i am almost panting....i forgot it was today.
oh god!
rapture...the oscars are coming....
and jon stewart is hosting...jesus christ i'm in a puddle.
will stephen colbert be on the red carpet?
will rob courdray be backstage?
it's almost too good to be true...
my heart is racing, no lie.

ok. get it together.
without much thought, or having seen all the movies, here are my oscar picks (and you can see the full list of noms anywhere). and i'm only doing the top six categories, otherwise we'd be here all day).

best picture:
will win - brokeback mountian
should win - good night and good luck

best director:
will win - ang lee
should win - tie: speilberg or clooney
although this is a tough category - usually the academy doesn't split the best picture/best director, they have the last couple of years. but i don't think it will happen this year.

best actor:
oh god joaquin, i love you, i really do. but winning a globe in best musical or comedy doesn't bode well for you here.
will win - philip seymour hoffman
should win - philip seymour hoffman

best actress:
will win - felicity huffman
should win - felicity huffman

best supporting actor:
will win - george clooney
should win - paul giamatti

best supporting actress:
will win - michelle williams
should win - katherine keener

i gotta call marc, i have to like book a hotel room or something, make sure someone has the day off to take care of Boo the morning after. i just can't wait! fags and white wine and jon stewart???!!! be sure to bring your own litter box because things will get catty!

it's not even 8:00 AM and i've already had too many valentines M&M's. like i reached for a few just a moment ago, and my stomach gave the same lurch it did just before i threw-up about 12 tequila sunrises back in college.

as i turned to head over to the computer area i noticed that my fridge had graduated from the art gallery of the kitchen to a somewhat upright desk of sorts. papers and clippings flapping gently as the furnace kicked on. what is all this crap i thought?

upon closer inspection i realized that while i love putting up pictures, i do inevitable think, great how long do i have to keep this? "this" being the picture of twin girl infants from hubbin's college buddy down in SC. and eventually i rid the fridge of these sweet but pointless pictures. and if you've already chucked your picture of my sweet Boo, don't worry, i completely understand.
but what has taken the place of birth announcements and chrstimas pictures and 6 month pictures and 9 month pictures and the only two pictures of my niece and nephew that i have, are coupons. tons and tons of coupons.

now, i am not a coupon clipper, i should be i'll admit, but i'm not. i spend too many mornings on spring break down in AZ with my grandparents wondering why my grandmother never sat down. she stood all the time, clipping coupons at her kitchen counter. and since i know that these coupons on my fridge were not clipped by me, i'm wondering if my hubbin has turned into my grandmother.

on some of these spring break trips, i'd take a peek at what my gram (as i called her) was clipping. and it was like the weirdest shit. shit she'd never in a million years use or even need, like tire guard and tampons, and baby food. but because the piggly wiggly was having triple coupon days she had to shop. my mother eventually inherited the same problem, shopping. thankfully it skipped a generation with me, because i hate it. which is probably why i don't clip coupons.

so, as i inspect the little winged pieces of paper on the fridge i'm seeing the weirdest shit, shit that my hubbin will never in a million years use. with the exception of papa john's coupons, here is a small list of what's clinging desperately to the magnets of my fridge:

- $5 off a Family Pack order at Dino's (and i have no idea what this is or where it is or who Dino is.)

- Free appetizer at JJ's Clubhouse when you purchase two entrees, but it doesn't include the sample platter.

- Triple Image Special at Glamour Shots (no i'm not kidding)

then some random dry cleaning coupons and some oil, filer, and lube coupons.

what the hell?

coupons are a dirty business my friends. because once they are clipped you have to use them. the guilt of throwing them away is too great. i can just hear my gram "it's like throwing away money. and what kind of idiot would throw away money?" there is one up on the fridge for a free piece of pie at bakers square. and i wouldn't throw away a piece of french silk pie would i? of course not.

but like the cute little pictures, i'm wondering, great how long do i have to keep these up? until they expire? that's like 2007 on some of them. oh, well, plenty of time to book my appointment at Glamour Shots.

