mydarlingcurse.com

i couldn’t help but feel like maybe i shouldn’t be there at all - that it was a private time, that it’s not my baby, that i might be stepping on toes - but there are no toes to step on. Crazy SIL called me this morning and left me a voicemail asking if i was going to the hospital today. and after about 45 minutes of doing everything but call her back, i did. and she asked me if i could stop by the nurses station of her old room (she was discharged yesterday) and see if they had her cell phone charger.

this was beyond odd to me.

i mean, i’m the one who eventually brought up my whole reason for going to the hospital - baby A. and then she’d talk about him, but it was super weird. and that is when i got the feeling like, should i even be doing this at all?

and the answer is yes, but i didn’t get that reassurance until i walked into baby A’s room in the NICU.

thankfully, Grandma and i are on the same page, feeling like someone needs to be there everyday. and there does, there absolutely does. and it should be his parents. but for reasons beyond my comprehension, his parents aren’t there. and that fact is what is causing a lot of problems for me.

Grandma was there too, and we ooo-ed and ahhh-ed over the little guy for a little while. he was super snuggled in today, which i think is good thing - and he’s safe and warm and was very comfortable looking. she and i chatted for a little bit and i said at one point, you know, i think it’s good just having him hear us talk. he knows we are here with him. she agreed.

i had brought some of boo’s lesser favorite books to read to the little bug. more story books which she no longer sits still for, rather than the picture books she now knows by heart. i suppose he wouldn’t care if i read him the wall street journal, but it’s got to be a least interesting for me. =)

i introduced myself to his nurses and asked about how he was doing. Crazy SIL was able to fill me too when i talked to her, but i think it’s always good to talk to the nurses too. yesterday’s ultrasound revealed a small “grade one” brain bleed. the nurse talked me through it, grade one being the most moderate, grade four the most severe. they will keep doing ultrasounds to watch it. the nurse said the bleed was tiny and most of the grade one bleeds resolve themselves on their own. so that was good news.

what is not so good is that he has a tiny hole in his heart, which i common probably for his gestational age, and in the womb it would be no big deal, but since he’s out they need to treat it. if it doesn’t start to close with drug treatment, they will have to do heart surgery to close it up. i can’t imagine heart surgery on something so tiny. do they make instruments that small? for animal tests maybe but christ, that choked me up.

i am so glad that i went though. i read him some stories and we talked for a bit. i told him i would be back on saturday and i’d read more to him then. i told him that i loved him, and that if i could reach and touch him i would. i’d hold him and smooch him, but that it can wait for now. but that he better hurry and get big so we could cuddle. and his little arm seemed to float up and reach for my voice, and then he snuggled back in.

sweet little guy.