on why i didn’t cry
yesterday (11 november) was the one year anniversary of my Mom’s passing. i told hubbin at one point, i don’t even remember what i was doing a year ago. i know i packed up her things at the hospital (the bag is still packed, unopened in a spare room), i know i came home and slept. but as for specifics - i’m lost.
and in true Mother fashion, we went to church yesterday. she gets all the credit for bringing back into the flock. slootie and the kids and hubbin and boo and i all went. KK and Bubba are in Religious Ed. classes and they HATE it. but we all go together and then do brunch afterwards.
we headed to granite city for yummy cheesy hashbrowns and to watch the vikings get trounced. afterwards i dropped of hubbin and boo and went to the cemetery.
the headstones aren’t in yet, but that’s ok. i know where she is. and as i sat there, listening to crowes and watching squirrels, i could hear a familiar voice in my ear, saying “don’t make this my day”. i know for a fact that my mom doesn’t want us to do sad, mopey things on this day. she doesn’t want to be remembered for her death, but for her life. and i know that, but i still felt the need to go to the cemetery anyway. mainly so that if i was going to breakdown, i could do it safely and not have to explain anything.
so she loves the fact that we went to church, loves it. and she loves that hubbin and boo and i went outside to play for hours. we did things that, if she were here, she would have taken great simple pleasure in.
i still miss her terribly. but i didn’t cry yesterday. she kept telling me not to, that she didn’t want that - and with the holidays coming up, i’m sure i’ll have some random crying jag in the toy aisle in Target.