mydarlingcurse.com

i was surprised to find out yesterday just how much personal energy it takes to accept and tolerate things and situations in my life. i am constantly working on trying to come to peace with several situations that are completely beyond my control, but that some how ooze into my life.

granted, i can no longer express with any level of comfort what is going on with half of it, at least not here (super secret blagh where are you?). but it still has a negative effect on a part of my life, and people very close and extremely important to me. i am fiercely protective of those i care about and love, and not just my little boo and the pending bunny.

and honestly, i have enough shit to deal with. i’m having a baby. and i somehow need to figure out how i’m going to do that with a two year old, by myself. i don’t have family i can lean on, i don’t have friends that come to my rescue. i do have hubbin, but part of all of this is him dealing with some of his own external factors. and it kills me to see him struggle with it every damn day.
so i use what little energy i have tolerating that situation and lending whatever support i can.

i just have such a low opinion of people who refuse to help themselves. i get that it’s not that easy. believe me i know. but while i was spending four years bitching about not having a family we were listing with an adoption agency and seeing a reproductive specialist. i never once though “well, it’s out of my hands”. fuck that. this is MY life, I am in control. so to see people, who i KNOW know better, just allow themselves to be victimized by their own doing…christ….it just makes me sick.

more later…