mydarlingcurse.com

Dear Alex Britt,

I’m so so sorry. I was a complete idiot in high school. Now, looking back at these pictures and reading what you wrote on the back of them…all I can do is type these words and hope that someday you google yourself and it leads you here.

I couldn’t see how extremely cool you were, and are probably still. I was waiting for someone else to ask me to prom senior year and he never did. So when you asked me in Mr. Hardy’s art class in front of everyone I had to say yes. And instead of taking it in stride, I let my preconceived notions of what senior prom is SUPPOSED to be get in the way of what was true, genuine affection on your part.

The only think I can say is, I had no idea how much you really liked me. I was too much a girl of the 80’s to even consider opening my heart to a way cooler throw-back Mod like yourself. And even when Jen tried to beat it into my head how poorly I was treating you, I just didn’t listen.

Hopefully, you found true love in Oregon. A girl who appreciates all you have to give and isn’t hung up on your shitty, bass playing best friend. You’re right, the signals I was receiving were diverted and deceiving. Too bad I didn’t get the message.

Hope you are well.
Love,
Jodie

today is/was my mom’s birthday. she’d have been 65. happy birthday mom, i love you. i miss you.

i guess it’s very zen to have nothing going on in your head. but i thinking clearing ones mind is different from just hitting the mute button. i’m not even thinking in fragments anymore, it’s like i’m no longer capable of coherent thought. it’s just a random list of things that are constantly going wrong. none of which i seem able to fix - not that i have the energy or motivation to try.

boo’s recent injury still weighs on me. hubbin and i talked a little bit about it last night, but i don’t think things went very well. i don’t feel any better and usually when we have a chance to talk it out, we both walk away feeling great. maybe there is more to talk about.

i just feel like i want to press pause. but only for myself. i want everything else to keep going. i need a replacement bot. seems that i’m just going through the motions anyway, why not just get a FemBot in to do what i normally do or don’t do? then i could go off and work on myself and come back at this with a different perspective.

i think the reason for all of this is that my Mom’s birthday is coming up this weekend. she would have been 65 this year.

while packing up the aforementioned Stripey, boo cut herself something fierce which prompted a trip to Urgent Care. i was taping up the bottom of the box with one of those industrial tape dispensers. after taping, i simply set it down on the floor where boo and i were working on getting to box together, she was drawing pictures on it. when i got up to get a pen and card out of my purse i hear her whine a little bit, i ask what’s wrong, turn around and see blood gushing from her hand.

this is where she started to freak out a little bit.

i grabbed her hand and walked her to the bathroom to put it under running water. this looked like a scene from a horror movie. i mean, is there is a certain look to blood swirling with water. the water keeps running, the blood keeps gushing, you think of that scene in Poltergeist with the guy pulling his face off and the chunks fall into the sink. ok, it wasn’t that bad, but still this is my daughter we are talking about!

to say that boo was brave is an understatement. once i turned the water off and got some tissue to put pressure on the gash she had dripped more blood into the sink. but she was starting to calm down. we went back to sit in the living room for a bit with me applying pressure holding her hand above her head. by the time hubbin got downstairs (he was in the shower the whole time), it was still bleeding pretty badly. he tried to tape it up, but she bled right through so i made the decision to take her to Urgent Care.

now, i’m not one of these mom’s that takes their kid in for every little thing. but gashes that don’t stop bleeding after ten or fifteen minutes need to be looked at. thankfully, the urgent care TV was tuned to SpongeBob and boo was content to just sit on my lap, snuggling and looking pitiful. to my amazement, buns was the one to really cheer her up. he was blowing raspberries (his new six-month-old trick) and she found this really funny.

the nurse ended up putting some kind of surgical strips over the wound. three strips because she’s three years old, she got three stickers and now mom needs three glasses of wine. she was pretty tuckered out though when it was all said and done. she had huge circles under her eyes (massive blood loss?) and fell asleep before we finished one book.

i feel like an idiot. it’s basically my fault she got hurt. but i’m really glad i didn’t second guess myself for taking her to Urgent Care. the doctor said even though boo didn’t need stitches, we got really lucky. i know he’s right, but i’m still freaked out.

it’s strange how simply dropping off a garment at the dry cleaners can set off 100 memories. and it’s weird how several things came into my life after it, all connected. after all this happened, i found a photo album with tons of picture of the parties involved. one picture has my charming Brit wearing said garment.

A Quick History
Junior year in high school, my BFF (Psycho Jen) and I went on a school trip to England. I had been there the previous year with my parents and grandparents. It was a jazz band, dance thing and we traveled around performing and staying with host families, etc. The first week there we mainly stayed at and around Dulwich College, outside of London. There we met several handsome, charming, british blokes. We both stayed with a young man named Silas, There was the Holden Caufield-esque Marcus (who kissed me a lot and wore pants tighter than my own) And there was Elliot. Jen did a much better job staying in touch with Elliot and Silas long-term. I don’t have a valid reason for letting either one of them fall by the wayside. Let’s just say life got in the way.

