i bought this lame, self-cenetered book of questions in order to a.) have something to post on this site and b.) to fill out for boo, so she can look back and not think that she didn't know me.

the first question: one of mom's traits i admired was:

the thing that i've always admired most about my mom is that she always, always, always gives really sound advice. she always knows what to say and what to do. when i was doing stand-up, i would joke that "my mother always told me to take the high road. that way you can look down on people." which is true, but my mother never said it.
if you don't know what is an appropriate action, ask my mother. if you don't know what to do, say, or wear to a certian function, ask my mother.

i remember one time when i was about 22. i worked at a bar and had a huge crush on one of the bartenders, chris. chris had blond hair, a nice smile, great butt and brown eyes that wouldn't quit. i loved him, and we would work together a lot, but he never really seemed interested in me (it wasn't until much later in my 20's the i realized that men aren't interested in women smarter than they are).

so i asked my mother, how do i get chris interested in me, how do i get him to like me the way that i like him. "smile", my mother said. "you have the most wonderful smile. whenever you see him, just smile."

"yeah, but he'll think i'm up to something."
"if he asks what you're smiling about, just tell him how happy you are to see him, and how much you like working with him."

so i did.
and it worked.

the next night i worked with chris every time i had an order or a question i'd smile and he did ask what was up. i simply told him that i was glad to see him and that i was having a good time working with him.

that night, THAT very night, after we had all had a couple of beers after work, and had some grease ball burgers at perkins, chris and i went back to my house and talked until the sun came up. then we crawled into my single bed, and snuggled.

abouot 20 minutes later, chris rolls over, kinda on top of me and makes like he's going to kiss me and my body had the charge that you get with cute boys. but we didn't kiss.

he said he liked me too much, that he didn't want to ruin our friendship, but that he really really wanted to kiss me.

i smiled and said i understood, and i did, and that was enough.

ok, since psycho jen is like my best friend, and since she has requested a change as to how she is referred to on this site, i'm considering it.

here are a few monikers that instantly pop into my head -
sensitive sally
the artist formaly known as psycho jen
BFJ - best friend jen
ho-tina
PJ - short for phycho jen
the spaz
sklareeny

and i'm laughing too hard to type anymore. so take your pick or make your own suggestion. i'm open.

one short road trip
two bottles of wine
three books to sign
and the world was mine.

i can't tell you how adult i felt going to duluth with friends last friday night. after 8 1/2 months of being a stay home mom and seeing my hubbin go away for work and fun, i packed as much into my 24 hours of freedom as i could. even to the point of cutting off jcsg on the phone so we could talk in the car on the way up there.

needless to say i had a great time. upon arrival at the holiday inn, downtown duluth, keevee was already in the room with a bucket of ice and a drink in hand. and since keevee and jcsg hadn't met before, we spent all the time before the show getting to know each other a little better. then we hiked 2000 miles through the duluth skyway to see david sedaris.

and he was wonderfully funny and i wished that we could be friends. i'd sit beside him in a movie theatre everyday, and he could hand wash my delicates.

after the reading i stood in line to have some previously purchased books signed. jcsg bought another copy of "naked" which i was going to have signed for sack-o-crap PT. i wanted sedaris to sign the book, "duluth, you bitch", since PT is from duluth and used to tell a really funny story about it, the punchline being "duluth, you bitch."

but, as it turns out, thankfully, sedaris doesn't write what you want him to. so when i get up there, he signes one for jcsg, which was hard since we both had the same name, just spelled differently. and i was like, (no real names were harmed in the making of this post)

"that's for my friend lori, but i'm laurie, but not that lori."

"well, where is lori?" sedaris asks.

"she's over there", i say, pointing.

