again, no sleep last night, not really. i came down to fuck around a little bit around 2:00 AM and then crawled into the sack around 3:30. hubbin went to a pointless meeting at 9:00, so i did get to hang out with boo for a bit. then when she went down for her nap, i did the same.

we still have our AC on from the recent 24 hour heat wave and i can't tell you how nice it is to sleep in a cool, sunny room. it was like the perfect sip of gin and tonic - crisp and lovely.

however, i awoke to the phone ringing. it was bonnee - one of my parents' helpers.

"i can't get ahold of anyone at the house. they aren't answering and i don't know what time they want me over there."

and this wave of benign panic washes over me - like here-we-go-again-but-could-something-be-seriously-wrong? and then i decide that, no if something seriously wrong happened i'd feel it. my dad must be helping my mom shower or something.

but i couldn't get ahold of them either - so bonnee (who lives a few doors down) went over. then my mom called and sai that everything was fine, that my dad had the phone off.

rule number five - no more phones off the hook at my parent's house, it's too fucking unnerving for everyone involved.

on the lighter side...
we got back boo's pictures today and she is seriously the most adorable little girl in the world.

also, if you haven't checked out Toothpaste For Dinner, you TOTALLY should, it will become your new favorite website to check everyday. besides this one.

yeah....riiiight.

i stopped sleeping on friday. when got down to my aunt's house in iowa and she really did a great job making arrangements for my mom, special bed and stuff. so she put hubbin, boo and i in the nearest room, in case my mom needed anything in the night. the trouble was, is that the room we were in belonged to my 15 year old cousin.

now, i don't know how long it's been since you've been in a 15 year old girls room. it's been about 20 years for me. she has all these posters of jeff horner, and one of his signed jersey's (which no one but her was allowed to touch). she also had some of his crusty ankle tape that he wore for a game - ewwww - but he signed it, so that was nice. although a signed piece of stinky tape is about the weirdest little thing i've ever seen.

and her bed is the size of a postage stamp compared to our king size behemoth, so we were knocking elbows and knees all night. then i started to hear all the weird little noises in the house, including my mom's snoring from the next room. by the time i got up to use the bathroom and take a chill pill, i had woken up boo, so i had to put her back to bed with some TLC and a bottle.

it hasn't been much better since.

saturday night i spent a little time on the floor trying to relax and when i finally felt like i could fall asleep i crawled back onto the bed to notice it was 3:45 AM. and i know you know what it's like to know that you have shit to do the next day and you HAVE to sleep. but then you see the time and it just creates a whole new world of horror for you.

sunday night, when we all got home, when i took my mom home, i had to have a conversation with my parents that i wasn't looking forward too. my brother, the good one with cancer, is in the hospital. he's very ill, about 120 lbs, and is refusing a feeding tube. when i call hubbin on my way home from my parents, he brushes me off, overwhelmed by the weekend and needing space and downtime. i tell him there is no downtime.

he apologizes when i get home and we do talk for a few hours, but by then it's almost 1:00 AM before we get to bed and i still have yet to process all of my feelings about the weekend.

then last night, like an idoit, i went back over to my mom and dad's to drop off somethings i had gotten for them at Target. and instead of staying for 15 minutes like i had planned, i was there for over 2 hours. helping my mom do things for herself that she can no longer do (i won't go into details, so let's just leave it at that), and talking to her about getting some in home health care.

she finally agreed that she'd like a professional to come a few times a week to help with somethings that i just can't do, and that my father absolutely cannot do. i told that we needed to talk to dad, right then and there and get it settled.

and to my amazement my dad didn't put up much of a fight. he realizes that he's limited with what he can do (both by age and the blindness), but i think he needed to hear it from my mom. and maybe my being there gave her the strength to be honest about it. my dad does know what happening to her, but he doesn't see it. and he relies on her for so much of that, that when she stopped talking he was left in the dark, pardon the pun.

so i feel like i got something major accomplished, but that victory is tainted by the fact that my mom is really deteriorating.

and i guess that's what's keeping me up at night.

this weekend sucked. but it was fun.
what sucked is that my mom is really deteriorating. she had a great time but between helping with her, watching the baby, chopping veggies for the party and drinking, i didn't have a moment to myself (and i'm not counting the mini-breakdown i had in my aunts room saturday night either).
my mom loved it though, and we do these things while we can when we can because there will come a point when we can't do it anymore, for whatever reason. and i don't want to think back and say "yeah, i could have done more for my mom".

