mydarlingcurse.com

about a week ago jcsg posted something on her website and i made some comments (it was only a matter of time) about it, i felt bad and then i posted about it here. jcsg and i then talked about it and things are cool with us. but today when i visited her blahg, there are like a million more comments about it and women “with” children vs women “without” children and how no one has supported jcsg’s supposed decision to have a baby.

in her post - she talks about the fear of getting older and the possiblity that she might not be able to have her own children via pregnancy. as women approach the red flag age of 35….let me tell you something…. nothing happens. your eggs don’t go rotten, you don’t automatically have a child with downs syndrome, hardly anything that you’ve read or heard about is true.

however - if you have difficulty getting pregnant (the old fashioned way) at or around this age, and seek medical help in your goal to become pregnant the statistics can be a little daunting - and that is what i think gets everyone’s thongs too far up their asses. how do i know this? because at the age of 33 when i needed medical help getting pregnant, i saw the numbers. and when i went back a week ago, three months before turning 36 - i saw them again. but this time i was in that “above”35 category, and i’m not going to lie - there was a dramatic difference.

what i read into jcsg’s post was that there was a fear of getting older - that stupid 35 (and she hates the number five for some reason), a fear that she might have to get pregnant on her own - meaning needing medical help - because there might not be a man in her life. and when faced with where her desire to reproduce comes from - she herself says she doesn’t know.

so what the fuck on gods green earth caused all the commotion? i have no idea. honestly. i think that it’s all speculation at this point and people love expounding on speculation. people want to put in their own experiences and give advice and relate it to others - it’s how we connect and form bonds as fellow humans.

had jcsg said - i am seriously considering getting pregnant - and i’d like it to be soon - within the next six months - the entire jcsg blahg universe would stand up and cheer and fight to be first in line to help. but she didn’t say that - she said she was talking about her fears that it might not happen, talking about the fact that if it does, it doesn’t have to be with a man, she can do it single - she has the strength and the confidence for that. she talks about how hard and i think how sorrowful it will be to accept the fact that it might not be in the plans for her.

in my experience i’ve come across people who want to get married, just for the sake of getting married. because after living through three summers of 7-8 weddings it was time. and they married the first hunka flesh that had a steady job and asked them. my sister-in-law did this. and she wanted a baby, kinda in the same way she wanted to get married, because she was over 35, because it seemed everyone around her had one, that that’s what women are geared to do. if you can’t have kids, why not just be a man? i’ve had other friends do this too - had kids because that’s what they thought they wanted to do. do they love their kids - oh yeah. do they wish they had done things differently - yes too.

there probably isn’t a “right” time to have kids - i have a friend whose wife gets pregnant every time they go to a Packer game. and over a certian age, there probably isn’t a wrong time either. i don’t agree with 12 year olds having kids, much in the same way that i don’t agree with getting married before you are of legal drinking age. but getting pregnant - it’s a wonderful thing, and in order to get pregnant, lots of things need to happen - with or without a man. and it is in your best interest and most importantly, your baby’s best interest, to be prepared for what that might mean. that’s the heavy part, that’s the hard part - that’s the part i’d warn you about.

i haven’t been completely honest here lately. i haven’t lied, but i am holding certian things back - even when i think it’s not there (and steege will completely agree with this) - there is a definite and solid wall around certian things inside of me.

just a moment ago, as i was hanging something up in my closet i was about to form a sentence in my mind about what i am scared of.

my dad is going in for hip surgery on thursday - total replacement. and he’s needed this for years and because of the poor health and eventual death of my mother and brother respectively, he’s put it off until now. and it struck me that if something ever happens to him, i will have no family. or family of origin as they say. i am an only child, so there was just the three of us. and now that my mom’s gone, all i have left is my dad.

yeah yeah - i have other “family”, slootie and the kids and my stoner cousin and hubbin’s family (although they are working our last nerve too). it’s just not the same and for the last 24 hours i have been on the brink of tears at how alone i am.

