mydarlingcurse.com

hubbin left for little rock last night, and a strange calm has settled over me. i love bing alone, not that i am alone, i mean boo is here. but you know what i mean. i miss hubbin, but am ok with him being gone.

the biggest test (which i passed with a B-/C+) was giving myself the progesterone injection. it’s an intermuscular shot - which means it goes through skin, through fat, and into your muscle. the needle is about an inch and a half long. i’ve never given my self an IM shot before, and it took awhile to actually do it, i sat posed with needle in hand aimed at my thigh for i don’t know how long….but i did it! go me!

i do feel a little more isolated though. sometimes hubbin is my lifeline to the outside world, he’s the one i talk to the most. but even though i’m more isolated, i don’t feel lonely. sure i wish i had people to talk to, but i’m ok with not talking. and while i have all of these grand plans, i don’t know how many of them i’ll actualy accomplish

that said, i did get to watch my new guilty pleasure bret michaels’ rock of love on VH1. and i’m crushed that rodeo was booted off. i think it was a smart move, because she was turning into a trainwreck. and i totally get why she wears the cowbot hat all the time - something has to keep the crazy in!
i was kinda glad at the bimbo brandy was voted off too - she had no chance, but hey, at least she got to sleep with a rock star!

i keep trying to make sense out of all of this, yet i want to avoid it at the same time.

after my last day of class at the loft yesterday, a few of us walked across the street to Gold Medal Park to see part of the bridge and just sort of soak it all in.

there were a lot of people there, and all we could do was just look. we walked over to the Guthrie and went up to the upper levels where we got a different, more complete view. it’s so bizzare, i mean, how does 500 feet of bridge just collapse? how does engineered steel and concrete just stop working?

i’m glad i went, it’s the minneapolis equivalent to Ground Zero, it’s a place of tragedy and heroism, and i was a block away, i guess i just felt like i needed to pay my respects.

once i came home, it was hard not to watch TV. but these images, this loss of life…it just does no good to keep saturating oneself with it. i hope that’s the lesson we leared from September 11. it’s still difficult, its like watching makes you feel involved somehow, as if you are a part of it. but why be a part of it when some many people actually were? when i have no idea, absolutely no idea what it’s like to be in their shoes.

i just hope those most affected by all of this find peace soon, that they begin to heal soon.

two years ago, at 6:05pm, i was pushing with all my might, boo was born at four minutes to seven. and while we were living our lives and hanging out at the mall celebrating boo’s birthday tragedy was unfolding across town.

strangely reminiscent of september 12, people are waking up to a different, duller, sader city today, my minneapolis has changed forever. JCSG talked about how the ground is always supposed to support you. it just seems inconceivable that a structure, a permanent part of the city, can be gone in an instant.

35W is such a part of the city, it’s how you get into downtown, it’s how i go to stillwater to see my niece and nephew. and there simply is no replacing it.

thankfully, two of the four lanes were closed so there weren’t as many cars as there could have been on the bridge. thankfully, there was construction going on, so no one was driving very fast, people could stop and that might have saved some lives. thankfully, it happened on the edge of downtown, close to the Red Cross, so the kids from bus were shepherded over there almost immediately. thankfully, it was warm out, so there were lots of people outside on the trail under the bridge, who were able to help, get survivors out of the water and help people off the bridge.

it is immposible for me to think that something so tragic happened on such a beautiful day, the day of my daughter’s birth, lammas, yesterday.

strange to think that i’m getting ready to leave my house to get cupcakes for boo’s day-care. that i’ll work out and go to class today, that life inevitably goes on.

every year on my birthday, or the eve of my birthday, my mom would tell the story of my birth. how she and my dad had tuna salad for dinner (something i’ve never eaten - and never will), and that she knew the baby was going to come soon. since my dad had night blindness, she drove herself to the hospital around 10:30pm. it wasn’t far, and being it was at night there wasn’t much traffic. she got to the hospital and gave birth at (i think) ten after one in the morning.

then the storms started rolling in. the next day they moved everyone to the basement because of tornados. she said she knew i’d be a girl and that my name would be jodie, only spelled with a “y”. if i were a boy she would have named me kyle. everyone came to see me at the hospital and they made her stay in bed for five days. HA! if only!

and last night as boo slumbered, i told her what her daddy and i were doing on “this night, two years ago”…..

i had to be induced for boo’s birth. after 10-12 hours on pitocin (commonly used to induce labor), nothing was happening. i was having contractions, but nothing monumental, i mean i was having them and still talking, so they weren’t that bad. but i wasn’t dilating, like at all. so the doctors decided that the next morning they were going to go in a break my water, to get things rolling. while that did the trick, i still wasn’t dilating. however the contractions were coming hard and fast. the called down the epidural doctor, and while i was dry-heaving (more from all the drugs than the pain), she stuck a needle in my spine. this helped immensely. after i was dialed into the epi - the doctor went in and bascially scrapped out my cervix. due to some prior surgeries, i guess i have acquired some scar tissue. this was causing the delay in my dilation. once the gunk was scrapped out, the basically had to wait for me to dilate fully. this took about three hours - most of while i slept through - gotta love those epidurals.

i only pushed for under two hours, and it wasn’t that bad, really. but boo came out with the cord wrapped around her neck, not once, not twice, not three times, but FOUR times. all the medical staff in the room said it was the longest umbilical cord they had ever seen. boo was pretty blue, but she pinked up right away. her feet and hands stayed blue longer, but she was perfect in every way.

i didn’t know whether she was a boy or a girl when she came out. there wasn’t the great TV moment of “It’s a GIRL!” i kept asking “what is it?”, and everyone said, it’s nothing, it’s totally normal. grrrr… i finally yelled at hubbin is it a boy or a girl? and he said he didn’t know. it’s a girl they said finally, and broght her over to me. hubbin went to tell the throngs of people waiting it was a girl and i heard yelling and cheering from the hallway. but i only had eyes for boo.

newborns are so alert and so quiet after they come out. they just look at you and blink and instantly start figuring out how their mouth works. it’s amazing. and where does the time go? two years seems to have gone by in a blink. the first six weeks are brutal, don’t get my wrong. and even with the death of my mom and brother, which seems like it’s own life time, things seems to be moving fast.

and since i’ve found out i was pregnant, i feel like there is even less time. it won’t juse be her and i anymore. there will be a totally new person joining us. and tha’ts just too amazing for words.

since her already had her birthday party, today i’m hoping for just some family time. hubbin is taking part of the day off, but we are limited in what we can do since she came home from day care with PINK EYE yesterday. so she’s pretty active, but not quite herself. and technically she’s still contagious - ugh! fucking day care.

more on how her actual day is later, but it’s 10AM and no one has called to wish her a happy birthday yet.