"oh, ok"

jcsg's insription reads, "To Lori (again, not her real name), I'm so mad that I missed you! David Sedaris" which is pretty cool.

the next book was actually for me which sedaris signed and then stamped with a skull and crossbones with, simply, "arrrgh" written next to it. which a loved loved loved!

sack-o-crap PT's was next and i wanted sedaris to sign it "duluth, you bitch", but he didn't. there was no name on the tag, so he asks...

sedaris: and who is this for?
aj: ummm...a friend.
sedaris: and what is this friends name?
aj: PT
sedaris: and who is PT?
aj (no good at lying on the spot to someone she really likes): for lack of a better term, an ex-lover.
sedaris: oh, when did you two break up?
aj: well, we never really got together.

sedaris says nothing, just looks at me and it's obvious that he isn't going to sign the book until i tell him more.

aj: ok, it's really stupid and sad, but PT was like my first love, and nothing ever happened until about 6 weeks before i got married.
sedaris: what happened?
aj: just a big make-out session and i told him i loved him, and he told me he loved me and i said, you're too late, why did you wait this long, and he didn't know, and it was just one of those things. i got married six weeks later.
sedaris: i see.

sedaris writes, "To PT, you fucked up. David Sedaris"

the last book is for hubbin.

sedaris: and who is this for?
aj: my husband, don't worry he knows all about the bullshit with PT.

sedaris smiles and writes, "To Hubbin, with the pleasure of meeting your enchanting wife, David Sedaris."

now, that made my night!

trouble is, is that i can now never, never, ever, never send the book to PT.

i know i'm going to pay for this...psycho jen started reading the site and she's going to call me tomorrow and tell me what a dork i am.

but i'm a little pissed off that there has been no word, NO WORD from PT about the letter i sent. which means one of two things has happened.

one - i sent it to his house, so maybe the wife got it and didn't give it to him. maybe they don't go through their mail. who knows. i doubt this is the case though. she can't be that insecure.

which means that two, the more likely senerio, is that he got it, read it, laughed his ass off and doesn't give a fuck.

either way, i'm still a dork.

and last week as i was driving by al's, i called him where i was and that i was thinking about him. when i talked to him a few days later he said something that has stuck with me. he said, "i didn't think you thought about me in the spring."

oh PT, i think about you more often than i'd like to admit.

with the way things are in my life i think it's only natural that my thoughts wander to my very authentic fantasy world, of which PT is a large part, natch.

le sigh.
le pant.
le pants off.

i want to stretch out my limbs far and wide and be warm and desired by someone. and i can't say with any truth that PT desires me, but in my mind he does.

and in my mind we are at al's drinking jw red talking about football and baseball and lord byron liking boys. which is way better than what's going on in real life.

just when i think the world will swallow me whole something like this happens and i feel like the girl who i once was and who i can still see behind me.

last night i was sitting on the couch in my therapists office rehashing the easter weekend, subsequent roadtrip, and all the craptastic drama that lead up to it. i am not ready for this to be my life. not yet.

my stomach still hurts from this weekend. i'm exhausted.

about half way through the session, i start in about all the craptastic drama that lead up to the weekend. how i feel orphaned even though i have parents and a family of my own. and dr. m asks me if there is anyone in my life that i can call upon to help me run interference with my dad. anyone that will be on my side to help me deal with him. and the truth is, no...there really isn't.

when things got really hairy last week before we all went down to iowa, i did call my aunt down there and asked her for help. which she gave, completely. but there really isn't anyone here, on a day to day basis. so i tell dr. m, no, not really.

"isn't there an MD or someone?"
"my mom sees about 5 different doctor's, so that wouldn't help."

she nods and i continue to wax on my life.

before we all went down to iowa for easter, my mom pointed out to me where all her jewelry was. and i pulled it all out and we went through it. she wants me to have it. now. and i'm not ready yet. first of all because i feel that certian pieces of jewelry can only be worn by women over forty, and i'm so not there yet. secondly, i don't want to wear my mother's jewelry, not while she can still wear it. but she doesn't want to wear it, which is why it's in a box. she wants me to have it, so she can watch me enjoy it. and i understand that, i'm just not ready yet.

and this reminds me of auntie jan's bowls. my auntie jan had these fantastically ugly bowls that she always served glorified rice in. it's my dad's favorite holiday treat and it doesn't matter what holiday because glorified rice goes with everything. but the bowls were hedious.

she and i would sit at her kitchen table, smoking and talking and i'd see the bowls up in her cupboard and i'd remind her that when she's dead, i get those bowls. and it was kind of joke between us. a weird morbid joke that only the two of us got. a few months after she died, my cousin gave me the bowls. and the two of us burst out crying and laughing at the same time - because the bowls are really that ugly.

and i tell this to dr. m, the jewelry, the bowls, all of it. then she stops me.

