since we have two weeks off of mom class because of the holiday, the writting exercise is HUGE.
write ten present tense scenes on a “cluster” that we started in class. present tense??!! gah! i suck at that stuff.
thank god i have a long time to work on it.
the tops of my thighs itch and are full of needle poke prick marks. hubbin and i spent some wonderful twilight time with friends tonight and i don’t even feel like i was there. we had to take boo with us and i spent the whole time with one eye and half a brain on her. fultzie and dr. heat were wonderful. dr. heat raided her mom’s place for toys and whotnot and came up with wooden blocks and sidewalk chalk. fultzie then drew a road leading to target and then another road leading home. boo had a blast “driving” her pink plastic car and then running from target to home off-roading it all the way.
however, i can’t help feeling like i’m alone in all of this. like i’m a ghost in my own life. like i am holding on to reality based on principal alone. i am tied to the present only because of a sense of obligation and responsibility. but isn’t that what’s holding most of our heads above water?
thankfully, and almost mercifully, boo continues to feed my soul even when she’s working my last nerve. she’s simply irresistible. she’s smart, she’s funny, and she’s beautiful - wherever does she get it?
this last week in “the mom class” i read an essay written by a woman who is currently pregnant with a boy. in her essay she talks about how disappointed they are about not having a girl, a little sister for their daughter. how unsure they were about raising a boy in today’s world. she was terrified that they were about to give birth to a mini-cheney, a gun-toting, republican, that liked NASCAR. they were heartbroken that it wasn’t a girl.
wow! get over yourself - you’re having another baby!
when hubbin and i were pregnant, people asked us if we knew what we were having - “yeah, a baby” we’d say and snort like it was the stupidest question in the world. i guess in this modern world, with 4-D, HD surround-sound ultrasounds, people assumed we had found out the sex of our baby. “hell no!” i’d say, “there are so few surprised left in life - this is one of the biggest and best out there. no WAY would i want to know the sex.”
but we aren’t like most people.
i remember once during my pregnancy, we were out to dinner with friends. they were thrilled that we didn’t know what the sex of the baby was. but then she asked me if i knew. i thought i’d have a boy, so i said boy. then, something really magical happened and it made me completely beholden to be in their company.
“god,” she said, “i really hope it is a boy. i can’t imagine better parents for a male in this world than the two of you.” i almost cried. since i was speechless, she continued. “seriously, you would raise the last modern classic man.” hubbin being science, me being art, i completely agreed with her.
but honestly, i wasn’t diappointed that boo wasn’t a boy. i was so dammed grateful to finally be pregnant, i didn’t care what came out, as long as it was healthy. i can’t imagine her any other way now,of course, but as we continue to venture towards another baby - the possibility is going to present itself again. and i can say with complete conviction, i don’t care what we have. i’ll be so dammed grateful to be pregnant again, it won’t matter. i’ll be so happy that boo isn’t going to be left alone, it won’t matter.