mydarlingcurse.com

in order not to go completely bonkers this summer - staying at home with boo and having limited to no contact with other adults outside of my family, i signed up for a writing class at the loft. seemed like a good idea at the time. i have finally found my writing style (creative non-fiction) and since i had to drop class last year - my mom got really sick two weeks in and died a week later - i really wanted to get back into it.

since the class is “mother words” i thought that i’d have a lot to say, being a motherless mother and all. still considering myself her daughter, but also waking up every day to discover something truly facsinating about my own daughter. my journey into motherhood was a difficult one, and then once i had my beautiful daugter, my mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness and died when boo was only 15 months old. they only had one christmas together, one birthday. i don’t even think my mom got to see boo’s halloween costume from last year. these things are beyond tragic and i am dying to get them down. because they are all bittersweet. i want to write about them because i feel like if i don’t - the time that boo and my mom got to share together will fade from my memory. it was brief, riddled with tears and pain, but boo was one of the only people who could get my mom to laugh out loud towards the end. there was only once source of joy for mom at the end - and that was boo.

so i have definate goals for the class and i KNEW it was going to be all women - mostly stay at home mom’s or working part-time moms, etc. i mean, come on, the class is from 1 - 3 PM, who has time in the middle of the day besides stay at home moms, working from home moms, etc.

part of any class at the loft involves a round circle introdution and saying a little bit about yourself. one of the older women volunteered to go first….

“The Principal Mom” - a principal at some middle school i forgot the name of, she has seven children - five adopted and the adopted children are all black. her kids are now grown and starting to have kids of their own. she talks with great concern about the racism she and her family experience in the ’60’s and ’70’s, having a mixed family, and now she sees her grandchildren struggling with the same issues. quoteable quote in regards to racism, “it’s been over 30 years, i thought we’d be done with it by now” right on sister!

“The Pastor’s Wife” - from hopkins, has two children, one, her daughter, with downs syndrome - wrote a really touching piece about catching her daughter eating chocolate when she was not supposed to. quoteable quote - “i feel like i need to be able to hold my kids completely to keep them from harm, but they are getting older now, and don’t fit on my lap anymore.” - yikes!
sidenote - i feel that only part of our job as parents is to protect our kids - they need to stumble and fall and screw up - it’s more important to heal and teach rather than protect.

“Duckie” - because she had her toes pointed out from the entire class. one of her two children, her son, was recently diagnosed with leukemia. i can’t imagine. after her intro, she didn’t say a word for the rest of the class.

“Creepy Mom” - a modern hippie gone bad. still nursing - her daughter is two. she’s a teacher herself, so she knows what she’s doing. these kind of moms creep me out a little bit. by the age of two, children should be getting all of their nutrition from food, milk and juice. nursing this long is purely the mother’s choice and she’s doing it for herself, there is no benefit for the child. oh, but you say, what about the closemess and comfort. by the age of two you should already have an established bond with your child and she should be well on her way to being able to comfort herself. it’s selfish for a mom to nurse this long. and my god the teeth, THE TEETH!

“Cool Mom” - rode up with her in the elevator, yeah i’m lazy. i think she said she was gay and her daughter is about to be confirmed. i can’t tell you how much i love gay catholics.

“Mary Pat” - with a name like that you can just see her, can’t you. short, grey, bobbed hair, a certian librarian manner of speaking, like there is something in her mouth, but there isn’t. MP had two children, one died and the other is now an adult. here’s the bomb she dropped not five minutes after ‘Duckie” did her intro - “I hate to even say this, but my son died from leukemia.” - GAH!

“Preggers Mom” - one of these tiny little gals that you don’t know is pregnant from behind. child number two for her. she’s a freelance copywriter - see JCSG, it can be done! is so in love with being a mom, and a writer, this is her second or third time taking the class.

“The Newbie” - first time ever taking a loft class. she has one child, that she kept. the other she gave up for adoption i think when she was quite young. also claimed herself as a minority and said she was offended my Anne Lamott’s writing. none of this means anything to me, but it does speak to her passionate character.

“The Crone” - sat next to her and “The Newbie”. has some adopted children and was a foster parent. found out later that she is a doula and is helping a young woman parent her third child. the child being a product of rape. an earthy older woman who has the aura of wisdom. she and “The Cool Mom” are my favorites.