"i'm sorry, i need to stop you. i need to share this with you but..."
"but what?"
"it's just really important that i tell you something."

she's very hesitant, so i wait.

"i've never shared this type of thing before, so i'm....you're going to think i'm crazy."
"i doubt that." i say.
"i just feel it's important to share this with you."
"ok"
"you're going to think i'm a lunatic, but here goes."
i take a deep breath.
"about five minutes ago, i saw a white light over your right shoulder. it was your aunt jan, and she wants you to know that she's here and she supports you. i wasn't going to say anything, but when you brough up the bowls, i knew that i should tell you."

i cover my face and sob. auntie jan would have been the one to run interference with my dad. auntie jan would have been the one to help me through all of this and help my mom and make sure things didn't get too crazy. she would have helped my dad deal with my brother and my mom, and was just about the only one who could keep him in check.

she was the one who i could go to and lean on and cry to. and she's gone.

but she's not gone, she's here watching over me and she loves me and supports me and with her strength i can get through this.

i thanked dr. m for giving me the message. i thanked her for seeing auntie jan and listening to her. dr. m thanks me for being open to the message and receiving it so well.

i cry more in the car on the way home. i think about stopping my auntie jan's grave sight, but she'd think that was stupid, so i don't. i got the message anyway.

when i get home, boo is on hubbins lap and he asks me how it went. i tell him that dr. m asked me if there was anyone that i could call upon to help me with my dad. hubbin cuts me off and says "that's what your auntie jan would have done. you need your aunt jan." i know i do, i say and then tell him about the light and the message.

and i cry again. he gets a little wet around the eyes too and i look down at boo and she just gives me a one of kind smile that i have never seen before and will likely never see agian; like she knew what we were talking about. then hubbin gets up and give me a big hug with her in his arms and i feel like there is enough love in the world. that i'm not an orphan.

and at the moment, i know everything will be ok. i know that boo is here more to watch over me than i her. that auntie jan sees what's going on and will help me.

i can't tell how nice it is to know, Know, KNOW that i am not alone in this. that my faith has been restored and i can truly believe in things that are larger than myself. that there is more to this world that just what we see. that dr. m is gifted and i'm seeing the absolutely right person for all of this.

i don't want to get all spooky and "highway to heaven" or "touched by an angel". i'm not going to turn into one of these "angel on my shoulder" people. because i don't believe that my aunt jan is an angel - that's laughable. but she is a light for me. and she's here.

so to all you kind and gentle souls - shine on.

i don't even know where to begin.

my father and hubbin are both on my shit list. i can't tell you how frustrating i find that.

the deal with my dad - the deal with my dad is that, ever since my mom was diagnosed with a degenerative neurological disorder, he's put up a brick wall so thick even i can't get through. he's angry. the weight of the world is on his shoulders, but god forbid he gets any help. he's trying to keep them alive, my mom and my brother. that's what he thinks his job is, keeping them alive. and i'm not kidding. you want to talk god complex, let's talk god complex. it's so fucking dichotomous too. he feels like he's the only one who can take care of my mom, but he has no problem going out to lunch everyday, or planning all these fishing trips for weeks at a time. his social calendar hasn't changed a bit. but then when i try and get involved, i don't know what i'm getting into, i don't know what i'm doing.

let me be very clear about this. i take better care of my mom than he does. and i don't even do it that much. she has said so herself.

now here is my beef with my dad. i had planned on taking my mom down to my aunt's (her sister's) in iowa for easter. i didn't think that my dad would want to come with, since he doesn't particularly care for my aunt or her family. and he doesn't celebrate the true meaning of easter, he doesn't go to church. easter sunday is just another big ham dinner for him. so i thought, i'd take my mom and hubbin and boo and give my dad a break. so he can be at home and putz and not have to worry about my mom. so he could get a full nights rest.

