mydarlingcurse.com

so i have been purposefully not talking about baby A on here since i got back from arizona. i think i’ve been pretty clear about how conflicted i am about the whole thing. and i’ve tried really hard to balance that with care and the love that i have for all involved. especially baby A.

while i was in arizona i came to the realization that it’s probably best for everyone involved if i remove myself as much as possible from the entire situation. currently, i am further along in my pregnancy than Crazy SIL was when baby A was born. and i can’t help but think - when i remember looking at baby A in the isolette - that’s about the size of bunny. what’s out in the world working so hard and struggling so much is safe inside of me, protected and continuing to grow. baby A is being supported by artificial systems that are a poor substitute for the real deal and bunny is getting all the benefits of staying tucked inside. but it could be us. who knows what can happen.

now, i don’t keep myself up at nights thinking these things, so don’t worry. but those thoughts seem to have an effect on ALL of my dealings with the whole baby A situation. i ask too many questions, questions they don’t know or don’t want to know the answers to. all along i have been thinking the biggest challenge for this little guy is going to be lung development and respiratory issues. and guess what, it’s here. he has a Staph infection either from heart surgery or from being on the ventilator. and they diagnosed him with pneumonia.

we haven’t been to seen him since before we went to arizona. i am ok with that. i’d love to go and tell him that i love him and that it’s going to be ok. but i guess he’s really sensitive… touch, light, sound, everything. and with an infection and pneumonia, i don’t want to chance it. and i don’t know if i could go. it seemed easier when i was less pregnant.