Most Personal
I fell in love with Elliot, naturally. I have a feeling PJ did too. Elliot set the standard for me as far as men are concerned; tall, dark, handsome, smart, funny. The only real difference between hubbin and Elliott is that Elliot is British. Elliot pointed this out to me at PJ’s wedding - which he flew across the pond for. Then with a wink and a smile he added that hubbin was just a poor substitute for him.

Kiss and Tell
My freshman year in college, or maybe it was my sophomore year… PJ and Elliot came down to Iowa to see me. Like all truly great college adventures, it’s a haze of booze and giggles. I remember Elliot psyching everyone at a party out by filling an empty Vodka bottle with water and then drinking more than half of it down. He literally dragged me out of that party and i cut myself on the door frame. I still have a scar on my collarbone. We ended up going back to my dorm room and making out for what seemed like hours. PJ was not pleased.

The Stripey
Somewhere along the way, Elliot gave me his College Stripey. They give them out for…how did he put it? “Outstanding performance / contributions to College life”. It’s basically a black blazer with blue stripes and the college crest on the pocket. Apparently, and this might just be in my own mind, it’s a big deal and not something you should just give away to some American Girl. Lucky for me, Elliot did give his away, to me, and again I don’t think PJ was pleased.

Flash Forward
Two weeks ago at breakfast PJ says something along the lines of, “I hate to ask, but…” She said that she had asked me to send Elliot the stripey back once before. I don’t remember that. “Well, his boys are at the college now and he’s going to start teaching there and he really needs it back.” Okay.

i found the stripey in the cedar closet downstairs and took it to the dry cleaners. i hate sending it back. not that i’m a cold hearted bitch who won’t honor a request. but i have/had genuine feelings for the person that gave it to me, and by sending it back, i feel like i’ll have no proof at all of how cool i was. not that it matters. it’s really silly to hold on to stuff like that, they are just things after all.

i guess, by sending it back, i’m admitting to middle age. that boisterous girl is long gone and i’m just not ready to accept that. so it appears that i am in dire need of a silly adventure. something reckless and youthful and slightly dangerous. although, i’d have to find a babysitter first.

Pardon the delay - and I’m sure the BCB website is going to be updated soon - but here it is, the JULY edition of Bookclub Bitches.

Bookclub Bitches #14 - It’s a Bird by Stephen Seagle.

yesterday at around 6:45 PM i decided that i was going to turn off my computer for 24 hours. i couldn’t do it. it’s sad, but true. i’m going to try it again, starting now.

also, in the “i’ve never done that before” category, i downloaded a ring tone for my phone today. i think ring tones say a lot about a person, so i downloaded “Remedy” by The Black Crowes.

in the “duh” category - and this is verbatim:

psycho jen: why are the flags at half-mast today?
me: it’s septmeber 11.
psycho jen: oh yeah, duh!
me: duh!

i’ve seen examples, back in the day, of parents letting their children drink a little gin before bed time, or putting whiskey on a theething child’s gums. i’ve also read of people being strapped into their beds as children, not harshly, just to prevent them from getting up or sleepwalking.

after the 45 minutes of sleep i got last night, these all sound like pretty good ideas. at least hubbin was sharing in my misery. we’ve never been a couple of “it’s your turn”, since i am a stay-at-home mom, it’s always my turn. but last night he did his share and after the kids were up he let me crash for an hour. i woke up groggy in a huge pile of drool - sleep of the junkie i call it.

thankfully, both kids are happy today, not fussy and playing well with each other. i on the other hand am seriously considering putting them on the doorstep for the gypsy’s to take away. just for a little more shut-eye.

Dear MSNBC,

Fuck you! How dare you pull Waldorf and Statler, I mean Olbermann and Matthews, from anchoring Election Coverage! Do you know how much I was looking forward to seeing Olbermann on and off for hours at a time during the debates and possibly during state primaries? I was looking forward to it…a lot, and glowingly. And now you’ve gone and fucked it all up, thwarting my one-sided-media-induced love for Olbermann. Shame on you!

Replacing Olbermann and Matthews with David Gregory is a huge mistake. I don’t give a good goddamn that you are grooming him to replace Tim Russert. He’s a putz and a dink and we ALL know it. Shame on you for taking a dipshit hockey Mom’s finger-waving too literally.

Yeah, yeah, yeah…they are still commentators, but still. Clipping their wings because of pressure from the Old Man and the Sea-Monster only goes to show that the news can be bought and sold. I hope and pray that Mr. Matthews and Mr. Olbermann continue their honest insight, I wish them continued courage to question the unreasonable, and to speak their minds.

A dissenting daughter of the revolution,
Jodie