i have some new rules too. number one - i will only clean up one poopy mess a day. number two - when my family all decides to go somewhere, i will stay at a hotel. rule number three - no small yippy dogs EVER. number four - i will do longer deal with, or speak to my father's son from a previous marriage, whom i will refer to as shitbagfuckface (or sbff) except maybe to call and tell him some dreadful news concerning my father.

i can't think too much about the details of this weekend. some of them are really horrible. but when this is all said and done, something truly wonderful and magical will happen.

i don't know if it's the shitty shitty minneapolis weather, or the pending threat of going down to iowa this weekend, maybe it's hubbin's new job that will take him away from me and boo for eight hours everyday, or it could be the fact that i feel like i have no magic left within me at all.

i used to say that my magic was tied up in a knot - it's a line from a black crowes song (who is, contrary to popular belief THE best rock-n-roll band in the last 20 years. greenday can suck it - i'm sorry). but i don't even have enough magic for a knot. it's like completely gone.

tuesday night as i was sitting a keiran's irish pub with jcsg, waiting for the prop slam to start we talked a little bit about creative outlets and i really don't have any. sure i could scrapbook, but am i really one of THOSE moms? i could schedule my week around what needs to be cleaned in the house, but am i really one of THOSE wives? or i could sign up for am improv class and maybe get a little of myself back.

marcie had a really good insight into that a few weeks ago - she said "you can see the girl you used to be, she's still back there. but that girl didn't have a daughter, and you do. so don't envy her or try to get her back, just let yourself blossom a little more into who you really are now."

sounds good doesn't it? trouble is, i don't really know who i am now.

i mean, i do, don't get me wrong. the core of myself is still very much the same. but the outside me, the one i show to the world when i walk out of the house - that's the one i'm worried about. she's not funny, she doesn't smile, nothing makes her happy.

but inside the house - it's boo's realm and she's the princess and i am her humble servant. and she's wonderfully goofy now and almost walking.

growing up i felt very responsible for my parents' happiness, my mother especially. i couldn't leave the house without some lecture about how I was a reflection of HER. my actions were directly linked to her happiness and approval. the yet-to-be-renamed-psycho-jen can tell you stories.

and when my auntie jan died, i saw my cousin dive so deeply into her daughter for salvation that all that was left when she came up for air was a coke habit and an extra-marital affair. i got two words for that - hell no!

i don't want to use my daughter as a tool for my happiness. i get great joy from her, from seeing her and being with her and playing with her. i will squeeze every ounce of goodness from the time we have together. but i'll be dammed if she's going to be responsible for my happiness. i will drain my bones dry before i use her as a life preserver when things get to tough for me.

that's what friends are for. the-yet-to-be-renamed-psycho-jen (now lovingly TYTBRPJ) and jcsg and hubbin are my life jackets in this recent quagmire of life. i just hope i don't stumble across a dead body in the bog.

my mouth is killing me!

i went to the dentist today. and not even the sweet, sweet, melodies of magnet covering "lay, lady, lay" with gemma hays was enough to block out the drill and the pain, even though my face was numb.

are there other people my age who absolutely cannot go to the dentist and think about that stupid bill cosby bit? by the way, i'm older than my dentist. but only by a few months.

i feel like there is this huge gap between my tooth and the back of my mouth and gum. like it's the mongo chasim that an entire m&m could fall into and be lost forever. the world never knowing what chocolatey goodness it had to off because for some reason there is a bottomless pit between my mouth and jawbone.

it's not true though. all of the m&m's that have been in my mouth are accounted for and have reached their final destination.

although since my search for a tall, beautiful male stripper escort for jcsg's birthday has failed i think i might just get her some personalized m&m's.

i can't believe how much my face hurts! it's like i'm swallowing blood. god! ick!

i should be grateful really, but i'm not. i got to spend part of mother's day with my mom - which was nice. we went to church (see i'm not a heathen) and she really enjoyed it, and that was nice. then the day completely flopped.

hubbin gave me two cards and there are flowers in the kitchen that he paid for, but i picked out. that was about it.

when it came time for boo's nap she wouldn't go down and while i was awarded with 20 minuites of free time he became more increasingly impatient with her when she wouldn't sleep.

frustrated at my being ignored, and working towards the best interest of my daughter i put on a dirty pair of jeans, socks, tennies and snatched her up and left the house.

