bittersweet
this weekend was tough. and i can’t believe that this will make sense - since all of this sadness and sorrow are still swirling around inside of me (how’s that for alliteration?).
the thought of sunday - mother’s day - on saturday, made me so mixed up that my mind and body shut down and i slept for most of the day. hubbin decided that at 4PM i’d better get up, so i did. but the thought of mother’s day without my mom….there aren’t words for that. and i hope hope hope with all my heart that you never really come to understand that. thankfully, it’s fishing opener, so my Dad was up at the cabin working it out with jameson and buddies. maybe i should have thought of that.
the other side is that i was filled with such euphoria and gratefulness at being a mother. few of you know what i went through to have boo. i cherish every bit of her, every iota. and to have a day in celebration of that - well, what could be better?
so when these two very intense, very specific, universes collided - there was nowhere for me to go.
i am out here floating.
i am keeping with my mom’s tradition of gardening on mother’s day. we went to bachmans and i got some things for an herb garden and some ornanmental grass. i have an aloe plant for about ten years now and every three years or so, it splits off, and these little new shoots of aloe plants come up. so i divided that up, re-potted all of them and gave the two little shoots to my neighbours.
we went to the cemetary to give my mom and my aunt flowers. i bought a bouquet to split between them, and some extra single roses.
my aunt’s grave is marked, but my mom’s and my brothers are so new i couldn’t tell which was which. there aren’t markers yet - since they both passed during the winter. and that about killed me.
one fresh grave is bad enough - but two?
i did my best - and also put a rose down for my grandmother - she died when i was seven.
and as the tears came, it started to rain slightly. probably a heavenly cloudburst right above where we were standing. my mom letting me know that she’s heartbroken too, but that it’s going to be ok. it’ll wash away at some point. it always does.