mydarlingcurse.com

i went to see my Crazy SIL and baby nephew yesterday.

baby boy is in a pod in the NICU.

he has a tube down his throat to help him breathe.

he has a tube in his belly button for fluids.

he also has something on his foot, a monitor maybe, but i’m not sure.

he’s tiny.

ten fingers, ten toes.

but he’s still a 24 week old baby outside the womb.

he’s fighting.

he is moving his little limbs - and usually they would knock against uterine walls - but now they seem to be floating in space.

i’m surprised he has bones.

his eyes are still fused shut - this is a good thing.

he has a name and it’s lovely.

he has an auntie and uncle that love him very much.

he’s tiny.

he’s fighting.

he’s so tiny.

my Crazy SIL had to have an emergency c-section early saturday morning and gave birth to a 1 lb. 3 oz. baby boy at 23 weeks and 6 days. from what i’ve heard baby is doing well.

this is the drama that started brewing while i was in ireland. she’s been in the hospital for almost two weeks now. apparently when she went in for her 20 week ultrasound, they noticed that her cervix was funneling. they told her she needed to have a stitch placed in her cervix to prevent it from dialating. they took her to the hospital and before they could schedule the surgery, her water broke. however, she did not go into labor at that time. she spent a week in the hospital before the emergency c-section.

i have so many thoughts about all of this. it’s hard to sort them all out. i am glad that baby is doing ok, but i can’t like feeling he shouldn’t be here yet. and it’s going to be hard to seperate this experience from my own. i just had my 18 week check-up and things are great with bunny. but who is to say that in four weeks that couldn’t change? also, and this is the most difficult for me - there were signs early on that something might not be completely OK with this pregnancy. not only with the deal at boo’s b-day, but apparently she had an ultrasound a few weeks before the 20 week one and they told her there was a problem with her cervix then.

so without blame, i can’t hep but wonder if any of this could have been prevented.

i pray for this little soul - fighting and struggling for life - but there is something so very wrong with a baby being born before 24 weeks. so wrong. i hope he makes it, i truly do. i just don’t think we are out of the woods yet, not by a long shot.

i have been mired in illness and drama since i’ve been back from ireland. and i’m sorry about that, because a lot has been going on and i have much to say, but sadly no voice - since my throat is still sore.

first things first though - hubbin and i went to see the completely lovely Magnet last night. he only played for about 45 minutes which was only enough to make me excited, but then leave me completly unstatisfied. typical. and he played “my darling curse”. which got me to thinking, i’ve never quite explained my reasons for starting this blog or naming it thus.

i stated this blog during my years (yeah, you read that right, years) of infertility. hubbin and i tried everything under the sun to get pregnant and when that didn’t work, we went to a doctor and then another doctor and went on pills and shots and you name it. it was horrible at the time, but now with my two year old playing at my feet, it seems distant. very much real, but not who i am anymore.

i had just discovered accuradio.com at the time and they had this birtish sadboy station. that is where i first head Magnet. i got two of his albums and when i heard “my darling curse” it felt like it was written for me. lyrics like “all this time, i climb the walls, i never gain an inch at all.” and “my broken heart won’t restart whenever i read what’s in my chart”. that last one brought me to my knees. because there was no apparent reason for our infertility, and one year i had been to the fertility clinic 54 times. we tried six cycles of IUI to no avail. and the first time we did IVF it didn’t work. so the words in this song described my feelings exactly because there were times when i was so frustrated and alone, i couldn’t speak. Magnet and his music did it for me.

and when JCSG and i hooked up and became friends i was really turned on by the idea of a blog. granted, she’s much better at it that i am, but i felt like it was the right thing to do for me, like it was the prefect outlet. not that i cared if anyone read it, it was out there, it was out of me and somewhere valid and that’s all i needed. so mad props to my favorite bitch.

so i named the blog after the song. and there is the origins for mydarlingcurse.com.

seeing Magnet last night was exactly what i expected it would be. a tall handsome man with a guitar singing sad songs and pulling at my heart. after he got everyone up and clapping for “the gospel song” i yelled out “you rock even!” to which he replied “i don’t much feel like a rocker, i’m more of a roller”. i called back “roll on brother!” and the meager crowd cheered. and so went my first and only conversation with Magnet to date. he then went on to play “my darling curse” as if i secretly asked for it.