mydarlingcurse.com

Last night, Hubbin, his Mom and I all went out to dinner. It’ was the MIL’s B-day. We decided to take her out to a fancy pants tasting course dinner, it was nice. However, the Intermezzo course was Sebastian Joe’s Lemon Sorbet served in a chilled shot glass. I’m sorry, but putting ice cream in a shot glass doesn’t make it fancy. Putting ice cream in a martini glass with some garnish, maybe. But a shot class full of ice cream…..come on!

Honestly there hasn’t been a whole lot going on with me lately, that’s why I’m posting a bunch of Facebook crap. Sorry about that.

Last night I went out with some people I went to high school with. And there were people there that I knew all too well, but there was one guy that I didn’t really know at all. And it was amazing. My class was pretty small, so not getting to know someone seems strange, but it’s true. I tried to think if I had any classes with him or hung out with him at all or talked to him. I couldn’t think of a thing. Which is wrong, but such is life. But talking to him twenty years later, it’s like a whole new friend that I know, but don’t know. I can’t wait until our paths cross again.

It was a fun night, lots of laughs. For some reason though, now we’re all on the 20 year reunion planning committee. Ahh Facebook…what would the Class of ‘89 do without you?

This is the one where you put your iTunes (or whatever) on Shuffle and answer the questions with the song that comes up. I know I’m being lame just posting stuff from Facebook. But that’s all I have right now. I’m completely creatively brain-dead. Sorry mates.

IF SOMEONE SAYS ‘ARE YOU OKAY’ YOU SAY?
Shiloh Town by Tim Hardin

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Sister Golden Hair by America

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
I’m Gonna Sit Right Down And Cry (Over You) by The Beatles

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Clean Slate by Magnet

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
A Single Wish by This Mortal Coil

WHAT’S YOUR MOTTO?
Astronaut by Duran Duran

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Tusk by Fleetwood Mac (A fat joke, great)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Gone Daddy Gone by The Violent Femmes (Weird being that my Mom is the one that’s gone)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Doll Comes To Life by Noe Venable

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Kun Poijat Ne Menoo Amerikkahan (When The Boys Went To America) by Diane Jarvi

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Those Things Are Hers by The Honeydogs (Wow…had to think on this one for a bit. Good thing we love each other….now.)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
True Lady by Big Head Todd and the Monsters

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Bad Blood by Neil Sedaka

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LOVE?
To Turn You On by Roxy Music

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Kinda I Want To by Nine Inch Nails (We actually danced to “I Only Have Eyes For You” by The Flamingos)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
I Feel by The Sundays

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Sem Contencao (Without Containment) by Babel Gilberto

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Hard Bargain by Ron Sexsmith

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Can’t You Hear Me Calling by The Flying Burrito Brothers

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Jackie by Sinead O’Connor (Spooky, we called my Mom Jackie and I wish everyday she were here)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Sex Appeal by Ute Lemper

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
A Taste of Honey by The Beatles

1. Contrary to popular belief I’m really quite shy.
2. I have witnessed two deaths.
3. I still have my christmas tree up.
4. 99.99999% of the time my toenails are pained blue.
5. I drive a mini-van. I drive a mini-van and I love it!
6. Chances are I’ll puke if I drink Tequila.
7. Rock of Love, Rock of Love 2 and Rock of Love Bus make me giddy.
8. I have three separate lists of guys I’d do, a “MSNBC” list, a “Lost” list and a “Mad Men” list.
9. I will not stick my hand in the garbage disposal.
10. I have great memories attached to the scar on my collar-bone.
11. I talk too loud.
12. I am obsessed with my body and weight, yet I rarely do things in their best interest.
13. I love paperwork.
14. I have excellent handwriting.
15. I almost always remember my dreams.
16. Before I was pregnant I used to drink red wine, now I can’t so I only drink white.
17. I’ve studied Shakespeare, I’ve performed Shakespeare and I’ve read Shakespeare. I cannot quote Shakespeare.
18. The only lunch I will eat at the cabin is a turkey sandwich with chips and a beer.
19. If I see a movie that I own on TV, I will still watch it, commercials and all.
20. I make up nicknames for everything.
21. I miss smoking.
22. I rarely wear shoes or socks.
23. When I grow up I want to be an esthetician.
24. I was my Grandma’s favorite.
25. I still practice my Oscar speech in front of the bathroom mirror.

