almost every year on my birthday, my mom tells the story about how she made tuna salad on the night that she went to the hospital. how there were storms and tornadoes. how she had to drive herself to the hospital at around 10:00 PM and that i was born at ten to one in the morning.

this story is part of my life, it's part of my special day and i never get tired of hearing about it. every year i ask for my mom to tell my about the night that i was born. i always hope for some new detail, some new insight, but after thirty-something years, there is nothing new, no new comments, and for my mother, the story is becoming harder to tell.

so tonight i took my place amoung the goddess mothers and told my sleepy little boo about what we were doing one year ago tonight.

i told her about how we woke up early, went for bagels and daddy and i split a mango ice tea. how daddy took my picture in the parking lot before we went into the hospital. how we waited and waited and waited for her to come. how mommy ate gross hospital hamburger hotdish, pop-tarts and chewed ice, and daddy slept on a bench.

but she had other plans, she wasn't ready until she was ready. granted, mommy's body wasn't cooperating, so again we needed lots of help. at one point, daddy asked if there was anything else that they could do, and the nurse said no. the next step would be a c-section. but then things started happening and from then on it was smooth sailing. we ended up with the perfect baby, an answer to our prayers, the life that we had waited for all our lives.

and as i buried my face in her lavender scented hair tonight, i realized that i would not miss my mother telling me the story of my birthday. i had my own story to tell.

...in case you were lying awake at night wondering what's on my itunes.

“The world was on fire, and no one could save me but you.” - "wicked games" by chris isaak (you're kicking yourself, right?)

“My height, just average. My weight, just average. And my IQ is like you’d estimate, just average.” - "it amazes me" sung by blossom dearie (yes that's her real name)

“Waiting here, I’ll prepare, I’ll try my best not to be scared.” - "my darling curse" by magnet

“Mother told me, yes she told me, I’d meet girls like you." - "surrender" by cheap trick - JCSG.

"I...I wish you could swim. Like the dolphins, like dolphins can swim.” - "heroes" by david bowie - the lovable wapa

“Ahh, now I don’t hardly know her. But I think I could love her.” "crimson and clover" by tommy james and the shondells - rgjabs

“Times are hard, you’re afraid to pay the fee. So you find yourself somebody who can the job for free.” - "dirty work" by steely dan

“Remember when we hung in the low places in 1979? We used to think that it mattered to the man with money where we spent our time.” - "little ramona (gone hillbilly nuts) by BR549 (which was the phone number for Hee Haw).

“I’m in the phone booth, it’s the one across the hall. If you don’t answer I’ll just ring it off the wall.” - "hanging on the telephone" by blondie

“I sleep too late, and work too slow. I ask too much, everytime.” - "the recluse" by magnet

'nuff said.

did you miss me? i bet you did.

admit it, it was cold and dark and lonely and sad without me. your life wasn't exactly right for the last couple of days, was it? i know, i know...i have the tendency to take off and not tell you where i'm going. you've been hurt by me before, i get it.

however, with all the general craziness going on, i forgot to pay the bills and you know what happens when that happens (?). so now, i'm back!

three cheers for me!

so what happened while i was gone? not much, more sleeplessness than you can shake a stick at. i am slowly giving myself over to my dark, alther ego - The Hostess. this bitch can plan a party a mile away. last weekends baby shower was a huge success (although the guest of honor has yet to call me and thank me for my efforts).

and boo's one year old birthday party is coming up on sunday. i am coordinating the theme and decorations around the colours presented in her invitations; which i hand made. The Hostess has a little martha stewert in her - did i mention that? baloons, cake, plates, napkins all match the colour scheme of the invitations. i feel like i have crossed over to the dark side.

after her b-day party, hubbin and i host "National Night Out" on our block, because all of our neighbours are lazy and want it done, but want someone else to do it.

so the drama continues.

so i had this crazy dream last night of watching some cat conduct an orchestra behind glass - soundproof glass. i could see the dude and all the instruments and people, but i couldn't hear a thing.

