mydarlingcurse.com

Join Jodi and Jodie as we wax nostalgic on reading V.C. Andrews, how we got to this point, losing our virginity, and more!

For whatever reason, there are times when my mind wonders and I come up with answers to questions I imagine Boo or The Buns will ask me someday. Today I was thinking of “do you believe in love at first sight”. Here is what I came up with:

I do believe in love at first sight, but feel that this has more to do with hormones, pheromones, and electricity. I remember feeling physically altered upon seeing the Ex-English. What is amazing about this is that I was only 13 at the time and that’s a little young for love at first sight. But it profoundly effected me for the rest of my life. Do I love him? Doubtful, but I do feel something for him. Can I help feeling something for him? No, that’s beyond my control. I feel that I am simply caught up in an orbit and that is my course and I accept it. Regardless of how the Earth feels about the Moon, the Moon does what it does - waxes and wanes and that is very much my relationship with the Ex-English.

Also, seeing the Chicago Cowboy for the first time, I thought that was love at first sight. We sought each other out, loved madly and passionately and I had a really, really, really had time getting over him. Like ten years of a hard time. Do I love him? I did. Past tense. And he loved me and we went our separate ways. Good riddance too. Thank god we didn’t get to a point of irreversible damage and hate, hard as we tried.

I couldn’t really tell you how I felt the first time I saw my Hubbin. I want to say it was at a club with our friends, but I can’t be sure. However, the first time I kissed him…I had such an overwhelming sense of permanence and safety that it was hard to put into words. All I remember thing after kissing him was “This man will be in my life for a long long time.” I was right about that and at the time I knew it. It was such a relief too. Like all the bullshit was behind me and now I could just be happy and breathe.

For days I have been feeling guilty about not posting anything. I mean, for all the work it was getting this blahg back up, you’d think I’d be over the moon and I’m not. I’m sorry.

I would hate for this to turn into a “Mom” blahg. Not that I don’t like “Mom” blogs, it’s just that…that’s not what I want to do. And it’s got to be more than just the random daily bullshit right? I mean how many of those are out there? Who fucking cares?

I’m just kinda done with the whole computer thing. I think us humans are way too plugged in anyway. For example, right now I’m not the couch on my laptop and hubbin is in the office on the desktop. We aren’t interacting at all. We are home, the kids are asleep, it’s a lovely evening and we are staring at a computer screen. I spend part of the day online, just yaking it up with friends, but there are some people that I only talk to online. We don’t talk in person. That’s just pathetic.

I have tried very hard to stop watching movies at night. I should read more. I should walk the dog.

Twitter can suck it. I like the concept, but now it just makes me sick. Whose the funniest and most followed and who gives a shit. Although, I love that I’m following Matthew Perry and Thomas Lennon! But that little mental menage isn’t enough. Conan has the right idea with snarkin’ up Twitter. It’s inane and dumb and like I said, who cares?! I get that Twitter is essential to the Iranian revolution, but to me personally, fuck it.

Everyone that I have talked to on the phone today has called me twice. So, seriously seriously, I’ve been on the phone with people, just bullshit stuff really, but then when I hang up, 20 minutes later, they call back.

It’s taken up my entire day so far, so far.

I forgot how much work the last week of school is. Boo is tired and cranky and having much too much fun to ever want to leave or sleep or even eat. We’re all overly tired. I feel like I have so much to do; take care of kids, clean - clean clean clean ALWAYS clean, get ready for the garage sale, sort and organize, blah blah blah. And I think that I have no energy to do these things, but somewhere I do. My lying down and staring didn’t go so well. I can’t turn off my brain. While I went to lay down to bed last night before 9PM I didn’t fall asleep until after 11. Seriously, I laid there in the dark with my eyes closed forcing thoughts from my brain and couldn’t relax. That’s bullshit.

In other news, the Alaskan Poet is leaving. Back to Alaska. I am incredibly saddened at this news. The Poet is the only friend that I talk to face to face. We try to get together once a week, or once every two weeks for breakfast. We go to the same place and know all the staff and I am going to miss that so much. Maybe we aren’t close friends, but we are good friends and I fear that I’ll fall deeper into reclusiveness without him. I just put my finger on what it is. He makes an effort. That’s rare in this world. He remembers things I told him a week or two ago and he asks me about it. He doesn’t shy away from the kids. I really appreciate that. But maybe I should be telling him all this, eh?

There is more going on too, but it’s private and I’m not going to talk about it here, yet, if ever.

It’s weird, when the site was down all I wanted to do was get it back up and now that it’s up I don’t really care. Blogging and twitter and Facebook, it doesn’t seem that important or meaningful. It’s not fulfilling, but what is? I mean, writing and reading and kids and volunteering, being a wife, being a mother, if all those things together are fulfilling, what possible chance do I have of surviving?