then all of sudden, he doesn't think it's a good idea. mom can't make the trip, he says. it's going to be very difficult for her, he says. blah blah blah. then he announces that he's coming with. fine, i told him what my initial intentions were, to give him a bit of a break. "i don't need one" he said, offended. so now we are all going. fine. then he goes to california with my brother for the drug trial stuff, and i take mom home with me.

that night, she and i talk to my aunt and decide that maybe since there will be five of us, that we should stay in a hotel. great. i call the nearest hotel that my aunt recommended and they handicap accesible rooms - isn't that nice? so i book one for my folks and a regular room down the hall for us. friday and saturday night. that way, we can get down there friday, mom can rest a bit on saturday and be up for church and brunch on sunday. no problem.

dad gets back from california and for whatever reason, it's too long and complicated for me (his words), we can't leave until saturday. he has something going on on friday that he won't tell me. he doesn't want to get into it with me, again his words. so what the fuck is that all about? we go over my original intentions again, and again it's the "i have to come with to take care of your mom" bullshit. so fine, we are now leaving on saturday - driving 6 hours on coming back in sunday - driving 6 hours. now, i don't need to remind you that it's very convenient for my dad, just to change plans like this. after all he's not the one doing the driving.

so we had it out a bit on the phone yesterday. and i call and cancel the rooms for friday night. i don't even need to tell you that i don't want to go now at all. 6 hours in the car with my dad is not a fun trip. all his political hooha, and bullshit marine stories, and my resentment. i want to cancel the whole thing. i want so much to call and talk to my mom about it, but i don't want to deal with my dad. but i can't run scared. at some point i know that my dad and i are going to go toe to toe about my mom. and spending the last 35 years as his daughter has well prepared me for it.

so that's what's going on with my dad. and it makes me so upset that my stomach hurts.

now, the deal with hubbin has been going on for about a week. before he and his family went to new york for the weekend, he came home early on friday - they all left on saturday. and i had this weekend with my mom (since dad was in ca with my brother) coming up. so i asked him if he could take boo for a bit and give me an hour, just to myself. an hour. one hour. and basically, he said no. he wanted to go for a walk, and couldn't we all go together? sure, but i wanted some time. well, he says, you could just go for half the walk and then turn around and come home. what the fuck? half the walk, is half the walk - it will take me the same amount of time to get home as it would to complete the walk. so that doesn't really help me, does it, since we'd all be getting home at the same time. right?

i mean honestly, what kind of a lame ass deal is that?

so whatever, we go on the walk and i give him the silent treatment. and it's windy and cold and boo falls asleep. then we get home, get her upstairs and all of a sudden, he's going to be the nice guy. like i'll watch her while you go do whatever. well, gee dipshit, i don't need you to watch her while she's asleep. duh! the point was to get everyone out of the house so i can be alone. but whatever.

the he goes off the new york and has a great time with his family. but i miss you, he says. sure.

when he gets home, he's real sweet, but tired. buddy, you don't know the half of it. i had just spent the previous night getting up at 12:30, 2:40, 3:20, and 5:45 with my mom. then boo wakes up at 6:08, so i'm pretty tired too. but he doesn't know that. so this is sunday and sunday night i take my mom back over to her house and plan on spending the night with her. we got chinese food and it was nice just to sit with her and watch tv.

she went to bed early, but i was ready for another night like the last, sleeping in 2-3 hour shifts. and when i know that, it's hard to fall asleep. so against my own will, i stay up until about 2:00, then i go in to check on her and she's listening to her book, and no she doesn't need to get up.

you sure?
yes.
cuz, i'm here now, it's not a problem.
no.
you ok?
fine.
you sure?
yes, get some sleep.

oooh-kaaay.

