i will fully admit that i was using patty's wedding last night as a umbrella for the dark clouds that are beginning to form. now that it's all over there is no escaping the fact that i have to get ready for this trip to phoenix with hubbin and the 'rents. i am not looking forward to this.

i am not looking forward to this at all.
not at all.

24 hours a day for two weeks with my mom and dad is going to suck. and it's not because my mom is sick. because i can get her up and doing stuff. it's both of them together and i feel like it's just going to be too much for me, what with hubbin and they baby and all.

i feel like i going to the desert to die.

i feel like i will go through this experience and have nothing good come out of it.

i feel like it's an incredible amount of pressure on me (which I will admidt to putting much of it on myself), but to also ask of hubbin.

all i want to do is hide with boo and hubbin. i just want it to be the three of us because i've come to realize that they are the only people i truly need. the bond of being the child to my parents is now broken because i have crossed over into motherhood.

and maybe it is because my mom is sick. i don't know. but when hubbin and i sit in our living room and drink tea and plan our life, none of it includes our parents. like at one point, i thought that my mom would be playing a much larger role, but she physically can't. and i'm so ok with that, because she is who she is now and i love her no matter what. and boo will love her no matter what. it's not that.

it's just....jesus! can there be anymore going on in my life? i just feel like i'm being pulled in all these directions and none of them lead to where i want to go. and i feel like i have to boo and hubbin along for the ride even if they don't want to go.

and that's what families do, i get that. but it's the opposite of what i want to happen for us. i can't take care of a baby and aging parents, not at the same time. no one can. but that doesn't stop me from trying, it doesn't stop me from wanting to do it, it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty that i CAN'T do it.

and nobody's life is perfect - i get it. we all have our problems - i get it. i'm not wonder woman - i get it.

i just wish so much that i had the energy for all of it. because something always suffers in situations like this. and i fear that if it's not me (which i hope it is) then it will be my relationship with hubbin. which would suck.

it all sucks.
this whole thing sucks so much.
it just fucking sucks!

i started to feel a difference just sitting at the nail station at the salon.

see, i'm under quite a bit of stress and for a few weeks i've had, what i'm going to call, "acute dermatitis" on my right hand. it's just a little rash sort of thing, but i've been putting cortizone on it and it won't go away - which is why i think it's stress related. that or a flesh eating virus.

it popped up after the filthy filthy jesus children were here and i washed my hands about a gazillion times and completely salted the earth of my skin with purell. nasty little snot nose buggers.

the last time i had my nails done was before Boo was born, she's almost seven months old now. since i'm the matron (that so does NOT sound sexy) of honor at a wedding tomorrow night, i figured it's time to treat myself and have 'em done. and my god what a difference.

i'm even using my hands differently. my gestures are more languid, my head tilts at a more feminie angle. the red of the nails counters the redness of the rash particullary well. but i feel better. that's why i'm typing about it. i want to see my pretty meryl streep fingers fly across the keyboard.

and when i just read this out loud to hubbin - who wanted to know what i was typing - he said i have a nice style. what's more sexy that a confident woman?

joaquin phoenix?

true, but he's busy right now, can i take a message?

here are some blurbs from valentine's day past:

- "happy dick day": making valentines day cards with psycho jen and her mom, chardonnay, and watching the olympics (this was back in the 80's). one of the announcers was dick buttons and instead of writing happy valentines day on a card chardonnay writes "happy dick day". jen and i drop to the floor laughing and have used this greeting ever since.

- "the gay boy": this might be one of my faves, while in college in iowa, one of my buddy's little brother came in for a visit and do a little one act play or something. i'm not going to mention his name because he went on to be a pretty famous actor and has just written a memoir. anyhoot, he shows up and i crush all over him and we stay up all night talking and whatever. he gives me his number in new york and we chit chat for a few weeks and then it's valentines day. and he tells me he's gay but that he still wants me to be his valentine and he was very sweet about it. he was like very into letting me know that i had a valentine that day and it was him. like i said, very sweet.

