mydarlingcurse.com

ok my darlings, here is where i admit to being a helpless idiot.

i’m sure lots of people know what all the stuff on their blog is, and how to use every last bit of their publisher and stuff and i am here to tell you that i am not one of those people.

i see incoming links to my site and while i see then and read them and understand them, a lot of times they don’t sink in.

that said it was to my charming surprise that i noticed Kate Hopper had linked to me on her site. Kate is one of those people that i really wish i were friends with, and not someone i knew just in an academic sense. i have the same problem elsewhere in my life….”gee, if you weren’t my parole officer, i’d bet we’d be great friends.” you get my drift.

so thanks for sending peeps my way. kate really is a darling of the underground press.

rejoice my darlings rejoice!
i just got out of a conversation with a Jehovah’s Witness and it wasn’t horrible!
hand to god, i speak the truth!

the weird thing is, is that i’ve known this person for a couple of years and while i don’t generally discuss religion with anyone, i know pretty much what faith most of my friends are. this one took me by surprise.

our conversation started because she asked if the “No Solicitors” sign on my front door was meant for Jehovah’s Witnesses.

“No”, i sighed, “That’s pretty much for everyone. Since the hail storm, these creeps come out of the woodwork, roofers and siders, etc.”

“Oh, because you know I’m a Jehovah’s Witness, right?”

aaaaaahhhhhh, she was already in the house…….and i thought, shit! i’m fucked.

we talked a little bit about it, but mostly we talked about moving away from the faith of our childhood and then coming back to it later in life. she seemed to have a pretty good attitude about having door slammed in her face, because i asked her. then i asked her about the number above. that’s what they believe, only 144,000 get to go up….the rest of us stay here. made me wonder, i’m pretty sure i’m not one of the ones jebus has his eye on. probably because i call him jebus.

maybe i’m being a ninny, but i think it’s too hot outside. so hot in fact that i don’t think the kids should be outside for very long. i’m sure warm and humid air is good for something - i mean, look at all the old folks down in florida. but to me it’s just gross. and yeah i get it that kids don’t care about stuff like that, but parents should.

so am i a bad/evil mom for not encouraging my almost three year old to play outside? am i just projecting concern over the weather to cover up my own laziness and aversion to hot weather? i mean she’s not ten, it’s not like i can let her outside and have her entertain herself. she needs supervision, so if she’s in the heat, we’re in the heat. and like i said, hot weather like this is gross.

i had a realization today that i’m just passing through. nothing sticks to me, i stick to nothing. there is no lasting impression i make on things around me, and i forget events and conversations almost instantly. i guess you could call this living in the moment, but it seems more like a creepy mental illness to me.

i get that it’s all about the kids, that i have a three month old that needs me, that i nurse and cherish. that it’s temporary. but what’s going to be left of me in two years when he’s a toddler and boo is a kindergartner? who is that chick going to be? do i even care at the moment? not really, but i do think about it.

i guess i just miss being interesting and funny and new to someone.

fabulous vodo-esque webcrush where are you? not that that would help. but it would be something.

something else has to happen to me. beyond kids and fighting with the chicago cowboy(aka the chicago ex). is it wrong that i’m not content with BCB with JCSG being enough of an outlet?

will mydarlingcurse ever be more than an emotion tampon and mental vomitorium?

stay tuned….

yeah, i’m not a big celebrator of the 4th of july. it’s probably my least favorite holiday. maybe because it’s mandatory. and i’m all about breaking the rules. it’s just loud and hot and not in a good adrien brody kind of way.

well, it’s only taken me three years but after two kids, no job, and gaining about 70 pounds, i have resigned myself to being a stay at home mom and housewife.

and while there is a weight off my shoulders admitting that, i take no pleasure in it.

i love my kids, we have a great time together. i have worked my ass off this last week trying to reconnect with boo and make sure she feels loved and attended to the way the buns does. she’d be acting out and with the sleep issues, we were constantly fighting. things are better now and in a moment of moments, she wiggled herself under the buns’ toy bar, hugged him and told him she loved him and “i love being your big sister”. the alaskan poet stood witness. made me proud to be her mom.

and i need to embrace more of that.