we headed towards the mall and she fell asleep in the car. so i parked in a shaddy spot at target, cracked the window and we both slept. then when she woke up, we hit the book store, and had a snack.

when i came home, hubbin had vacuumed and made spaghetti (which i had suggested making earlier in the day anyway). we did have a nice dinner. then we bathed the boo and put her to bed.

it was a disappointing first mother's day, but only because there was no gratitude, no respect, no love or comfort from anyone other than boo. and that's how it should be i guess. but for all it took for us to be parents i was expecting a little more.

an acknowledgement maybe - the fact that i've been a home mom - that we've both made sacrifices and how wonderful it all is. but there was nothing. you expect ingratitude from your children, and she's still to young for that, so i guess i was relying on hubbin for some of it and it simply was not there.

mother's day was like the day i had been waitinig for, i felt i should have been celebrated, not ignored. it could have been any other sunday. and that's really not saying much.

i'm so glad that i did snatch her out of the house. that was the best part of the day honestly, spedning time with her, but i get to do that everyday.

i don't want to be forced into have low expectations of my mate. i get that men do not want the responsibility of having to make something special for women. but you know what? grow the fuck up. it's a simple fucking thing. go pick out your own damn flowers for me, make your own damn dinner menu, plan a little something, ANYTHING! don't expect a whole lot of thanks because you went to target and picked our a couple of cards - you're supposed to do that anyway! it's part of the deal. half of the fun of mothers day or fathers day is planning what to do. and if you can't do that, don't be suprised when i'm cranky or pissed off.

this was my first mother's day - and yeah it will be memorable because of how disappointed i am - but i don't think that's what hubbin was going for. it could have been really wonderful and special and it wasn't. i had to make my own happiness out of the day, but i do that everyday. i have one really special moment with boo everyday and i love it and cherish it and i'm greatful for it. but that's between me and her. hubbin could have participate more in the day and he chose not to.

and that's heartbreaking and i don't need it. i don't need anyone adding to the pain in my life. i need help alieviating it. and there is only one person working on it and she doesn't even know she's doing it. she just plays with her blocks and puts her fingers in her mouth and looks and me and makes a funny noise. and then i wonder what i'm mad about because she's so beautiful and charming.

maybe that's what being a mom is all about - appreciating your kids for who they are. if that's true then every day is mothers day.

i got the look today from my nine month old daughter. she likes to touch everything and i get it, she's a baby. but there are somethings that she shouldn't touch - mommy's computer for one. and as a parenting choice i have decided that instead of saying "no no" when she touches something she shouldn't i say "hands off". "no no" is going to get old really fast so that's why i opted for "hands off". it just seems more direct.

so about five minutes ago as i was firing up the laptop she crawls over, pulls herself up and starts reaching for the laptop. "hands off" i say in a gentle but firm tone. and she looks at me and kinda smiles. the she goes to touch it again, "boo, hands off". this time putting more emphasis on the "off". and she gives me the look. the "i know you told me not to touch this but i'm going to anyway" look.

SHE'S ONLY NINE MONTHS OLD!!!

i wasn't expecting that look until at least two or three. then she goes to touch it again and i say very firmly, but not loudly "hands off!" and she gets it, but then she starts crying a little bit. and that i can totally handle, because it's the spoiled little girl cry that only lasts about thirteen seconds the she crawls off to play with her hat.

but that look, that look scares me.

greetings and salutations! i am back. back from a trip that, again, was not a vacation. hubbin left four days before i did. which left me four days with boo and the mother-in-law. the trip it's self wasn't that exciting, however, i will say this...the mother-in-law got to read four books while we were there. i only got to read 60 pages. so, my visions of a built in babysitter quickly vanished when after taking care of things in the kitchen i come out into the living room to find both hubbin and the mother-in-law with their noses in a book.

now, it wasn't all that bad. i did manage to get in a few crossword puzzles and one day the two of them took boo for a walk while i catched some shut-eye. but i still feel like i need a vacation.

part of this feeling might be because when i got back from phoenix it wasn't until about 11 o'clock at night, and then fultzie called at 9:00 the next morning to invite us over for a bit. then i went to the dentist, then to baby class with hubbin and boo, then to mcdonalds, then to my mom's. then i was over at my mom's again yesterday.

i'm exhausted.

plus, i seem to have a problem paying my bills, as the site expired in my absence. sorry bout that, but since there are only four of you reading this thing, i don't feel too bad.