worth the effort? hmmm…..
so despite being absent from the Vodo’s class for no less than a month, i put on my big girl panties, cracked out 10 pages of not crap and went to class. and seriously, my stomach was in knots. i love being home with boo, but my total and complete lack of adult interaction, i feel, makes me come off as desperate and strange.
i long daily to talk to other adults - about meaningful topics - and use my brain. sure it’s fun and cute jotting down boo’s adventures, but i feel like i have nothing to contribute, nothing of value anyway.
when i walked into to Vodo’s class, two classmates said something to effect of “should you even be here?” granted they were kidding, but they were totally right. probably not. i can tell you that i’ve read all the stories that i’ve gotten while i’ve been gone, but i haven’t had time to make comments.
i’ve had friends blow me off because they’ve been “too busy”. and my reaction has always been yeah right, busy my ass. when i have the time to explain to people what the last month of my life has been like, they are silent. i don’t want to make excuses for myself, but i’ve honestly been out of town or deathly ill. being seriously sick is such a drain on your energy, and adding five months of pregnancy on top of it…well just typing it makes me tired.
so should i have been in class last night - probably not. i should have just accepted the fact that i’ve completely failed in my attempts at being a grown-up and doing grown-up things, things for myself. but i simply cannot resign myself to life as a housewife and full-time mom. it’s not in me.
i love my family more than anything, and i would give my life for all of them. but to give up my life? that’s a hard one.
so i try. maybe not well, but i am trying.