mydarlingcurse.com

a.) bill clinton works my shit. he’s smart, sexy, mischievous, and powerful. he gave props to hillary and continued to work to unite the party. the best part of the Clinton Foundation is that it’s working to treat malaria. it’s my understanding that we can wipe out this disease with a simple vaccination. he’s working to make the world better. even after he made the world better.

b.) hillary is a sass-a-frass. her speech was energetic and a bit snarky. i would have loved to see her get the nomination.

c.) joe biden’s mom.

d.) Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews. these two are like Waldorf and Statler, except sexier. the train whistles only make me love them more. and i’d love nothing more than to sit on olbermann’s lap, feeding him scotch, and have him explain the in-field fly rule to me.

e.) watching Sen. Obama’s speech with JCSG. she is on those arm-chair patriots that loves the process more than the outcome and i can relate to that. plus, she said she’d come with me when Olbermann and Matthews set up camp for the RNC next week. she’s brilliant, enthusiastic and can quote Thomas Jefferson.

both kids are home with me today, this hasn’t happened for quite some time. since i’ve been flitting from room to room, picking up stuff, throwing stuff out, and sorting stuff, boo has been keeping herself busy with all the toys in the living room. the buns has been happily kicking on the floor rolling from his back to his tummy and shoving his fist in his mouth.

as boo has gotten bored throughout the day, she’s taken more and more toys out. she did really well the first hour when i wasn’t overwhelmed by everything and when i told her to pick up her current toy and put it away before taking out a new one, she was a little angel and for once did what she was told. then something happened, and i must have spent too much time in the kitchen putting things away and paying bills because when i cam back to the living room it was clear that the toy bomb had gone off and i was not at my post.

i figured i’d clean up while he was asleep and she was eating lunch. that didn’t happen. then i figured that i’d clean up after i got her down for a nap. that didn’t happen either. and i’m sorry to say that it’s still a mess.

the dog however has been a champ. all day he’s been getting squeezed out of the living room bit by bit. the more toys come out, the more he retreats to unfamiliar space to lie down. he was over by the door a minute ago giving me woeful glances and sighing a lot. then i spilled the cheerios snack mix and his slow and steady eviction has been worth it. with the speed and agility of a much younger dog, he traversed his way through the toy wasteland to be rewarded with yummy floor cheerios and pretzel sticks. which proves the old saying - put up with someone’s shit long enough, and you will be rewarded.

now, happy as a clam, he’s given up on the living room altogether and is asleep in the hallway. good dog.

for the first time in i don’t know how long i have both kids home with me today. this doesn’t bode well for my to-do list, which includes paying bills and writing a review for JCSG’s new site.

also, in the “nothing helping” pile RockBand. we played this for hours over the weekend (at aunt iowa’s). and upon our return home, hubbin went out and promptly purchased our own set. i feel tons of late nights coming on. Blitzkrieg Bop, here i come!

a.) stephanie meyer’s Twilight series. always a sucker for the vampire novel. always, always, always! with the exception of that pleb mary janice davidson. i torn into these novels like fangs on an alabaster throat. they aren’t the next harry potter, since teenage vampires only appeal to a select few (and their moms). but they were fun. my only complaint is that meyer didn’t deliver the goods when it came to bella losing her virginity to edward (the vampire). but you already know all about that.

b.) toasted marshmallow jellybelly’s. damn the candy aisle at Target. as a mother of two, i am at target at least once a week. and without fail i dig into those jellybeans. i will easily drop ten bucks on a bag of toasted marshmallow mixed with bubble gum, tutti frutti and vanilla. and even though it’s a blend, i always eat the toasted marshmallow ones first. and just so you don’t think i’m a total pig - i do share the beans with boo and a ten buck bag lasts about two weeks. so it’s only every other trip to target.

c.) facebook. i have rekindled many a long lost friendship because of FB. my top three: colby, the boy, and fultzie. where else can you be a fan of adrien brody and chat with a girlfriend in denver?

d.) wall-E. if you haven’t hightailed it to this sleeper tear-jerker you are missing out. one of the best love stories in modern times. boo picked out a wall-E book at the library and it’s the first one we read off the pile. hubbin read it and said great, now that i’ve read the book (all seven pages) i don’t have to see the movie. you have to go for the production value, said i. this has production value! he exclaimed, and pushed the button so the little twinkle lights on the book lit up.

e.) rachel’s yogurt. from it’s sexy black packaging to the fact that it is not made with corn syrup. what’s not to love? pomegranate acai makes licking the spoon seem like a sex act.

over the past week or so (basically since i started the new meds), i’ve had very man-specific dreams. the only bothersome part about it is that hubbin isn’t on the list.