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse

2. Your significant other? Cleaning

3. Your hair? Sloppy

4. Your mother? Heaven

5. Your father? Mexico

6. Your favorite? Halloween

7. Your dream last night? Olbermann

8. Your favorite drink? Tea

9. Your dream/goal? Sleep

10. What room you are in? Living

11. Your hobby? Organizing

12. Your fear? Kidnappers

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Working

14. Where were you last night? Spencer’s

15. Something that you are not? Skinny

16. Muffins? English

17. Wish list item? Housekeeper

18. Where you grew up? Happy

19. Last thing you did? Dishes

20. What are you wearing? Slippers

21. Your TV? Yes

22. Your pets? Ashes

23. Friends? Distant

24. Your life? Unique

25. Your mood? Ennui

26. Missing some one? Mom

27. Car? Equipped

28. Something you’re not wearing? Smile

29. Your favorite store? Target

30. Your favorite color? Black

33. When is the last time you laughed? Earlier

34. Last time you cried? Nightmare

35. Who will resend this? Someone

36. One place that I go to over and over? Arizona

37. One person who texts me regularly? Babysitter

38. My favorite place to eat? Plates

39. My favorite food? Wine

40. Last time you had sex? Satisfying

So after the horrible awful dream of a few days ago I was rewarded with a wonderful sexy dream starring Keith Olbermann. I won’t go into details, but lets just say that a dozen white tulips guarantees I’ll put out. And after Mr. O’s spot about the NSA I’m not going to say anymore.

Last night I had a horrible dream. I woke up crying. I dreamt that my Daughter had the same crippling disease as my Mother. Her little body was rigid with atrophy and my heart broke into a million sobbing screaming pieces. I’m choked up just typing it. I couldn’t believe how much effort it took to refocus my mind. I’m still not completely successful with that either. In typical parental fashion I feel I would suffer from Soul Death if anything happened to her (to either of them, but the dream was about her). I’d be forced to live my life with a vacancy so huge I’d simply be reduced to a walking corpse. Happiness and hope would cease to exist and like a phantom I’d just pass through everything,

Such morbid thoughts. Where is this coming from? My neighbor. My poor sweet neighbor whose brother committed suicide last week. I think it’s really normal that after one experiences such a traumatic event that we become isolated. I lost my brother two years ago. I don’t really know anyone else who has lost a sibling. And it wasn’t so much that I lost my brother as I lost my brother 89 days after losing my Mom. And how selfish is it that when someone else experiences a death in the family all I want to do is talk about my experiences and my family? I guess that’s part of the process. There are some things about my loss that only come up when it happens to someone else. In a way, seeing from the outside, i.e. happening to someone else, it makes it easier on me. Not that I take pleasure in seeing other people go through something horrible. But it helps to have that connection, that realization that I’m not the only one who can’t make sense of it, I’m not the only one who doesn’t think they’ll ever be truly happy again, there are others suffering as much as I am - see look!

The funny thing is is that I’m not very close to my neighbor. They’ve lived next door for nine or ten years and we look out for each other in that neighborly way, I just don’t know if we are friends though. I’d like to be, no doubt. Maybe this is the start. I just hope I have enough sense and tact to keep my own stuff in check and help her if I can. I just can’t seem to find away to keep pressure on the wound, junk keeps oozing out.

I’m working on two projects at the moment:

One - a family cookbook. My Mom was one of the best cooks I’ve ever come across. She was a terrific hostess and always, always, always wanted to try something new. I’ll tell you about Onion Pie later. Seriously, Onion Pie! Anyway, my grandfather was one of four and his father was the fist of the family born here and not Ireland. So at the annual post holiday part I pitched the cookbook idea and they went nuts. They’ve got great-grandma’s old recipe box and everything. I send 28 packets out this morning. Over the next few weeks I’m going to be getting recipes from everyone on my Mom’s side of the family and organizing this cookbook. I can’t wait. I love love love paperwork and organizing things like this. On one hand, it’s just a fun idea. On the other hand it’s a great way to remember my Mom (and all the other women we’ve lost in my family).

