mydarlingcurse.com

over the past week or so (basically since i started the new meds), i’ve had very man-specific dreams. the only bothersome part about it is that hubbin isn’t on the list.

a.) PT - always with the PT, always out of reach
b.) Chris Robinson - my rock-n-roll angel, never interfering, only guiding. “Not that way darlin’, this-a-way…”
c.) hubbin’s brother - i know, i know! i don’t dream about my own hubbin, but his brother makes the list. he’s always driving.
d.) steege - off in the distance, as in real life.
e.) the buns - everything, everything, everything gets cut short because of the buns.
f.) adrien brody - always there telling me something important that i instantly forget. then i spend the rest of my time seeking him out, running into everyone else and playing basketball, trying to find him to ask him “could you repeat that?”.

for so long i didn’t have dreams that i could remember. they were just the abstract catalogues of my mind untwisting itself. and for so long i didn’t want to sleep - i think people who have experienced a trauma get like that. in a world where, it seams, the reality of it has dropped out from under us, sleep is one of the things still in our control. so i push myself too far, unhealthy, before i give myself over.

and most of the time falling asleep is just an exercise of futility and anxiety. i think to myself, it’s 10 o’clock now, if i fall asleep this instant, i’ll get at least two hours before boo wakes up, crawls into our bed and kicks me in the back trying to get comfortable. then it will be another half an hour before i get back to sleep (since she tosses like a salad). and if i’m asleep by one, that gives another solid three hours before the buns wakes up. then when the buns wakes up a little after four, i spend 30-45 minutes trying to get him back down. then i crawl back into bed, pushing spindly little legs out of the way, and toss and turn until buns wakes up again an hour later, so i can poke hubbin so he can get up. then i sleep between 5:15 and 6:45 when boo wakes up and wants something.

one of the reasons i’m such a joyless bitch is that i haven’t slept more than a five hour stretch in five or six months. buns used to sleep through the night, when he was in his car seat, but he’s too big for that now and it only buys us an extra hour when we can get him to do it. and sure, buns sleeps during the day, but to ensure the two hour naps he needs, he has to be sleeping on you. which i don’t mind, i’ll lay down on the couch and read or snooze. but a 30 minute snooze isn’t long enough. i wake up more tired and angry that i didn’t sleep longer.

aunt iowa said it took her years, years! before she wasn’t sleep deprived. so looks like a long road ahead.
“Not that way, darlin’ this-a-way.”