anyhoot, the conductor was very into the music until he saw me. then he gave me a look, one that made me blush - and those of you who know me, know that there is really only one man who can make me blush. i don't blush often, i can't. i'm just not that easily flattered or offended.

apparently though, it's easy enough to do in my dreams. because i remember thinking, "i'm blushing. everyone is going to see it!" but it took my breath away. and i'm so greatful for that. it's been a long time since something little and special happened to me. just for me. that probably sounds both pathetic and selfish and i don't mean it to be.

it just felt really good to be wanted. to know that you are wanted with a look. just a look.

deep down every woman wants...to be not objectified, that's not the word i want, but desired maybe on a very base level. there is hardly a woman alive that wouldn't be thrilled at knowing she is desireable to someone other than her mate. i'm sure men are the same way, but it's such a cock thing with them.

i will wholly admit that for me, it's an esteem issue. espeically now. but still. it's nice to know that someone out there wants me, just plain out wants me. even if it's only someone in my dreams.

thanks maestro.

long last couple of days. last thursday i was down at the mayo with my parents getting news about my mom. the good news was that she is being seen by two of the top automonic disease expects in the world. one of which was tall and cute and german - kinda like the guy i married. the other was a terrific little gent from fiji.

the bad news is, my mom has basically given up on herself. that's why she's not eating and drinking. she doesn't want to go through all that this disease has to offer. in a way i don't blame her. there is little more than chronic pain and more loss of body function ahead of her, as far as this disease is concerned.

but there is also the entire world.

she doesn't see it that way.

she sees what is ahead of her in a very bleak and realistic way. and she doesn't want it. my mom has always had enough fight in her for anyone and everyone that crossed her path. however, i am learning that she has none for herself. she has lived her life for everyone but her. she absolutely doesn't know how to live for herself. and that's not her fault. we can't change who our core selves are. and she has never taken anything for herself, she has only given to others. sometimes our greatest strengths are our most vunerable weaknesses.

i feel myself detaching from my parents. not in the "screw you" way of my early twenties. but more in a self preservation way - like i said we can't change our core selves. with all my heart i do not want to see my mom go through this. the end of her life should be more dignified and majestic. however, i cannot help her if she refuses to help herself. getting her to drink the smallest glass of water - i'd have a better chance of changing the mind of a born again christian. it's like pulling teeth to make her eat.

she simply doesn't want to go on this way. and like i said, in a way i can understand that. it takes a lot of strength and courage to find a way to face a hopeless situation. but she has nothing to lose. however, she can't bring herself to try to go on.

boo's birthday party is coming up, her first birthday, and try as she might my mom is not taking that for what it is. she takes it to her negative place - this is the only birthday of boo's she'll see. she doesn't want a lot of people coming over and seeing her the way she is now, so she's going to hide in her room.

which is fine. the party that we are having is for everyone else to share in boo's first year of life. it's not for us. hubbin has taken her actual birthday off and we'll celebrate as a family. just the three of us.

but i digress....

when i got them back home on thursday evening, i got my mom out of the car and into her wheelchair. a huge wasp landed on her back, then on me, then it flew to my hand and stung me, naturally. then it flew to my mom's hand and stung her. at least it has good taste.

strangely, it seemed the most fitting ending to a crappy, hard day.

p.s. one of the songs is "my darling curse" by magnet. i wouldn't expect anyone to know that though. consider it a freebie.

“The world was on fire, and no one could save me but you.” -

“My height, just average. My weight, just average. And my IQ is like you’d estimate, just average.” -

“Waiting here, I’ll prepare, I’ll try my best not to be scared.”

“Mother told me, yes she told me, I’d meet girls like you." - "surrender" by cheap trick - JCSG.

"I...I wish you could swim. Like the dolphins, like dolphins can swim.” - "heroes" by david bowie - the lovable wapa

“Ahh, now I don’t hardly know her. But I think I could love her.” "crimson and clover" by tommy james and the shondells - rgjabs

“Times are hard, you’re afraid to pay the fee. So you find yourself somebody who can the job for free.”