Two - a rescue dog. I went to the Homeward Bound site today and sent e-mails out about five dogs. I don’t know if we are ready, but knowing that we could give a deserving dog a great home makes me want to look into it. Plus, it’s been really weird not having a dog around. I like not having everything covered in dog hair, but let me tell you how much I hate sweeping my kitchen floor. I’ve stepped on so many Cheerios and crackers! It sucks! I sweep every goddamn day. That domestic goddess bullshit is for the birds man. It so aint me. So I’m basically looking for a crumb eater more than an actual dog. And once The Buns stops playing with gravity so much it’ll get better, but still.

Other than that, I must say how happy I am that Lost is back. Sawyer went topless for like 45 minutes last night and my eyes were as big as dinner plates.

When did my life become so banal?

I’ve had sinus troubles since we got back from Arizona, which was December 1. I’m pretty sure that being sick constantly for six weeks is not a good thing. I’m on my second round of antibiotics and I wish there was a way to just inject them directly into my soft palate. Not that a needle in the roof of my mouth sounds like a good idea, but you know what I’m saying.

I have no right to complain though. Our neighbors (the lesbians) stopped by last night and they are back from Arizona because M’s brother died. It was tragic and senseless and horrible. And just hearing someone with the same sorrow in their voice as I feel I have (had?) was comforting. Also, she shared a lot of the family drama and it was so far above and beyond anything my crazy did or said. We laughed about it, but man! I can’t tell you how nice it feels not to be the only one.

In other news, strangely all of the toys in the living are set to speak in Spanish.

So I got tagged in a Note on FB and it’s a pretty good exercise. So here it is:

Early Influences
“You Are My Sunshine” - This is the first song I remember knowing and loving and singing. My Mom sang it to me constantly. I’m the same way with my little ones.

“Surrender” Cheap Trick - My late brother Randy and his band Brixx sang this at my 8th grade graduation party (in the garage). After seeing him perform, I understood more of who he was and musically, what he was about.

“Baby Blue” - Badfinger - Another one of Randy’s influences. I remembering singing in his room.

“Crocodile Rock” Elton John - Kindergarden, 45 rpm, BFF Jenny Chesner and I roller skating in her basement, twirling batons. Over and over and over and over. Her Mom hated it! It was great!

“It’s a Hard Knock Life” - Annie Soundtrack - I wasn’t one of the girls singing “Tomorrow”. Nope I took risks.

“Beast of Burden” - The Rolling Stones - The first Stones song I remember memorizing. I still use it in my Karaoke rotations. Ask Jodi about it.

“Crazy for You” - Madonna - I called KDWB or WLOL and asked them to play it and dedicate it to my 6th grade science teacher. Can’t remember his name, but EVERYONE heard it. All future teacher crushes owe him big time!

“The Reflex” - Duran Duran - A child of the 80’s + best grown-up glam boy band ever! I’m not apologizing for this one, not now, not ever! Simon Le Bon has one of the best voices in music. End of story.

“Sweet Thing” - The Waterboys - I’m not embarrassed to say that I heard this version from Jen before I heard the original. It just reminds me of the Sunday morning glow we had as girls after a Saturday night making out with a boy.

“Kiss Off” - Violent Femmes - The High School Anthem. I hope you know that this will go down on your permanent record! Oh yeah?

Honorable Mention “Last Christmas” - Wham! - Any time this comes on I know that I can call one of two girls, sing a lyric and they are right there with me, singing along without missing a beat. Cheesy yes, cheesy but without judgement.

Later in Life
“Jerusalem” - Sinead O’Connor - The entire album (The Lion and The Cobra) is the soundtrack to my relationship with the Chicago Cowboy. This one has special resonance though.

“Express Yourself” - Madonna - yeah, yeah, I know I mentioned her already. But when she’s speaking directly to me (and every gay boy I know) how can a girl not listen? It was the song I got ready to for years!

