mydarlingcurse.com

it hard to put into words the amount and weight of the things that have transpired since monday evening. here is the puked up version….

monday

hubbin came home a bit early, stressed out from work. i decided we should go out, have some pasta and maybe do some shopping. i have to take my laptop in for repaires anyway, so it really was a big excuse to go to the apple store. we had dinner and went to the mall, boo has been really fiesty lately, so we were thrilled to take her to the playground at the mall. at about 7:30, i made my way over the the apple store and right as i walk in i have the sensation that i am peeing my pants and can’t stop. i stop walking and clinch my kegels, to no avail. so i bolt for the bathroom, the sensation still happening. i get there and it’s a mess of kids and moms and who is going in with who and i dash to the handicap stall in the back. i have never seen so much of my own blood before. i wasn’t peeing, i was bleeding. no pain, no cramps, no warning. it was frightening.

i didin’t have my cell phone either.

so i call out to the ladies room “does anyone have a cell phone?” and of course one of the moms does - she hands it in, asks if i’m ok. no, i say, i’m 9 weeks pregnant and bleeding, emensely. my husband is here in the mall with my daughter, i need to call him. and there is no fucking coverage in the ladies room. she takes the phone and goes and calls, he doesn’t answer, so she leaves a message. i describe him to her, so she can go find him. she also gets a security guard.

security calls an ambulance, then an undercover female cop comes in and i tell the story again, asking them to cancel the ambulance, i don’t need an ambulance. i need someone to find my husband and i need to go home. i’ll be dammed if i lose bunny in a mall bathroom.

finally, they find him, he comes in and i tell him what’s happening, boo sees me crying and gets upset, she only wants to be with me, but i’m pasty and clammy and scared and weak. thankfully, they lead me out the back way and hubbin picks me up on a loading dock - there was no way i could have walked through the mall with bloody clothes.

we get to the loading dock and the medics pull up, they didn’t cancel the ambulance. the undercover cop wants me to talk to the medics, so i do. they take my pulse and tell me i should go with them, i should go to the hospital. no i say, i’m 9 weeks, if it’s gonna happen there is nothing anyone can do about it now. he knows i’m right. hubbin says he’s taking me home and that we’ll call the doctor and the medic gives me that concerned look and i tell him that i’m ok, i asked them to call off the ambulance because it wasn’t necessary - apparently they never got the call to cancel. which makes me feel bad.

i call the doctor on the way home and i instantly panic. i made this call a month ago on Crazy SIL’s behalf, they’ll know i lied, that i’m crying wolf. i knew that shit was going to come back and bite me in the ass and here it is - karma is a bitch.

but nothing like that happens, i called them when i was released from the fertility clinic, they have a confirmed pregnancy on record. they don’t say anything about previous calls, they just page the on-call OB who tells me i can come in to the ER and get an ultrasound, or i can wait and call my doc in the morning. i’ll call my doc in the morning i say. we get home, i clean up and cry on and off for a little while. and i keep thinking to myself, i knew something like this was going to happen, i knew it.

tuesday

i call the clinic and of course they get me in for an ultrasound. i stay in bed most of the morning and call psycho jen. she’s great, but she’s also stuck on bed rest too. my dad calls and i break down. i don’t tell him what happened (he can’t handle that kind of stuff), but i tell him something isn’t right and we are going in later, that i’ll call him back when i know. i hang up and sob. i miss my mom so much i can’t breathe.

i shower and meet hubbin at the clinic, he hugs me and tells me it’s going to be ok. our doctor comes in and i tell her the story. the tech preps the ultrasound machine. she listens and takes notes, then she takes a deep breath and says “ready to have a look?”

i lay back and brace for the worst “yeah”.

the ultrasound shows a uterine hemorrhage. that’s why there was no warning, no cramps. it’s just a huge broken blood vessel. and then they pan to bunny. healthy and safe and with a storng heartbeat. i touch the screen and am dumbfounded.
how can things be fine? i don’t know, but they are. the hemorrhage is seperate from the baby. in a different part of the uterus. expect more blood, the doctor tells me. ugh. and i’m on a kind of “house arrest/bed rest” for a week, to heal.

they give us pictures of the baby, and hubbin looks down at them and says, “it’s will.” just like boo, this baby is fighting to be with us. and i almost break down again.

in all honesty, i’ve had a hard time believing in bunny. deep down, i’ve felt that this one wasn’t ours - that something was going to happen. and for that i’m truly sorry. i should have known better. i should have known that my mom has a hand in all of this and that she’d never let anything happen. and hubbin is right, it is will.

i have to stop believing that something bad is going to happen. i know it is very common to feel that way after great loss or trauma (and yes, i know i’ve had both). but it doesn’t have to. especially with something so great as having a baby. i fully admit that i haven’t alowed myself all the happiness i could. logically, how could i? but i need to open that door a little more.

so to move in that direction i am going to work on bunny’s baby book. i now have two sets of ultrasound pictures and lots to tell, so that’s something to do with the down time.

two miracle babies, what are the odds?