my dad is going to need a certian amount of round the clock care after they release him from the hospital. and while i am more than happy to do it, i have learned from my experience with caring for my mother, that i cannot take care of both boo and someone else. boo is at that age where the only way to describe her is “a very optimistic and adventurous monkey”. you can’t take your eye off of her for a second. as anyone with a toddler will tell you. you think you are gone for a second and you come back to find they have cut their hair off or decorated your new wallpaper with crayons and markers.

i can’t do both - it doesn’t work. and while it seems like a good thing to know my limitations in this, it means that i need to find someone to watch boo while i watch my dad. daycare is our most solid option and thankfully they will let us switch days, but then for evenings and last minute stuff that i might need….there is next to no one.

and that makes my heart hurt. it makes me feel like i’ve been completely abandonded by the powers that be, that because i have no real family to speak of, boo won’t either. that all she’ll have is us and honeslty - and this is the other big thing that is scaring me - i think there is something wrong with me. with my family history i feel like i will not have a choice and for whatever reason will die young. i get now why my mom was so upset about working hard for her life and then having to leave it behind. leaving it behind before you got the chance to enjoy it.

so live everyday like it’s your last and appreciate very little second you have - right? fuck that.
we’re human - we are built to take everything and everyone for granted.
if i lived everyday like it was my last, i’d be afraid to wake up and none of the stupid little mundane things wouldn’t get done.
don’t dust - live today like it’s your last!
screw laundry - appreciate the moment NOW!

i get that you have to find balance, but it’s seems so unatainable when i’ve lived my life over the last year.
i feel like i’m damn lucky that i make it through more days than not without crying. that i haven’t completely shut down and shaved my head is beyond me. do you think the nut house has call ahead seating?

it has come to my attention that lili taylor would not play me in the movie of my life - apprently the part has long been promised to joan cusak.

my deepest apologies to ms. cusak.

if anyone remembers the band “groove circus” or their bass player Dig, will you let me know? they were on the minnapolis scene back in 1993.

please help.

i had this fabulous dream last night - if you don’t want to know about it, stop reading here.

when i transfered to hamilne university, my gf gilly and i got an apartment together. the summer before school started i hung-out with this wonderful guy named corey. some of my gf’s refer to him as the piglet, because he was short and got scared very easily.

anyway, one of my sweetest/lovey memories comes from my time with cord - which is what i called him. he was a long hair drummer and while we were always making out, we’d have to take “hair time-out’s”. his hair would come loose or mine would and have to stop and re-do our pony-tails. cord took excellent care of his hair by the way - he was a pantene man. and one night after we were done doing whatever, mr. big’s “i’m the one who want’s to be with you” came on the radio and we had a hand puppet karoke on the walls and ceiling of his room. he had this super-cool clock radio with a night light on it. so our hand shadow’s sang the song to one another and it filled my heart with a special kind of joy - i knew then and there that i would remember that moment for as long as i lived.

and while he never took me out on a date, never met my parents, or came over to my place - i considered him my boyfriend. he’d only call me on thursday’s to see if i was coming over on friday and we’d make-out/have sex - then i’d go home, do my stuff and come back for saturday night; when he and his roomie’s would have a party. and deep down i really loved him.

and last night i blended him with chris robinson of the black crowes and he left his wife/girlfriend for me - he told me he never stopped loving me and that some of the crowes songs were written for me. specifically “nonfiction” -

i don’t know my telephone number,
but you kiss good and i’d like to see you tomorrow….

and i woke up convinced that cord and CR dream about me the same way that i dream about them. that my tat was the right thing to do, that the crowes music speaks to me on a level i can’t put into words, that kate hudson is a dumb bitch for spliting with CR, that my love and friendship can heal him, that cord is out there somewhere and he’s still cool.

and for the life of me, i cannot remember corey’s last name. it’s bugging the shit out of me and i think i will spend the afternoon going through old journals looking for it.

