back to the hospital the next day because there is something wrong with baby. i couldn't imagine. but sometimes we find strength where we thought we had none.

i hope i don't have to look too hard to find it today.

whoever thought of these AMV's is a genuis, maybe not a supergenius, but a genuis nonetheless.

i had the oppertunity to see mitch hedberg at the acme a few years ago, and he was at the top of his game.

sadly, he died last year in what looks like an overdose. too bad, he will be missed.

introducing my new nephew. i'm calling him zeno. he has lots of dark hair and is the cutest little love bug to come along since boo.
i told sister-in-law that he was my new boyfriend. she's cool with that.

welcome, welcome little prince.

two bits of news:

i picked up the cutest little lost dog yesterday when we all went for a bikeride to the park last night. as hubbin and i were riding across the street i saw two little girls looking past us at something. when i turned to look, there was this little golden fluff ball. no tags, no collar. i scooped him up and started knocking on doors while hubbin and boo went ahead. no one recognized him, so i put him in my bike basket and took him home. he rode the basket like a pro, so i've been calling him "rider" (a send up to chris robinson, since he must be heart broken after kate dumped him. i can cure whot ails ye baby!)

secondly, young master O was born last night. hubbin's sister gave birth either shortly before or shortly after midnight - we don't know for sure. all i was told was that my nephew had been born about 10 minutes ago, and i called at about quarter after twelve, so i don't know. but he was over eight pounds. i can't wait to meet him.

other than that, it's a great day, cool and overcast - perfect for the middle of september.

writing class started last night and i loved it! creative non-fiction, which i think will be a better match for me than short story - which i never could get.

one of the writing prompts was "a sound from home". so here it is.

my dad has this saying "if you going to hoot with the owls kid, you better be able to fly with the eagles." which is just a lot of words for "don't stay out late and then expect to sleep in, not in this house."

during one of my many breaks from college i lived at home and worked as a cocktail waitress at one of the hotel bars not to far from the house. this lead to all sorts of late nights. working til two, drinking until four, then to perkins for breakfast to be home between five or six.

i always figured that if i made it home before the strib was delievered, i was doin' alright. this wasn't always the case though. there were many times when i'd crawl into bed and it was getting light out. and i'd think - ahh sleep!

but just as i would wind down and relax and drift off my dad would come down the hall to my room. his cane clicking on either side of the hallway walls. and i would just dread him coming into my room and telling me to get up and do some insipid chore.

i have fuzzy memories of checking battery chargers, and reading receipts from menards.

but that sound of his white cane tapping the walls just sent a chill down my spine. all i wanted to do was party with the night owls, and my dad was convinced he'd turn me into a eagle.

hopefully hubbin will not notice the small salt stain droplets on the hardwood floor in front of the computer. but they are there. i hung my head and cried, cried, cried today. choking sobs that left my throat sore for a few minutes when i was done.

and for the life of me i couldn't tell you why.

a girl has a right to feel blue i guess.

i suppose i just got overwhelmed. i called slooty sloot to ask about taking KK and bubba to the ren fest and to talk to them to see how school was going. but no, i got her, and it was all the mundane shit that sistersinlaw talk about i guess. soccer practice and viking games and their trip to baltimore for a wedding. how cute bubba looked in his tux.

and i'm thinking - you fucking liar! you two-faced liar! how can you tell me that you are making dinner a little early when you embezzeled over $175K from your bank? how can you talk about such things when you are probably going to jail?

then i switched gears and called my mum to tell her what a bad day i was having and get a little sympathy. and that made matters worse. her speech is getting so bad that i couldn't understand her. and that just made things worse. i called to talk to my mom and my mom physically can't talk. i mean she can, but her speech is so bad that i couldn't understand her. her brain works twice as fast as her mouth and it call comes out jumbled. and she won't slow down, she won't take her time and get each word out and that's frustrating for me.

so i cut the coversation short and then had the crying jag. she called back and said she could have one of the neighbour ladies bring her over - but what good will that do? i told her i felt much better after a little cry and that i had to run and get boo from school.

i told her that i'd be fine and that i'd call her later.

i'm a fucking liar. i'm a two-faced liar.
i'm not fine.
not at all.

i am thrilled to have found bookmooch, i really, really am. really. it's a wonderful site. and i'm so glad to be a part of it. and titletrader isn't bad either. for some reason i've inherited a lot of bad dvd's and i want them to go to good homes.

now these two sites work on a points system, you get points by sending stuff out and you can use points by swapping or mooching what you want. and the trouble is, is that there isn't anything that i want. so i have all the points just sitting and waiting, and for the life of me i can't think of a thing that i want.

so any book or dvd suggestions would be appreciated.