“Remember when we hung in the low places in 1979? We used to think that it mattered to the man with money where we spent our time.”

“I’m in the phone booth, it’s the one across the hall. If you don’t answer I’ll just ring it off the wall.”

“I sleep too late, and work too slow. I ask too much, everytime.”

- the title of my upcoming (snort, yeah riiiight) memior will be "don't freak out for me" and the dedication will read: to marcie, who has heard all of this shit before.

- a nice lunch of dr. pepper and gardettos (i told ya the slim fast thing wasn't going to work, although i did have one for breakfast).

- a conversation with my aunt kelle that ended the same way most of my conversations with my mom ended - both of us saying "i love you" at the same time. it made me cry a little.

- an update on sheldon and claude who, as hubbin so aptly puts it, "are total duds".

- a nostalgic taste of summer, as the leggy 14 year old who babysat for me this morning told me all about how she was going to go swimming and jump on the trampoline with the boy next door.

- a weird online chat with a spades partner in egypt. not kinky weird, but english as second language weird.

- more joy from a $4 airbrush tatoo than is clearly allowed.

- snuggles and cuddles from a sad boo and the silky green blanket.

in a weird twist of events my brother (the one with cancer) and his family stopped over for a visit yesterday. in his backhanded manipulative kind of way he invited himself over saying that "i haven't seen your house in like 10 years, and wife was complaining that you never have US over, you just come over here." which is simply not true. first, his wife, who i like more than i like him sometimes, would never say that. that was a total lie on his part to make her look bad. secondly, our house is about half the size of their place and we don't have all the big kid stuff.

probably sounds weird, but we don't have a TV in our living room, we recently gutted our basement to stage a huge remodel, and there are only two battery powered video games here - one of which is Family Fued, which hubbin and i bought to keep us intertained during a three day power outage.

boo has a great time playing with her stuff here, but to an 11 and a 7 year old, it's "baby stuff". so hubbin took them down to the garden to pick beans and peas and beets and they hated it.

so they stayed for an hour and then packed it up to roll to the Mall of America. we decided to come with. which wasn't a bad idea - it was hot as hell yesterday and walking your ass off in air conditioning at least makes you feel like you did something. but there was a lot of tension going on with my brother and his family. a lot.

i got about 10 seconds alone with my sister-in-law and all she told me was that "he keeps telling me to just get the fuck out. why don't you just fucking leave, he says. i need to talk to a lawyer." the kids can always come stay with us - for as long as you need, i said. i am home during the day, we'll make it work. it was all i could think to say.

i also got some time with kk and bubba, and all i did was hug them and say "i know things are hard right now, but me and uncle are always here for you, we'd do anything to help you, and we love you both a lot." it was all i could think to say.

we finally parted ways around 5:00 PM. hubbin and boo and i headed back towards the car and passed an airbrush tatoo stand. i love these things. i had a henna tatoo down in mexico once and i was $50 shy of getting a permenant tatoo. the airbrush one is of a similar design that i have been wanting for years. it's on the top on my right foot and everytime i look down i feel cool.

i feel like it was $4 well spent. it makes me happy, and i'm wondering now if it was there all the time would i still love it? will i be sad when it starts to fade and wash off? can i get a tatoo and not have my mom find out?

also, hubbin dropped about $60 on some hermit crabs and the cage and stuff. i named one of them sheldon. which we both agreed was the absolute perfect name for a crab. hubbin tentatively named the other one claude (like clawed, get it?). but he isn't too sure. and last night claude moved out of his kokopeli painted shell into a larger one. can't really blame him for that. but i think claude is a dumb name for a crab.

doesn't matter though, since hubbin took the crabworks to work with him this morning. he said he needed something to liven up his office. i think sheldon and company are the ticket. sometimes, it's the little things.

but you can't take the sugar away from the girl.

i had this great idea yesterday at sam's club. i'd buy a case of slim fast and have it from breakfast and lunch. but you can't start a new diet on a friday right? i mean the weekend is coming and you never know when you'll be sitting in the dark eating nachos.

