weird, good shit
first of all, Rock of Love 2 is just workin’ my shit. i love the Bret’s Mud Bowl episode. to see girls like “Wha? Football, isn’t that like, gross?” and then ten minutes later be like “This is my game and I’m all over these bitches” is beyond ridiculous. secondly, why would anyone pick Daisy? she’s obviously Bret’s fave, why pick her when you know someone has to be left out with no chance of a date? seems to me some of the skanks are not as smart as i maybe hoped i’d imagined them to be. thirdly, no one eliminated? AWESOME! i so want Payton to bring down Megan about the note stuff. Payton would be a BFF in my California world. and finally, Rodeo on the next episode with two of them getting the boot - cool! i just hope she makes more of an appearance than Lacey - cuz that roller derby shit was lame.
then, in speaking with psycho jen today i finally felt connected to another human being. as much as i complain and bitch about the girl, she is my BFF, the closest thing i have to a sister. and she TOTALLY got it when i explained about the zsa zsa zsu being gone with the English Teacher. she has a similar experience with an old flame that she is now good friends with. that feeling of “what did I ever see in this bloke?” is hard enough, but when someone else gets it, it’s awesome. i’ve felt really isolated lately and talking to her this morning just made me feel human and better.
now for the crazy/weird/dream shit. skip this part if you aren’t into bizzaro pregnancy i’ve been off meds too long stuff.
before ROL2 came on, i watched a little bit of Scott Baio is 46 and an Asshole - or whatever that show is. and his GF is preggers and they cart her off to the hospital and she’s in labor and isn’t dialating and has to have a c-section. and watching this puts me into a huge panic/anxiety attack. like, that’s kinda what happened to me last time, and i’m already freaked out about this time, and i was practically in tears. thankfully, JCSG was online and i chatted with her until i calmed down and hubbin came up with laundry. but this incident seemed to start an unholy chain of events that i never really shook off until around nine this morning. i talked to hubbin a little bit about it, and natch he said, not to worry. which didn’t help.
then i had a really hard time getting comfortable and falling asleep. i updated my iPod and watched a few episodes of Extras, but it was after two before i settled down. then boo comes in around 3:30 and i’m up again with fake contractions until almost five. and it was in that short blip of sleep that i had a horrible dream. i dreamt that the baby, bunny, was deformed with a grotesque mouth with beaver teeth and i had it nurse it - while still in my body - through a weird mouth hole in my foot. which means i had to get my foot up to my boob and watch this beaver-baby mouth emerge from my foot and bite and suck and nurse and i was just mortified. i woke up more panicked and freaked out, if that was possible.
now i’m on little sleep, tending a rowdy two-year old, because she slept fine!, and nervous and anxious. and guess what? it’s all normal. it’s normal to feel this way. and i have such a hard time wrapping my twisted liquid head around that right now. how CAN this be normal? i NEVER had such horrific dreams with boo. it’s so superstitiously unlucky to give to a baby with teeth - how will i cope? and yeah, i get it! it’s NORMAL. but what do you when normal doesn’t feel remotely right? why doesn’t normal feel comforting? how come i am gaining NO confidence from “normal”?