eggs in the snow?
easter sunday with fresh snow? come on!
while i love seeing my boo and hubbin bundled up to the hilt sledding down our hill, her squeals of delight and him rubber necking to make sure i saw it, easter sunday with fresh snow? come on!
last night was brutal, i thought i was in labor. 4 hours (from 2:30AM - 6:45AM) spent squirming and panting and at one point actually pushing because i couldn’t take much more. nothing happened. i thought my water would break, or the contractions would get more consistent, but nope. i’d have 30 minutes of back to back to back contractions and then it would stop and just as i was about to settle in - thinking it was all over, the menstrual like cramps would kick in, my back would scream and it would start all over again.
needless to say, i’m fucking exhausted. and here’s the deal, i am so fucking anxious about NOT getting any sleep last night that i’ve had two major breakdowns today. one was because at 7:30AM when i decided a bath might be good idea, there was no hot water. the second came later, as the contractions ceased and i sat down for a proper cuppa around 10. that one was valid. i saw boo’s little princess crown - it says Birthday Girl - and i thought about how soon bunny’s birthday is coming up. and i imagined holding bunny and singing The Birthday Song. and BAM! tears. my mom’s not here.
if my mom were here, all these little worries and things nagging at me would be addressed and taken care of. she’d help me get my shit together and execute my plans, and without her - especially now - it’s just unbearable. thankfully, hubbin gets it. as i sob and choke, he understands my loss. but - in true shining knight form - he reminds me that in a few days i will be holding our new little one, watching them sleep and all will be right. i’ll feel that maternal presence inside of me swell and there over my shoulder Irish Eyes will be smiling down from heaven, telling me - baby is perfect, you’re a wonderful mom, i’m here in my own way.
i just miss her.
and here come the tears again.