Where’s that depression quiz…?

That’s my lazy girl name. I have no energy for anything. I think it has something to do with the combination of birth control pills + antibiotics + anemia. I just want to curl up and stare. Reading is too much work and watching a movie is too boring. I actually turned off Tropic Thunder last night.

I’m just running on fumes and probably need an iron pill or a transfusion. I need to sleep for a week.

Slootie is on lucky ass bitch! For the crime of Facilitation of Mortgage Fraud through Identity Theft, Slootie was sentenced to 90 days in a half-way house on work release, 300 hours of community service, and $17K restitution to the bank. One. Lucky. Bitch.

The judge was obviously swayed by the fact that she was a single parent to children who lost their father. He said that he believed that the kids needed her, and “needed her bad”. The regular federal guidelines say a sentence of 18 months minimum. Her own sentencing report said 24-30 months. And all she got was 90 days in a half-way house.

I am really happy for the kids, really happy. But such a deviation from the sentencing guidelines seems troubling.

So, it’s going to be an interesting summer. I’m sure we’ll get the kids for a week or two, which is great! But still, I feel bad that there will be a revolving door at their house this summer and no consistent care. Slootie has friends and neighbours lined up for a week at a time. Seems like there can be a better way of doing that. But what do I know?

So, yeah bitches. I’m 38 on Thursday, big deal. Here is a b-day wish list in case you want to spice it up and not get a Barnes and Noble gift card:

Cool Black Crowes Mug #1
Cool Black Crowes Mug #2
Cool Black Crowes Key Chain to replace the one I lost that one time at that place we were at and all drunk and stuff.
Not Quite As Cool Black Crowes Key Chain
Madeleine Pan
Mini Madeleine Pan - and yes I’ll make Madeleines for you if you come over.
Barnes and Noble gift card - yeah I know, I was just teasing.

As a Gemini, I have two sides to me, always. This whole Felony business is now really starting to eat at my craw. Slootie gets sentenced this week. On Thursday, to be specific. On Thursday, 4 June….my birthday. Since it’s still not all out in the open yet, I feel that it’s not my place to talk about all of it here, yet. Let me just get a few things off my chest.

First off, Slootie deserves what she gets. I am not fiercely protecting the image of my dead brother here, so don’t get me wrong. But anyone who knowing breaks the law, and who knows better, should be punished. Do I want her to go to jail? Hell no. Of course not. Do I agree with the principal of her going to jail and serving punishment for a crime, absolutely. However, sending her to jail has a warped sense of justice about it. Sure, she’s being punished, but what of the two innocents she has to leave behind? KK and Bubba - my niece and nephew - have already had a shitty enough hand dealt to them in their short lives. And I don’t see how the system punishing her (even rightly so) does not in some way ultimately punish them. I have a huge problem with that.

I also have a huge problem knowing what I know about the case. I find her motivation abhorrent, even though it has been stated that she did what she did with the best of intentions. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. No one signs another persons name over and over for the purpose of greed with good intentions. Fuck that! And the fact that she is still seeing this “good intention” after taking the fall for him, I find it very difficult to respect women who have no respect for themselves.

On the other hand, I feel the need to be there for her, to be there for the kids. She calls and I don’t hang up. She asked me to write a letter to the judge on her behalf and I did. It was a hard letter to write since I couldn’t in good faith actually plead for leniency. I only stated that my main concern was for the kids and that after seeing their father go through such a long and horrible illness, after losing him too soon, their Mother has been there to help them cope and they still need her. Which is true.

I am embarrassed as hell that my family has boiled down to this. But in a way it hasn’t. I have my own immediate family, and I think they are just swell. It’s this “family of origin” that I feel I’ll have to explain……she’s not a bad person, she’s just an incarcerated felon.

I am getting seasick from the fluctuation of feelings I have about all of this. How is justice served by putting her in jail and orphaning those kids? But how can I ever look her in the eye again if she gets off with a slap on the wrist?

I guess we’ll find out Thursday.

The Dream Make-out list - aka the DML. These are people who show up in my dreams and we make-out, NOT people I dream about making-out with. There is a huge difference. The DML is beyond my control, it’s my mind working things out for whatever reason. The great thing about the DML is that it’s always different. The people who I’d just like to make out with, that doesn’t change all that much - Adrien Brody with a bullet.

So far for 2009 the DML is:
Adrien Brody
The Ex English

And welcome Mopey Joe. I can’t remember many details but we were waiting for a table at a restaurant and you were wearing a shirt and jacket. It was brief, but nice. But yeah….WTF??!?