mydarlingcurse.com

i’m bored to tears. there is plenty to do around here, the entire house could be dusted, but i don’t have any motivation for anything. i feel toxic and prickly. i simply feel like i only take up space - a large amount of space, but more on that in a minute.

i love my children. i would kill and be killed for them. i went through so much to bring them into our lives and for whatever reason i feel sad and guilty when they don’t complete me. granted, they aren’t supposed to. not at all. but being a stay at home mom just isn’t for me. i mean, i’m not a huge success someplace else in my life where being able to stay home is a luxury. hubbin and i decided that this is what we would do, that he would work and i would stay home (not that that’s not work). it’s just so menial and ungratifying. i can’t be happy everyday. i just can’t. it’s no longer in me or a part of who i am.

i feel orphaned by my family and abandoned by most of my friends. i feel than hubbin does only the minimum required and i have completely shut down. i never have a minute to myself without one of the kids needing something so why bother. even now as i type buns is crying and working out some gas and boo is impossible to please since she only slept for less than an hour during nap.

i also hate the body i’m in. i weigh more now than i did at the height of my pregnancy and that is enough to make me want to cut myself.

poor me.