a.) PT - always with the PT, always out of reach
b.) Chris Robinson - my rock-n-roll angel, never interfering, only guiding. “Not that way darlin’, this-a-way…”
c.) hubbin’s brother - i know, i know! i don’t dream about my own hubbin, but his brother makes the list. he’s always driving.
d.) steege - off in the distance, as in real life.
e.) the buns - everything, everything, everything gets cut short because of the buns.
f.) adrien brody - always there telling me something important that i instantly forget. then i spend the rest of my time seeking him out, running into everyone else and playing basketball, trying to find him to ask him “could you repeat that?”.

for so long i didn’t have dreams that i could remember. they were just the abstract catalogues of my mind untwisting itself. and for so long i didn’t want to sleep - i think people who have experienced a trauma get like that. in a world where, it seams, the reality of it has dropped out from under us, sleep is one of the things still in our control. so i push myself too far, unhealthy, before i give myself over.

and most of the time falling asleep is just an exercise of futility and anxiety. i think to myself, it’s 10 o’clock now, if i fall asleep this instant, i’ll get at least two hours before boo wakes up, crawls into our bed and kicks me in the back trying to get comfortable. then it will be another half an hour before i get back to sleep (since she tosses like a salad). and if i’m asleep by one, that gives another solid three hours before the buns wakes up. then when the buns wakes up a little after four, i spend 30-45 minutes trying to get him back down. then i crawl back into bed, pushing spindly little legs out of the way, and toss and turn until buns wakes up again an hour later, so i can poke hubbin so he can get up. then i sleep between 5:15 and 6:45 when boo wakes up and wants something.

one of the reasons i’m such a joyless bitch is that i haven’t slept more than a five hour stretch in five or six months. buns used to sleep through the night, when he was in his car seat, but he’s too big for that now and it only buys us an extra hour when we can get him to do it. and sure, buns sleeps during the day, but to ensure the two hour naps he needs, he has to be sleeping on you. which i don’t mind, i’ll lay down on the couch and read or snooze. but a 30 minute snooze isn’t long enough. i wake up more tired and angry that i didn’t sleep longer.

aunt iowa said it took her years, years! before she wasn’t sleep deprived. so looks like a long road ahead.
“Not that way, darlin’ this-a-way.”

yesterday i was awake and doing stuff from 5AM to midnight. seriously. i know this is probably a normal day for some college students, but it kicked my ass.

it wouldn’t have been so bad if i hadn’t agreed to pick up my Dad and annie oakley from the airport at 10PM. that was a mistake.

thankfully, it’s just me and the buns today and he likes sleeping on me so it’s a good time to just sit still and let him do that.

boo has an imaginary friend who lives in the toy closet down in the basement, her name is Jezebel. she isn’t so much an imaginary friend as she is a ghost, but a nice ghost. funny how Jezebel turned up as talk of the “new school” came into play.

so buns woke up chipper as a lark around 4AM. sweet mama here thankfully got him back to sleep, only for him to wake up again twice as happy as before at 4:45. hubbin took the kids to see his mom this morning so i could sleep in. so i slept until noon, and now my day is all fucked up. i got up and showered and had a bowl of Total. then hubbin came home and wanted to “get at least something done today.”

so we fed the buns and went to target with a big of stuff to return and exchange from boo’s b-day bash. one of my most productive target experiences ever! and the cute little gay-boy check out kid was so adorable i want to invite him home for dinner.

now i feel like it’s nap-time and hubbin wants to light up the hibachi and throw some salmon steaks on. just doesn’t feel right today, like i’m missing three hours of my day and it’s going to reappear around 2AM.

i didn’t feel it coming on the way i usually do, but i can’t say i was surprised.

so, after a year of not dealing with it, i got the big P. and i feel like i’ve been dumped from the “new mom” category into the “normal woman” category. it’s nice.

also, on the legal side of things…hubbin and i “got our affairs” in order the other day by signing the final copies of our Wills, etc. and something weird came up that i reacted very strongly to.

in our Wills, there is a catch-all clause, which basically says if something very, very, horrible happens and the four of us are together and no one survives, our estate is then given in equal shares to our remaining heirs and heirs-in-law. half to my side, half to his basically. and i thought if the plane goes down while we are all on it going to AZ my Dad and that shitbag other son of his would get half of what i got from my Mom and half of what hubbin and i have built together.

i got two words….FUCK NO!

i was so adverse to the idea that i made the lawyer change both Wills to say that my half goes to my Aunt Iowa, because i feel deep down in my heart that that’s what my Mom would want. and i trust Aunt Iowa to distribute things evenly amoung my remaining nieces and nephew.

but it was unnerving having that strong of a reaction. the things with my dad are slowly working themselves out because i’ve made a huge effort to approach it as a “long con”. just plant little ideas until he gets the big idea and then it’ll be like he thought of it all himself in the first place. isn’t the best approach with all men though?

poop! it didn’t come.