6:45AM i hear kind of a clunk, and i'm not sure what it is because i'm dead tired and it's my parents house and i don't know.

my mom buzzes me.

i go into her room and she's on the floor. she had gotten up by herslef and fell into the dresser.

fuck.

she's not hurt, thank god. and when i help her up and ask her what she was doing, she says turning the alarm off, the helper gal comes at 10:00.

it's 6:45, i say.
i thought i could do it.

and i feel terrible. for the rest of the morning.

then i come home here and take care of boo and when hubbin gets home i try to tell him all about it, and 2 minutes into it, he gets a blank stare on his face and looks out the window.

and i haven't really talked to him since. first the selfishness of not wanting to give me an hour to myself before this whole ordeal started, then the complete and total disrespect and disregard for what i went through while he was gone.

fuck him. fuck ya'll.

i don't need it, i don't fucking need any of it.

a long time ago, in a dot com company far away, there lived a bunch of hip 20 somethings who all became friends. the lizard king stood out among the others because of his great sense of humor and highly charged sense of the world around him. he and yours truly became very close - too close some would say, because after a while rumors started to spread.

i don't need to tell you nothing happened. the lizard king has a lovely wife and yours truly has a wonderful hubbin. and eventually the four of them all became friends, taking bike rides together and going to chicago for the weekend. it was a wonderful time.

then, something happened - i don't know what, but it was my fault. the lizard king stopped being my friend. and when i tried, i failed because he didn't want me in his life anymore...for whatever reason. yours truly came to accept that and when she was let go from the dot com the gap between them naturally widened. i have no idea what happened to them.

i heard through other friends that they had a little boy - the lizard prince. which is sweet.

i'm waxing on all of this because last night i had a dream about the lizard king. we were at a convention of some sorts and we had to get out of the building. i can't remember why. but it was like die hard in my head. which was actually kinda cool. i don't know if we made it out safely. as the morning goes on, the dream fades from my memory.

like so many other things.

so let this be - not a shout out (that would be too kind) - but more of a "i know you are still out there, you jerk! what the hell happened?" to the lizard king.

ok, so hubbin and boo and the mother-in-law and i are all heading down to phoenix again at the end of the month. and i had to put pen to paper and write my two great aunts to tell them we were coming. they are both deaf as a damn post, so calling them is just an exercise in frustration and since they are both over 70 e-mail is out of the question.

so, while i was writing to them, i thought - what the hell, i'll write to PT while i'm at it. so i write this big four page dork-fest of a letter and seal it with wax (it's our thing) and send it off. now i wish i hadn't. what the hell could i possibly hope to get out of writing a letter to that sack of crap? what the fuck was i thinking?

but maybe that's what good letters really are - those without purpose. who knows. i just wish i hadn't sent it. i'm so lame. sooo fucking lame.

these list e-mails are one of my favorite cyber guilty pleasures...

A) Four Jobs You Have Had In Your Life:
1. stand-up comic
2. Human Resources lackey
3. cocktail waitress
4. phone sex girl

B) Four Movies You Could Watch Over and Over:
1. Overboard
2. Blazing Saddles
3. All About Eve
4. Sunset Boulevard

C) Four Places You Have Lived:
1. Home with mum and dad
2. Apartment with girlfriends
3. Apartment alone
4. Home with hubbin and boo

D) Four TV Shows You Love To Watch:
1. Family Guy
2. 24
3. Deal or No Deal
4. Arrested Development

E) Four Places You Have Been On Vacation:
1. Ireland
2. Cozumel, Mexico
3. Savannah, Georgia
4. Phoenix, Arizona

F) Four Websites You Visit Daily:
1. www.iwilldare.com
2. www.mydarlingcurse.com
3. www.bettybowers.com
4. www.google.com

G) Four Favorite Foods:
1. Black tea with milk and sugar
2. Chai Tea Luna Bars
3. Sour Cream and Onion Light Pringles
4. hubbin's chicken taco's

H) Four Vehicles You Have Owned
1. 1978 Ford LTD
2. 1988 Ford Aerostar
3. 1994 Ford Escort
4. 2004 Nissan Altima

I) Four Places You Would Like to Be Right Now
1. Asleep
2. Cozumel, Mexico
3. The Cabin
4. writing class at the Loft with Vodo and JCSG

J) Four Books that Helped You to See the World Differently
1. Crossing to Safety by Wallace Stegner
2. The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
3. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
4. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Sallinger

K) Four bands/artists you've listened to repeatedly in the last month
1. Magnet
2. The Honey Cone
3. Blossom Dearie
4. Babel Gilberto