“The Stalker” - an adpotive parent who like “Preggers” has taken the class three times. she’s got to be in ther forties, but the pixie hair cut and natural beauty make her seem younger. totally the teacher’s pet.

after hearing these brief introductions i wanted to hang myself. i couldn’t believe all of the suffering such a small group of women could have. i felt incredibly guilty saying that my daughter was almost two and perfectly normal and happy.

but there was so much inner strength from these gals, and some knew they had it, and other’s didn’t. but i hope they all come to realize how amazing they are be the end of the class.

totally stolen from JCSG…is there nothing original anymore? not here, obviously.

1. my name is jodie. i have legally changed my twice so far, once when i got married and once several years later. the later change included changing the official spelling of my name from “jody” to “jodie”.

2. my dad refuses to use my legal name “jodie” and still writes “jody” when sending cards and e-mails.

3. i am married with one child and i can’t decided who i love spending time with more.

4. sometimes my husband and my daughter bug the shit out of me.

5. i take medication for depression.

6. i am over-weight.

7. i have had laser hair removal done on a couple of areas on my body and it makes me feel so much better about myself.

8. my favorite band is the black crowes. i especially have a crush on chris robinson, and feel that my love will heal him.

9. i was 35 before i got my first tattoo.

10. the first boy i french kissed died tragically in a car accident.

11. i have beautiful green eyes.

12. i have been kicked out of the tower of london.

13. i have kissed the blarney stone - twice.

14. my mom passed away on november 11, 2006.

15. my brother passed away on february 6, 2007.

16. i think my dad is the strongest person i know.

17. i actually have two degrees - not a double major - theatre and english.

18. my favorite job was working at a movie theatre.

19. i was then a waitress for six years.

20. i am a stay at home mom.

21. one of my best friends is 6′5″ and she’s a woman!

22. i rather sleep than do anything else.

23. i have a secret passion for vampire novels.

24. my drink of choice is wine, with pimms and ginger a close second.

25. i don’t ususally wear a watch, but when i do, i wear it on my right wrist.

26. i’ve always wanted to win best supporting actress, never best actress. i’m not sure why.

27. i read, i write, i watch tv.

28. one of my biggest pet peeves is people throwing their cigarette butts outside their cars. get a fucking ashtray.

29. i’ve had a raging crush on my english teacher since i was 14.

30. i can touch my nose with my tounge.

31. one time, my mom didn’t let me out of the house because i wasn’t wearing matching earings.

32. sometimes i go to church

33. in every single conversation i have i try to make people laugh.

34. if i could do anything i’d be an actor.

35. the first thing i said after giving birth to my daughter was “let’s do it again”.

36. hubbin and i are trying to get pregnant again. so see, i meant it.

today is JCSG’s birthday and i feel like a failure. last year i think i knocked her socks off so hard the are in orbit around mercury. and this year, nothing. what with telling an entire bar she puts out last year, i’ve yet to embarass her to tears this year.

true, we’ve discussed our hectic schedules. and yes we plan to get together sometime this weekend. still, it’s not the same.

JCSG is really an amazing person. and even though i don’t hang with her nearly enough, i am honored to have her in my life.

i love telling people that i have a super tall best friend. i get a kick out of seeing people’s eyes light up when i tell them that she has a superman tattoo. my secret pleasure about JCSG is making her laugh. she laughs and people two towns away smile.

so happy birthday jodi - you rock!

i seem to have caught JCSG’s birthday funk. except it doesn’t have to do with my birthday, per se. but it does have a little bit to with getting older. in one of her posts, JCSG mentions that she thinks once she turns 35 her eggs and uterus and all going to go rotten. well, we know that’s not true, but it’s a fear lots of women have.

and since i am over that magical, mythical, age of 35 - since medically, that’s the cut off. in order to do IVF i have to be under a certian weight and stay there. i’m not that far off of it, a pound or two. but honestly, i am so devestated by the whole thing i can barely think straight.

there isn’t a more taboo subject to women than their weight. i’d rather tell hubbin that i cheated on him than tell him my actual weight. that’s how bad it is for me. and no, i haven’t cheated on hubbin.