“Cecilia” - Simon and Garfunkel - This song seemed to close down every party until 1993. I start to look for my coat and calculate where the nearest Perkin’s is when I hear it. Old habits die hard I guess. Honorable Mention in this category “Desperado” The Eagles.

“Electric Boogie (The Electric Slide Song) - Marcia Griffiths - It’s a law that if you get married and you have a DJ at your wedding they HAVE to play this song and you HAVE to do the dance. And I do it. Every single time. Because it’s fun. And it’s the law.

“To Be With You” - Mr. Big - Marathon make-outs with a boy we called “The Piglet” (cuz he was short and cute, not a slob). One night this song came on and we lip-synced to it - with hand shadow puppets. It was adorable.

“New Mistake” - Jellyfish - I wish I could go back in time and tell that silly girl about her future husband’s bromance with Jason Faulkner.

“Imagine” - John Lennon - We walked down the aisle to this one. ‘Nuff said.

“These Days” - Ron Sexsmith - My husband turned me on to Sexsmith and this song. It sounds like a happy pop song, but then when you listen to Sexsmiths warble he sucker punches you for liking it.

“Everything I’ve Got” - Blossom Dearie - A nerdy jazz gal from the 50’s. This song is the ultimate “piss off”, but without being crass.

“My Darling Curse” - Magnet - It’s strange how one line in a song can break you down into nothing and build you up as well. This was at the height of our infertility woes. And it said so much about getting exactly what you wish for. It still breaks my heart, but in the best possible way.

“Mysterious Ways” - U2 - In the movie of my life, this is my theme music. When I make my first appearance on scene and I’m walking in slow motion looking fine - this is the song you hear.

“Walk Believer Walk” - The Black Crowes - Those of you who know me well know how much I love the Crowes. There are many songs that I love. But this one, this is exactly why I come crawling to the Crowes again and again. It’s Blues, it’s Rock, it’s dirty, it’s holy, it’s daring, it’s Soul. It’s a grinding groove that basically scolds you for not being better, but takes you as you are. Robinson and the band are at their basics here. His voice reminds me of a snake-handling preacher that I will follow anywhere.

Honorable Mentions

“The Case Continues” - Ute Lemper - Strong vocals, great story, killer music. Lemper is a rare find if you like modern cabaret style singing. Plus she’s a knock-out!

“Every LIttle Thing About You” - Raul Malo - I first heard Raul Malo on KAXE up north. (I *heart* KAXE) This song makes you want to take Tango lessons. We’ve had the pleasure of seeing Mr. Malo live at The Fine Line. He’s a great live artist and did a cover of Roy Orbison’s “Crying” and it brought me to my knees. Just another example of how I follow the great vocals.

“Essence” - Lucinda Williams - A song about the one you shouldn’t love. The one you can’t stay away from. The one that hurts you over and over, and yet you keep coming back because you’re stupid and addicted. Gritty and raw, just like your nerves around this guy. Only one name comes to mind.

“I’m Not Gonna Call You” - The Films - I wish I had this song in my twenties. A rock-a-billy version of “He’s just not that into you”. This song is what your best friend tells you about that asshole you keep going home with; He’s a jerk, He’s a bum, He doesn’t love you, He doesn’t have a car!

“Ah Leah” - Donnie Iris - We’ve all heard this song, and we all know it’s awesome. Bubble-gum-rollerskate-pop with an awesome hook. Call KQ and request it.

“Wild Horses” - The Flying Burrito Brothers - The Bro’s recorded this before the Stones (look it up). I can’t say enough good things about Gram Parsons. He shaped rock, blues, and country. This stripped down country version brings more resonance to the song than the Stones ever could.

“Is Jesus Your Pal?” - Gus Gus - Yeah, it has whale sounds, but it’s also a bone-breaking, soul-destroying technoballad that makes me sob. This was on my Rochester mix. My brother was at the Mayo Clinic for three weeks before he died. I went down as much as I could. This song+snow covered corn fields+twilight+knowing the end is near=peace.

“Candy” - Iggy Pop with Kate Pierson - All my life you’re haunting me, I love you so.