if I could be in any band ever…..
i’d be one of those big black sister’s singing back up for the black crowes. can you sting me? HELL YEAH BABY!

in high school i was….
voted most likely to become a pro-wrestler..assholes.

choose one…
fantasy island or love boat? - fantasy island - and i’d wish to be on the love boat.
rosie o’donnell or star jones - totally rosie - i loved her talk show and i had a soft spot for large, big mouthed women (being that i am one).

who would star in the movie of my life…
lili taylor - i think she has enough spunk and depth - she’d need to work on her comic timing though.

if you’re a fan of this, don’t even talk to me…
Applebee’s. their food sucks, the service is terrible, the menu has only four things on it. it’s like where white trash people go when they want to dress up and go out some place fancy.

who was your first famous friend?
probably jesse the body ventura - he and my dad were both big into politics in brooklyn center. i met him a few times and it was very intemidating. no wonder they voted me most likely to be a pro-wrestler….assholes.

you’re stranded on a desert island and must resort to cannibalism. who do you eat first? jason priestley, jennie garth, luke perry, or shannen doherty?
i’d say doherty - she’d be tough, but you could probably smoke her and turn her into jerky fairly easily.

when’s the last time someone yelled at you?
hmmm….good question, i’m not the type of girl that gets yelled at. probably my daughter, telling me to let go of something or because i was making her brush her teeth.

what’s your biggest extravagance?
probably the two krispy kreme’s i get twice a week with a large dr. pepper.

pick a Charlie’s Angel:
farrah fawcet, kate jackson, jaclyn smith, cheryl ladd…
i’d be bosley.

it does cheer you/me up!

last night as hubbin and i were on marcie’s couch talking about our problems, my dad and his new lady-friend watched boo. and i am pleased to report that she is sweet as a biscut and i like her a whole lot. she’s ‘good people’ as i like to say. he own husband died a little over a year ago, and she’s very active. something my Dad is going to need. things aren’t too serious though. she has a dog, and my Dad has a strict rule about no dogs in the house - so her dog was in the car all night.

my Dad does have an exception to the rule for my dog of course, but that’s because he’s a dog-dog and not a fluffy rat-dog.

Dad and i have had some great talks over the last week and while i don’t think he is at all ready for a relationship, i totally believe that he enjoys her company. she made chicken cesar salad last night for dinner and got him to try avacado - she’s ok in my book.

shine on Dad - i think Mom would approve the fact that you aren’t sitting in the house crying all the time.

at some point i will probably offend you. i will say something that i think pushes the envelope and it will come out all wrong and i will lose someone in my life for awhile - since in my world there is no such thing as “quick forgivness”. everyone feels they need to teach me a lesson in how i treat people - so they stay away for a very long time.

this happened to my old bff “dave” and it’s happened between me and psycho jen a hundred times - they call it the madonna complex. and today on jcsg’s site i made some snarky comments about giving up sleep and dawson’s creek in order to have a baby.

one of her dear friends nailed me for it - and i can aprreciate having your grrls’ back. but this galpal has no idea what i’ve gone through to have my sweet little boo - and while jcsg does - i’ve realized that maybe my comments could have been taken the wrong way, and it kills me to think that i’ve hurt someone so dear to me.

but it’s true, it’s only matter of time before i say something that you’ll take as rude or insensitive. and i don’t mind getting nailed for it. i think self-checks are good, but i tend to take it too far and will probably stop talking and commenting for a month.

not here of course, here is where i let it all out.

JCSG’s birthday present arrived in the mail yesterday and i am peeing in my pants wanting to give it to her early. but june is a million miles away. it’s strange to think as i look out my window and wonder who turned the color off on the first day of spring, that in a few short weeks, by june, things will be lush and fragrent.

by then i will have been to arizona again, celebrated my second mother’s day as a mother, and hopefully working towards another baby.

honestly, since i’ve gotten the tattoo, things have looked up. it was the perfect way to cap off a very difficult time for me.