but this weight thing, my god. could i feel any lower?

and it’s totally my own fault. i can blame and make excuses and point the finger at this or that, but what it all boils down to is that fact that i do not take care of myself and will actually harm myself in order to avoid taking care of myself. that’s so fucked up i don’t even know where to begin.

when my doctor called me today to talk about the weight, what’s the first thing i did after hanging up the phone - had a piece of birthday cake. i realize that that is stress eating, but COME ON! it’s like i can’t even control myself. i hate so much being on the cusp of such crippling depression that every little thing throws me over the edge. seriously, i sat and stared for over an hour after that.

hubbin is telling me that it’s going to be okay, i can do it. and that he knows, since he’s put on weight the last year. and i can’t even tell you how different it is for men. they are practically expected to get soft around the middle when they hit their forties, but women - hell no - forty is the new twenty and you have to be fabulous.

god!

why are weight issues so devestating? i mean is there a more cruel way to hurt a woman than by commenting on her weight in a negative way? doubtful.

watch out mckellen, you big queen! after hitting redial for 45 fucking minutes, i got through and scored four tickets to each performance. i think we are taking my dad and annie oakley to king lear, and i’m not sure about the segul. it’s checkov so bring litium - uncle’s gone and hung himself in the barn.

all in all, yesterday was a good birthday. i got to have lunch with my mother-in-law and my nephew, zeno. that was awesome! i guess zeno’s mom isn’t feeding him real food yet, but auntie evil ditched that idea and taught him the sign for “more” while feeding him syrup soaked pancakes. yeah, that’s how i roll with my auntie hat on.

also, i found out that auntie iowa is coming up this weekend. it’s been a while since i’ve seen her, and i’m so touched she made a point of calling me on my b-day.

hubbin, boo and i went shopping and i got JCSG some excellent b-day gifts, her’s is tomorrow. hubbin actually picked both of them out, but i would have come across them eventually - the store we were at isn’t that big. i love finding gifts for people. i’m pretty good at remembering things people said or refrences they’ve made and i apply that to my gift giving.

then we went to big bowl for kung pow chicken - yes i know that’s not the correct spelling, but i love it so much, i gave it a little pizzaz. hubbin bought me some new ear buds and came home with a dozen pink roses (any baby wipes - which we were out of). what a guy.

the only tragedy, if you could call it that, was that i did not have any b-day cake. we had some left over from sunday, but after big bowl and two glasses of wine, i couldn’t do it. and that’s rare, since i’ll always eat a piece of b-day cake. especially if it’s mine, and i picked it out myself.

so i’m going to wrap gifts today and hope that i see jcsg sooner rather than later.

so today really is my birthday. ::sigh::

i can honestly say that turning 32 for the fourth time isn’t that big of a deal. what hurts is not having my mom around to share it. i didn’t get a phone call this morning telling me the story of how, 36 years ago, she and my dad had tuna salad for dinner and there were major storms in the area. she drove herself to the hospital around 10 PM and had me at ten to one in the morning. the next day they moved everyone to the basement because of tornados. she said she always knew i was a girl, and that my name would be jodie. except back then they spelled it with a “y”. if i had been a boy, my name would have been kyle.

the next day, my dad brought in bubble gum cigars and pink lemonade for the entire building. what a sap!

it’s absolutely gorgeous out today, i’m going to take credit for that.

and
and
AND….

at ten o’clock this morning i am going to revert back to my teen years and frantically dial the guthrie box office, over and over and over again until i get through to get tickets for sir ian mckellen performing king lear and the segull in rep. how fucking cool is that? i can’t wait!

this is how boo says “happy birthday”. she’s really cute about too. it’s always someone’s birthday. hubbin’s sister’s hubbin - let’s call him unlce montana - is about 452 years old, because for some reason, boo thinks it’s always his birthday.

but it’s not his birthday, it’s mine. my 32nd - for the fourth year in a row. my first birthday without my mom. and today, i got together with the fam for burgers and beer and cake and beer and it was great. but at one point annie oakley, me and my dad all got choked up and teary eyed talking about my mom.

and it was ok.

it’s all going to be ok, and i honetly believe that today.
one day at a time, right?