so instead of doing the slim fast thang, i opted to devour a few powdered sugar donuts left over from our trip to the cabin for breakfast today. they were deelicious.

and i'm not going to feel the least bit guilty. it's friday and you CAN'T start a new diet on a friday. plus, there is a heat wave going on here. the devil made me do it. there was a tornado.

and i've been a sourpuss lately, so any little bit of sweet will help, right?

it has been an exhausting 10 days. what with the uncle coming in at 3:00 AM and heading up to the cabin, having it out with my parents, driving home, and taking care of boo the whole time.

i was privately waxing on the differences of not sleeping and can't sleeping. to say that you can't sleep means that you want to, but for whatever reason can't. not sleeping implies that you still have stuff to do and aren't ready to sleep.

i find myself stuffed between the two.

there is a certian danger in not caring about things. i have always felt that the second you find yourself in a situation where you honestly don't care of the outcome, you are in trouble. there is a difference in not having an opinion and not caring. and i fear that i have stopped caring.

my uncle and his family play a game at the end of the day when they all come together on the couch to watch tons of TV. they call it highs and lows. the point being that everyday you tell you high point and your low point. and while i do have fleeting moments of highs - johnny depp, boo tickling her own toes saying her version of "tickle tickle tickle". i think the lows are winning out.

i am desperately trying to maintain some semse of optimism here, but where do you look for hope in hopeless situations? i can't put that responsibility on the two and half foot munchkin stumbling around my living room, that's not fair.

so last night i felt myself slip into a cocoon of numbness in order to preserve whatever strength i have for when i really need it. i still give every ounce of happiness i have to boo, but the rest slips into a pool of grey. i fear i will never be the girl i was, but maybe that's ok.

could it be our sad, little kitty is growing up? god i hope not.

i was going on less than eight hours of sleep this weekend. and i drove over 500 miles. to and from the cabin in 24 hours is not recommended unless you've had at least 40 winks. however, i am back home now, groggy, and with a stomach ache.

after munching down two xanax though i was about to drift off last night before midnight. and for that i am truly greatful. i have not been to keen on remembering my dreams though. i think this is because i am too wrapped up in the conscience world to fully surrender myself to the subconscience or unconscience. which is a pity.

i did however have a bit of a break last night, as i awoke this morning i remembered a bit of a dream that i was having involving the high school love of my live - not PT - and an Aerosmith concert. contrary to popular belief, i did actually love a boy in high school. and like all true high school loves we never liked each other at the same time, so we never actually dated offically. we were just really good friends. this was the one with the mickey mouse watch. which i still have and cherish. i can't pass by a certian sign in minnetonka without thinking about going to his house.

and, unfortunately, he's having a bit of a rough time. our parents still know each other, so i get bits and pieces trhough the parental grape vine. and yet again, after more than 15 years, i find my heart going out to him.

the dream i had last night - what i remember that is - is him with longer hair and wearing a cool leather jacket, not a biker one, but like a sleek leather one, and not black, but a rusty brown.

and for whatever reason we were going to an Aerosmith concert. which is weird because i'd never go to an Aerosmith concert. but i had the tickets and we were standing by a railing. we were going to kiss and remember more the smell of his leather jacket and a soapy, freshly showered smell as i leaned into him. and before we kissed, i remembered all of our other high school kisses (because there were a few). and before we actually kissed in the dream i woke up.

which is tragic, becausee i would really like one, good kiss.

i had a short visit with my stoner cousin yesterday. she had bubba and kk overnight and i guess my brother - the one with cancer - was acting crazy with her too. oddly, i feel better. it's not just me who wants a somewhat normal family.

she was really confused by his actions and phone calls and general nastiness. at one point i guess he blamed my cousin for his wanting a divorce. how weird is that.

she and i talked a little bit and i told her what was going on with the children. i think she felt bad for being so wrapped up in her own life and painting her house and stuff, but life has to go on.

