mydarlingcurse.com

i haven’t been completely honest here lately. i haven’t lied, but i am holding certian things back - even when i think it’s not there (and steege will completely agree with this) - there is a definite and solid wall around certian things inside of me.

just a moment ago, as i was hanging something up in my closet i was about to form a sentence in my mind about what i am scared of.

my dad is going in for hip surgery on thursday - total replacement. and he’s needed this for years and because of the poor health and eventual death of my mother and brother respectively, he’s put it off until now. and it struck me that if something ever happens to him, i will have no family. or family of origin as they say. i am an only child, so there was just the three of us. and now that my mom’s gone, all i have left is my dad.

yeah yeah - i have other “family”, slootie and the kids and my stoner cousin and hubbin’s family (although they are working our last nerve too). it’s just not the same and for the last 24 hours i have been on the brink of tears at how alone i am.

my dad is going to need a certian amount of round the clock care after they release him from the hospital. and while i am more than happy to do it, i have learned from my experience with caring for my mother, that i cannot take care of both boo and someone else. boo is at that age where the only way to describe her is “a very optimistic and adventurous monkey”. you can’t take your eye off of her for a second. as anyone with a toddler will tell you. you think you are gone for a second and you come back to find they have cut their hair off or decorated your new wallpaper with crayons and markers.

i can’t do both - it doesn’t work. and while it seems like a good thing to know my limitations in this, it means that i need to find someone to watch boo while i watch my dad. daycare is our most solid option and thankfully they will let us switch days, but then for evenings and last minute stuff that i might need….there is next to no one.

and that makes my heart hurt. it makes me feel like i’ve been completely abandonded by the powers that be, that because i have no real family to speak of, boo won’t either. that all she’ll have is us and honeslty - and this is the other big thing that is scaring me - i think there is something wrong with me. with my family history i feel like i will not have a choice and for whatever reason will die young. i get now why my mom was so upset about working hard for her life and then having to leave it behind. leaving it behind before you got the chance to enjoy it.

so live everyday like it’s your last and appreciate very little second you have - right? fuck that.
we’re human - we are built to take everything and everyone for granted.
if i lived everyday like it was my last, i’d be afraid to wake up and none of the stupid little mundane things wouldn’t get done.
don’t dust - live today like it’s your last!
screw laundry - appreciate the moment NOW!

i get that you have to find balance, but it’s seems so unatainable when i’ve lived my life over the last year.
i feel like i’m damn lucky that i make it through more days than not without crying. that i haven’t completely shut down and shaved my head is beyond me. do you think the nut house has call ahead seating?