i am adding two names to the dream make-out list:
adrian brody
constantine from last years american idol (and don't pretend you don't know who i'm talking about, ya'll watch and love idol. i know you do.)

constantine gets an honorable mention today as well, since he showed up in a dream of mine last night. there was no making out, but he totally wanted to, i could tell.

so saturday night, psycho jen and her husband were over and we all talked and played cards and whatever. now, psycho jen and her husband have a very large elephant in the room with them at all times, which we are not allowed to talk about. thus, my hubbin smartly purchased one of those question books bored people use at dinner parties. since we can't talk about "it", we thought the questions would be a good diversion.

one of the questions that came up was "if you could script out the dream you were going to have tonight, what would it include?" and everyone shoots off these lame answers:

"Oh, somewhere peaceful and outside with green grass, and yak yak yak".
"On a beach I guess, outside, yak yak yak."
"I don't care, I don't dream, or I can't remember them, yak yak yak."

so, how about you?
me?
yeah...

any dream where i get to make out with N.L. is a good one, i say, side glancing my hubbin who knows i have a little girl crush on N.L.(N.L. is happily married by the way to a terrific gal and i'd never, never, never. but you know, a girl has to have a dream make out list right?)

and then last night i had a great dream in which i got to make out with N.L. and i'm super psyched, because he's a total fox!

and i have decided that in honor of lists, i'm going to make a dream make out list of the top five people i want to make out with. but so far only N.L. is on it. so coming in at number one on my make-out list is N.L. congratulations dude.

the other night (and maybe it was a week ago, i'm not sure. i have an infant), the other night on The Colbert Report our man Stephen used a German word that basically means getting pleasure from the misery of others. and i want to say the word was "shotenfruden" but i'm probably wrong. anyway you get the idea.

now hubbin and i laugh at the Report all the time and i remember thinking, man that's messed up, but if anyone was going to have a word for getting pleasure from the misery of others it would be the Germans.

now, i have a beautiful baby daughter, she really is a cutie. and while at Target the other day (and by that i mean yesterday) a couple of the old Target biddies come up and comment on what a sweet little girl she is and yak yak yak. since this happens a lot, i have developed some rote answers for this type of situation:

"Oh, Thank you!"
"Yes, she's very sweet"
"I hate to say it but she sleeps through the night"
"Almost 6 months"
"She was named after my mother and great grandmother"

it's the middle one that always makes these salt and pepper old chippies stop. and then they wish terrible things on me.

"Oh, I was up for two months straight with my son and now his son has the...acid reflux" and she'll make a hand motion like she's playing the guitar on her sternum.

"Oh, don't tell that to my daughter, she has a three year old, my grandson, and he still won't sleep through the night."

then inevitability "You're next one is going to be terrible." and they say this with a sweet old lady voice and look at my daughter and grab her hand or touch her cheek and Boo smiles and wiggles a little to show she's pleased. "Yes, you're little brother or sister is just going to be hell on wheels, aren't they? Yes, they are. Enjoy it while you can." and this last comment is more of a warning then actual positivie sentiment.

bitchesi

so i'm going to start changing my rote responses for these women:

"Oh, thank you." then whispering, "Black Market".
"Yes, she is sweet, but slightly neurotic, i'm missing all my kitchen knives."
"Yes, we're very happy today, I put a little Southern Comfort in with her bottles."
"Nope, he's a boy. These are just the only clothes we have."
"Oh she never cries cuz she knows it's either quite or the snow bank."
"Yes, she's the first one, at least the first one that I kept."

why, if you have a good thing, do people want to ruin it for you? why do they want you to be miserable? why can't they say - wow! you must be doing a great job to have such a little one sleep through the night. or, i hope if you have another one you'll get the same good luck.

let me tell you people, it's not luck. she's good because she's a good person. she sleeps through the night because we do all the fun stuff during the day and she's tired at 9:15PM. couldn't we all grab a little shut eye at 9:15PM? it's a proper bedtime!

stop with the shotenfruden already, sheesh. just love the fact that you saw a cute little baby today and she smiled at you. don't smear all your bad juju around Target. i need that to be my happy place man, it's the only place i get to go!