holy crap, it's cold enough outside to make me want to go into a coma. it was gorgeous at the cabin this weekend, we were in short sleeves on saturday, and then we come back and the house is like 62 degrees. so i bundled boo in her flannel jammies and kicked on the heat. you aren't supposed to be this cold in september. it's not supposed to change overnight. but bang! fall is here.

oh well, i'm not in a great mood anyway, so it's a perfect time to go over to my parents. boo has a bit of a runny nose and she feels warm. i'd hate to take her over there and have it be something contagious, but i think it's just daycare germs and a side effect from teething.

i start my creative non-fiction writing class this week. i just thought about it now and got really excited. i'm not sure what to expect. i mean, i know that i am not a short story writer. and jcsg screams at me when i tell her that i am more of a storyteller than writer. but it's the truth.

and
and
and
it will give me an opp to spy on the vodo. now, i don't really love and crush on the vodo as much as people think i do. he's a dud. a dud with really nice bone structure and hair, but he's still a dud. he's total eye candy though and that i like.

also, green is bartending on wednesday night, and i totally want to go and hang out. can i talk hubbin into babysitting two nights in a row? we'll see....

i am leaving my family behind this weekend and heading up to the cabin with hubbin, boo, CK and his wife. i'm positive that we are going to have a great time and i so, so, so, appreciate CK coming up to help with lumberjacking.

anything i can do to help someone buy a new chainsaw i am all over.

the toxic dust has settled a little bit after the embezzlement explosion. i can't worry about it now. what was it scarlet o'hara said - i'll worry about it tomorrow, tomorrow is another day. too bad that tomorrow i'll wake up in the lush green woods and will REFUSE to think about my family.

oh and hey, i totally just outted myself to CK. i'm such a fucking idiot. i'm cuddleing my bobafet pez dispenser for comfort.

just an FYI - MDC now has over 100 posts. everyone makes a big deal about the 100th episode of sitcoms and shit, so give me a big "fuck yeah".

yesterday was a hard day, not only am i fighting off an end of summer cold - brought on, i've no doubt, by spending most of the state fair in the rain. but apparently i am not spending enough time over at my parents house with boo. i talked to my dad yesterday afternoon and it was horrible.

during my youth, my mother always had a way of pinning the responsibility of her happiness on me. if i did this or that, she'd be so disappointed. what if some of her friends saw me? how embarassed she'd be. doing things in my own way was always very hurtful to her, so she said. i was acussed of doing things just to spite her, when that was never the case.

now, because she is sick, and because we waited so long for boo, i was told that i am not over there enough with her. first of all, my daughter is not a tool. she cannot be the reason my mom does things. my mom has to find her own will to live. which she has been struggling with. but now, i am getting drawn into this. boo is good medicine, i believe that with all my heart. and i am really trying to be a good mother and daughter and i'm failing at both as far as they are concerned.

my parents think it's terrible than hubbin and i decided to put her in daycare two days a week. i'm home during the day, what possible reason could we have to put her into daycare? she's too young for school, etc. etc. etc. then my mom gets teary eyed because she originally planned to take care of my children a few days a week anyway. and now she can't and that's sad, it breaks my heart. i hate it.

but i have to accept the fact that things change, and people get sick. life continues forward now matter what we do, so why fight it? but apparently, this kind of attitude makes me appear uncaring or even angry, and that is so not the case.

so after the guilt trip my dad laid on me (and it was a pretty good one for a non-catholic) i decided that in my miserable state - what with the cold and all - i'd bring boo over there for an hour or so.
and they loved it and boo loved it and it made me feel better doing it, but i hate the fact that my hand was forced a bit.

and after a few minutes of grandparent/baby love, my dad says he needs to talk to me about my sister-in-law, the one married to my brother with cancer - i'll call her slooty sloot. ok, i say and mentally brace myself.

slooty sloot lost her job a few weeks ago - she was VP at a bank. her getting fired i guess is under investigation - paperwork doesn't match up or there was a foreclosure of a mortgage - whatever. seems suspicious.

on labor day, the president of the bank shows up at my brothers house with documents for a personal loan slooty took out at the bank. a loan for over $175K - and she forged my brothers signature, AND put up their cabin as collatoral. this was news to my brother and slooty doesn't know that the president of the bank was at her house confronting my brother with all of this.

can you fucking believe it?

no one knows why she did it, no one knows where the money is, it's a big federal crime mystery. and hey guess what? my niece and nephew are living their lives over there in that enviroment. walking dead father, criminal mother?

i had to tether myself to the steel beam keeping my house up not to go over there and grab those two chillen and bring them back here. give them some stability and a somewhat normal life.

