mydarlingcurse.com

yesterday i had to pick up boo from daycare with the buns. this scared the crap outta me because buns is two weeks old and a daycare full of kids is just pure pestilence. if i could have put him in a bubble, or leave him in the car i would have. needless to say, it wasn’t horrible. i kept him in his car seat and shoo-ed away all the grubby hands and faces that swarmed upon us, including boo who was a right mess.

i had grand plans yesterday afternoon and evening. i was going to take boo to target and then bathe both kids. i was going to have them tucked in and asleep by 8:30PM. and it all went to shyte. but on the way home from daycare, in a rare moment when i get to listen to my own music and not some disneysillysongs crap, Magnet popped on with Hold On and i started crying.

i love it when the perfect song comes on and makes your day even if it’s sad and uplifting.

also, in the rock-n-roll department - i had a dream last night that i had Chris Robinson’s phone number and we were cell phone pals. the only part of the conversation that i remember is him being stoned (what?! nooo…) and bitching about the upcoming election. i kept reminding myself to joke about the arranged marriage between boo and his little one, Ryder.

so sleep depravation has set in and i feel like i’m constantly blinking and seeing bugs. like a little black spot out the corner of my eye and vroom, it’s gone. weird.

i read something on Kate’s momblog that totally made me feel validated as a nursing mother. she referenced nursing her newborn as “feeding the shark”. this is so true it should be carved into a stone tablet and brought down a mountain by some old jewish guy.

feeding the shark - chomp slurp, chomp slurp, chomp slurp. i unhook my bra and hear the theme from Jaws. god bless ya Kate.

buns weighed in again today, he’s over eight pounds, but they had to put silver nitrate in his belly button since it was still oozing blood and gunk and smelled - kinda like chum. poor little buns and his silver beebo.

speaking of sleep deprived, boo is feeling the effects too. i don’t think she is so much deprived as she is overly tired. what’s the difference you ask? well, here is what i think. sleep deprived children aren’t getting nearly enough sleep. they go to bed too late and wake up too early and don’t nap well. overly tired children, probably get close to the amount of sleep they need, but are still short, but not by much. when i think of a sleep deprived child i think of one whose parents let them stay up late and then wake them up at 6:00 in the morning to get them out the door so they can go to work. when i think of an overly tired child, i think of one who just had a baby brother come home two weeks ago. and is waking up at night when mom feeds the baby. and a kid whose bedroom is kinda connected to the parents room, and there is no door or sound barrier, so is woken up easily by a 1:45 AM search for diapers.

who am i kidding? i mean, i would hate to admit that i have a sleep deprived child, but am i snowing myself here?

yesterday was a good day. a good confidence building day. i was a little concerned that buns was asleep for most of it, but it all worked out.

my family of four took a walk yesterday. buns in the stroller, tucked in, with a hat, dozing and breathing fresh air. boo with her sunglasses on, on her trike, being cool. we walked to the park and ran into some neighbours. i played on the swings and tickled boo as she went down the curly slide. we came home, i made dinner, and then we all got baths. buns did awesome. last week he promptly pooped when we dunked him in the tub. this caused something like a bio-hazard fire drill as i was covered with the stuff and so was boo. and since we used most of the hot water for the tub, i took a cold shower scrubbing myself down and boo whined while we tried to explain why bathtime was over and daddy was wiping her down with a cold washcloth outside of the tub.

needless to say, last night went much better. boo was fresh and clean and out of the tub by the time hubbin handed me the buns. then i wrapped his bum in a washcloth to help contain anything that might pop out. he LOVED it being in the water. boo did too, and it was amazing to see the similar look of comfort and delight. he looks so much like her sometimes it’s scary.

and after a long walk in fresh air, a bath, and some yummy mommy milk buns conked out and slept for almost four hours giving all of us a much needed long stretch of sleep. boo slept well too - although she’s back in our bed at night. i guess you have to pick you battles.

i only hope the sun breaks out again today. it’s amazing how much a little sunshine helps in these postpartum days.

while i am getting very, very tired, i’m not at the anxiety/panic attack stage yet. it’s got it’s nail on the chalkboard though, let me tell ya.

i am so thankful to have people in my life with more than one child. buns is doing awesome, but i feel like i’m slow to bond with the little guy. i am jealous of hubbin’s time with boo, and when i’m with buns, i want to be with boo, and when i’m with boo it’s only a matter of time before i need to be with buns. i don’t mind splitting my time, but is either one getting 100%? no.

that’s just the way it is.

every mom that i’ve talked to with a second child has told me, i’ll come around. the bonding will happen, things will settle down, the routine returns. in so many way i didn’t want boo to be alone, i was an only child and at times it really sucked (still does). but now i’m scared that buns will be the forgotten child, the after-thought, and i sooo don’t want that. for two and a half years we’ve been at the beck and call of one little girl, now she’s usurped - and while she doesn’t care, it’s a huge adjustment for me.

hubbin reassured me that middle children turn out ok (being a middle child he speaks with authority), and everyone does it. I see people do it who probably shouldn’t and it works, so why don’t i believe it will work for me? i guess i don’t believe i can do it all on my own. i mean, i have to, so i will, but i think that everyone else does it with a certain amount of help; which we don’t have. i KNOW neighbors and friends will help if called upon, but i want that intrusive help i was so accustomed to with my Mother. like she’s show up and clean the kitchen and tell me to start some laundry while she put the kettle on. just Mom stuff.

i guess i’m not ready to be “the Mom” yet. even though i am. i still want to be mommed. i need someone to help take care of me while i feel the weight of taking care of everything/one else. i just miss they way she’d come over and make me feel special.

i feel like my time with my daughter is done. we were best pals and now we don’t spend any time together. i realize that i just had a baby and that i need to take care of him. but i think part of what was stabilizing me was her. she was an anchor for me and now i feel like i’m lost. it scares me how much i need her, how much i needed the routine.

now that’s all shot to hell - the routine. i just want my special time with her back. but there is SO much to do now. it’s constant - natch. and i just want to sit and read with her and be with her, and it hasn’t happened yet. i know it’s coming. i guess my patience runs low.

buns is doing great. we too him to the doctor yesterday and he’s not gaining as much weight as they’d like. so we take him back in for a weight check on friday. i feel like i’m doing something wrong with nursing. i made the mistake with boo of just letting her have at it. i’d nurse for 20-30 minutes each side and then wonder why i was exhausted when she’s be hungry an hour later. with buns it’s like 10-12 minutes and then i switch him to the other side. he’s eating every two hours and has nice long stretches at night, like 3-3 1/2 hours. but it makes me wonder if he’s getting enough. we’ll see on friday.

i’m so glad that he’s here. but i’m so incredibly scared. it’s good, but i’m terrified. i feel like i’ve lost my connection with my daughter and that prevents me from connecting with my son. i’m so worried about her, that maybe i’m not enough worried about him. i don’t know how else to explain it.

hubbin took boo to daycare today and then went to work, so it’s just me and buns. there seems to be plenty to do though, i can’t in good faith just sit and snuggle all day - although that’s all i want to do. the construction guys are here today and there is laundry and stuff.

guh - am i just a hot mess or what?