she is all in favor of the mexico plan - when all is said and done we vacation down in mexico. the kids would love it and there would be enough adults so that everyone would get some time for themselves.

i don't know about my brother though. i think he's really lost it and i can't blame him because i have no idea how i would deal with emminent death, but i have a hard time thinking i would be so manipulative. i hope he finds peace soon, and that's not a death wish, i just hope he doesn't spend his last bit of time trying to hurt people who love him.

on the bright side of the road, i got a facial yesterday. and it's nice to hear (from a professional) that all the stress hasn't actually caused me to go ugly like i think it has. apparently i still have the skin of a 20-something. ha ha! that made me feel a little pretty.

as i was washing out bottles and coming to terms with feeling orphaned, even though both parents are still here, i realized that what you are reading on this site is mostly negative. true, i am full of piss and vinegar, but only about certian things. namely, at this moment, my parents and family. not my own family, but my "family of origin".

and it's not all bad. so i was thinking of some really good things to prove to myself that things aren't so bleak. here is a list of things that kinda make me smile.

- boo toot toot tooting on her whistle and shaking her moneymaker

- homemade blueberry pancakes made with roadsite blueberry's bought on hwy 65 from some very groovy farm chicks who liked my hair.

- simondelivers.com bringing alcohol to my front door

- the northern lights. at the cabin on sunday night i kept seeing these flashes of light outside that i was chalking up to distant fireworks. not so. auroa borealus shine on me.

- the big, chubby, bumblebees that constantly hover and feed off the sage out my front window. i hope the honey is good friends.

- johnny depp in 'priates of the carribean'

- thinking that someday, this will all be over and i'll have a tatoo.

i hope you know that i did the little debbie reynolds dance from 'will and grace' as i typed the title - proving once and for all that i really am a dancer at heart.

so hubbin and i schlepped 'the children' up to the cabin. it only took and extra hour or so for the trip, which was more due to the craptastic traffic around mille lacs than anything to do with my parents.

once we got settled in, boo had a terrific time making laps around the cabin in her new walking mode. which was fun to see. however, my earlier assesments about the cabin not being toddler friendly were true. add on top of that, the fact that it's not at all wheelchair friendly. so everything took twice as long as normal. to cap it all off, my dad was a total brick wall when it came to changing anything.

sunday was spent trying to get mom's catheter to drain properly. last week, before my dad when to canada, she suffered through the frist 24 hours of a bladder infection not saying anything - which is totally her own fault. she didn't want to worry my dad or make him feel like he couldn't go to canada, so she didn't say anything until after he left. this caused an early morning trip with my aunt from iowa to urgent care where they unblocked the catheter and confirmed the infection. this sunday morning she woke up with the same feeling and the cath wasn't draining. she left all the stuff to unplug it at home, so after an hour of pushing fluids with little to no 'output' as they call it; we got mom into the car and i took her to the deer river hospital.

this was less of an adventure than it sounds. upon our arrival at the hospital they unhooked a little thing (the technical term for it) and started to drain the cath into a bed pan. the nurse said things were working fine. which couldn't have been the case since the bag was almost empty when we got there, but after the nurse was fucking with it, it started to fill at an alarming rate. i told i was pushing fluids right?

she gave us some things (again, the technical term) to help with a blockage in the cath, should that happen and sent us on our way. it took longer for me to get dressed that morning, than our actual visit to the hospital. which really kinda pissed me off.

once the cath started working again, my mom felt better - which is good. we left the next day, but not before feeling like i should either stay, take them back with me, or throttle them both. just proves my point that if something does happen, and it probably will, they are an hour away from the nearest medical facility. although, when they actually get there, they'll have great service. however, neither of them can drive, so it's a moot point.

now my aunt from iowa is calling and my uncle from airzona is coming in on friday. they want to know what the deal is. the blanket statement for what the deal is, is that both of my parents are crazy. i have serious doubts about both of their abilities to deal with the present situation. and they are at the fucking cabin.

it's moved from annoying and frustrating to surreal.

told ya so.