and i have no idea what is going to happen with all of it. who knows? but i have this feeling that my family has become a toxic black hole and they are trying to suck me into the pain and misery. and i'm not having it. i will cut all of them off in a heart beat to save my daughter from it.

i have never been so ashamed to be a part of my family before. fucking drug addicts and cancer and now crimials. who knew that shitbagfuckface (the other brother) would be the normal one? if you count a gun-loving diabetic prision guard, the normal one.

no wonder i have a complex about saving everyone. if you were swimming in my family pool you'd be the lifeguard too.

over at jcsg's site she's talking about songs that she can't listen to without completely coming undone. one of thme being "i'm the one who wants to be with you", by mr. big.

now while there are many song that i associate with past boyfriends. this one by mr. big is a favorite.

summer of 1990-91 maybe? i dated (we were actually fuck buddies, but this term wasn't known to me then) a musician, a drummer. i called him cord, but my girlfriends and roomies called him "the piglet". he was shorter than i was and had long, beautiful, well kept brown hair. he had nice roomies too. and i'd always go over there, he'd never come to my place. this is how the "buh-buh bag" started.

the "buh-buh bag" was a packed bag i kept in the car at all times, since i never knew where or when i'd be spending the night somewhere else.

my time with cord also introduced the "hair timeout". since we both had long hair that would get in the way of our young, mad passion, we'd have to stop and redo our ponytails. the hair timeout stayed with my for years and if you've ever made out with me for a long period of time you know what kind of pain in the ass long hair can be.

cord had this wonderful clock raido with a really cool, soft glowing night light on it. and we kept that on when we doing our thing. one night, that song, "i'm the one who wants to be with you" came on. and cord stopped and started singing to me. then we started making shadow puppets on the wall and ceiling with our hands. our puppets would sing the song back and forth and it was wildly romantic.

i really cared about cord. i was crazy about him. but i scared him. i'm a good girl, one you can take home to mom and have her love. i'm smart and independent, and that has sent more than one man in my life screaming for the hills. i actually got dumped once for having a college degree.

cord was really special to me. and after we broke it off, he admitted that i scared him, he wasn't ready for me. fair enough. but i will always, always, always remember the sweet moments of that song and the shadow puppets. it's the kind of thing that belongs in the movies.

there is a serious problem in this country. fucking katie couric and the crocidile guy? COME ON! i can't tell you how much i don't care. sure the crocidile guy is sad, and i am sorry for his family. but the guy michael jacksoned his own kid in front of a alligator. i mean, something was bound to happen sooner or later. not that i'm saying he deserved it. but come on. it's like that guy with the grizzly bears.

and katie couric - i mean, do we really love her that much? is the world really a better place because of her? granted, bout fucking time they had a woman as head anchor, but i think they are sugar-coating it a bit too much. i mean, more people get their news from jon stewart than katie couric, i have no doubt. so how does this make it better?

i dunno, softer side of sears i guess.

i knew there had to be a reason i was feeling so blue. there is something so final about going to the state fair. it really means that summer is over and everyone is trying to squeeze in one last fun memory. this year, the state fair sucked. i think we were there less than three hours. it started to rain and that's not good for boo. so we packed it into the park-n-ride and headed home.

the thing i was pondering lately was the crickets. no one can pinpoint when they start, no one can confirm when they leave, but they are here now, a presence heard, but rarely seen. i remember the bit from Charolette's Web - the song of the crickets, summer is over and gone, over and gone, over and gone, summer is gone.

baseball is just heating up and at the same time, i'm trying to push off some viking tickets. it seems unholy that the two over lap. at target the other day, the school supply displays are being taken down. there was a sign that read "halloween stuff soon". it made my heart swell.

we are heading up to the cabin next weekend with CK and his wife. she was asking about the colours. there are freshly laundered sunsuits of boo's. it's hardly worth putting them back in her drawer.

although my summer was...what's the word?...ulcerated? i did have some wonderful memories. uncle tom and chrissy coming with the kids, spending time with KK and bubba. and of course all of the generosity extended to us from uncle bob what with the mansion on lake minnetonka and jet skiing. big mabel, i hardly knew ye.

now i have to start shopping for more cool weather clothes. and i start a writing class in two weeks. the earth will change and it will bring new sights and smells that always make me feel loved. fall is my favorite time of year, so i'm never really sad to see summer go.

i'd rather be cold than hot, i prefer shade to sun, pimms and ginger crosses the line into fall so easily. i have some nice malbec on the rack that i've been saving for the perfect october day.

and of course, my favorite things about fall. long walks with my family, raking leaves, decorating for halloween, and secret thoughts about PT. but this isn't news.

welcome fall, my door is open, at least til it snows.

i nicked this from jcsg, you can try it out at concert ticket generator. you can get magnets and mugs and stuff too.