- "drinking and dialing" (valentines day 1994): in a downward spiral of loneliness and heartbreak over one asshole (whose name i won't mention since he was a reality show before reality shows), and asshole's best friend. my roommate was out with her boyfriend and although i had met hubbin and we obviously liked each other hubbin was out with his gf at the time. i drank a bottle of wine and chain smoked myself into a haze of self-pity. around 10 o'clock i called the one person who i knew would give me the love i needed, mum.
she sympathized and told me this was the absolute last valentines day that i would spend alone. and she was right.

- "lobster and the tower" - the first v-day i spent with hubbin (although we weren't married at the time, just living in sin). he was going to cook dinner which was a "surprise". i got stuck in traffic on the way home from a rehersal at school and was about 20 minutes later that i said i'd be. in all his sweet brilliance hubbin does the following - after boiling live lobster and having it sit out waiting for me to come home, he decided to "pop them in the oven, just to keep them warm" for about 10 minutes. this rendered them uneatible. however, hubbin still put them on the table and told me to close my eyes. i open my eyes to a bright red bug, scream and promptly stand-up causing my chair to tip over. after that we settled into a meal of the worst lobster EVER. it was like lobster jerky. we both gagged it down silently for a few minutes and then both decided it was shyte. we scrapped the fancy dinner and hiked up to leaning tower for pizza, a bottle of chianti and a red rose all for $19.95. it's been the v-day tradition ever since.

i don't even know where to begin...

- hubbin lost his job (don't worry things will be fine)
- we snuck up to the cabin and it was a huge mistake
- arrested development is gone and i never got on my jason bateman crush
- boo hated the cabin - she woke up at 4:30 both nights/mornings
- the house was cold when we got home
- hubbin is really stressed out and i don't know how to help him
- i love seeing my mom, but i don't want to go over there tonight
- i hate the way i look, just hate it

dear jcsg,

i don't know what i would do without you. i am so glad that you are ok, but am still worried. you deserve nothing but sunshine and happiness and incredibily good things. i love you and so does everyone else.

xoxo,
ffj

i was a fifty cent cab ride away from waking up laughing this morning and when hubbin axed me what was up, i just giggled like a 12 year old.

"i had the weirdest dream last night." then i really lose it. i'm like covering my face with a pillow and laughing into it.

"what?"
"i'm too embarrassed.." snicker snicker snicker.
"you have to tell me now."
"ok, but you can't give me any crap about it."

hubbin silently ponders this, and doesn't respond. he loves giving me "man-of-your-dreams" crap.

tuesday was a tough day for me and i did a lot of nice things for hubbin, and for whatever reason, when he got home from work, he just would NOT leave me alone. it was like dealing with a four year old. at last i said, you have to say something nice or give me a compliment really soon. the next words out of your mouth better make me melt. he's usual response to this is "you are good" which is a little joke between us. (noah levy signed some h-dog liners notes for me and that's what he wrote "you are good" then he gives it back with a "i didn't know what to write" face and i instantly forgave him. since then i've used it as a personal endorsement.)

so hubbin says something sweet and then follows it up with "you are good, as endorsed by noah levy" then snarkily, "the man of your dreams" and he cracks up and i crack up.

i say, "no man-of-your-dreams crap"
"ok"

then i take a breath and start to tell him, but i just giggle instead.
"i had kind of a sex dream with no sex."
"yeeah?"
"it was me, you and stephen colbert" (since i fell asleep during the colbert report last night, it was the last thing my brain registered.)
he holds back laughter
"and before anything happens, like we are all still in our underwear, the baby makes a noise or something and he gets up and wants to know where the diapers are."
more suppressed laughter from hubbin, "and?"
"and he gets up and changes the baby, i look at you and we both crack up. then i wake up."
"was it him as his colbert report persona or just him?"
"colbert report persona"
"that's really funny" he says and laughs.

just goes to show what a total mom i've become. even when presented with a wacky ménage, the baby gets all the love.